Hopelessly Romantic

Part 22

Mikasa's dorm hasn't really changed from when you first saw it. It's always clean; a basket of dirty laundry that's changed every so often, a freshly made bed in the morning, and her workspace is always organized to her liking. You still have a grievance of the size, wondering why she has a place to do her laundry but can't have a bigger bed nor room. However, you are grateful that she's alone in her dorm, without anyone to bother her. Only you and the occasional friend of hers. Right now though, it's just you and her. Smiling as she opens the door, you attack her in a hug, whispering how much you missed, how much you have to tell her, exciting news that she- "Mikasa~" Her name on your lips is mostly new for both of you, but it's oddly natural, a need that's come from both of you. "Let me kiss my pretty girl's face." You giggle lightly, letting her leave sloppy kisses against your squished face. "But I have something to tell youuuu," you drag out in hopes of making her putty in your hands. You've achieved it before, her smile wide as she stares into your eyes. "Okay, but get your butt inside first, it's cold in the halls." You nod in agreement before kicking off your shoes and sitting on her bed.

You look at her, watching as she locks the door and shuffles over to you. "So, you have exciting news for me?" You hum with an enthusiastic nod. If it were Annie, you note you should stop comparing them, she'd be uninterested until you had to promise her that you'd pay for dinner later. That's all you had to do to get her to say yes, but with Mikasa, it's uncharted territory. You think she'd react calm, calmer than you're used to, maybe ask a question or two before agreeing to go on a double date. You've been dating for more than two months, it's about time your girlfriend gives you permission to shout your dating status from the rooftops. "Okay, I was talking with Hitch and Annie, like right before you texted." She hums, leaning back on her hands with her legs stretched in front of her. You're both slightly turned towards one another as you animatedly talk with your hands. "And they were talking about going on a date at a fast-food restaurant." She doesn't react to your words verbally, maybe her tongue sliding against her top teeth was an indicator of her emotions, but you didn't know what they meant. Mikasa's going to give you the reaction you've seen her give her friends. She's calm and collected and understanding, right? "And they invited us to go along!"

Your smile must put the sun's rays to shame because Mikasa's face scrunches as she inhales too much air for one person. You've known that inhale, that I'm not pleased inhale, that disappointed inhale. You swallow loudly, smiling more as you try to quickly get out your response before reality crashes down on you. "It's supposed to be very relaxing- Well, as relaxing as socializing can get. There won't be a lot of people since it's Sunday, and we'll leave around dinner time. Hitch will drive you while Annie and I take the bus-" "Y/n, why would you do this?" Mikasa isn't what you expected. Dating Mikasa isn't what you expected it to be. Were you too late? Was your fantasy left in the sun for too long? Or was she always like this and you were used to looking in the wrong direction? "Huh...? I- I thought you were free tomorrow, and this would be our first outing as a-" "Couple?" Your eyes suddenly hyper focus on her face of disgust at the mention of your relationship status. "What... What's so bad about-"

"Y/n, you know I wanted to wait until break. Why would you rush it? Why couldn't you just trust me for once?" Your mouth is left open, most likely catching a fly as you try to form a response, and when you do, it's nothing like you intend. Even with Annie, your anger is always there, always accounted for in the room. Every emotion is. But here with Mikasa in a room too small, even though it's the same size as yours, there's suddenly not enough room for your emotions let alone how angry you need to be. "Bu... What? It's just a day or two in advance-" "Y/n, I had my own plans for you, and I knew they'd be things we would enjoy doing together. I mean, what were you thinking, that I'd be all open arms about this?" "Yeah, it's- Mikasa it's our first date outside of your dorm, and I know it's inconvenient, but we'll be doing it together-" "Y/n people will be there, and it's not what I planned-" "Mikasa, do you not want to be seen with me?" Her name is something you've found a home in, a safety net, a lullaby that puts you to sleep. In this moment, it's the only thing left of your Mikasa that you have. Yes, you're being dramatic, but this is the only true, two-sided argument you've had since it became clear that you both- Your feelings are mutual, not unrequited.

This shouldn't be the first fight you have with her as a couple, is what you're trying to say. Mikasa should fight with you about schedule mess-ups, or how she wants to meet Annie, truly meet her because she's your family. This fight about her not wanting to be out with you, in public shouting from the rooftops of your relationship, that's something you aren't prepared for. "No, Y/n, I just... I don't think everyone's going to like that I'm dating... someone like you." Her words don't match her tone. She whispers it, almost like she's disappointed with her choice of words, like she didn't mean to say it. But her words are still there, they were said, so you should react. You should scream that you're not okay being seen with her either. You curse her out and tell her this was a mistake. You should walk out of this room and go to Annie, cry on her shoulder and let her reassure you because you'd rather be a burden to someone else than yourself. Yet you can't. Her words hit you and somehow your anger is turned into a muted flame, a flame trapped inside its container so it can suffocate itself.

You're mad at yourself because why didn't you think of that? You're not from much, you're damaged and can't contact your blood family, and you're already burnt out from not even a semester of school. You don't add anything to her, you take away. You've always done that. "I didn't realize. I'm... I'm sorry." you say, whisper the plea for her to stay without saying it. You are sorry, sorry that you're still here, attached to her like a leech, and sorry that you've ever met her. She doesn't deserve that; she doesn't deserve the bad things you bring with you- Annie doesn't either. "It's-" She's breathless when she speaks, almost shocked from your words, how you look down rather than at her. You aren't crying, but you are tearful, something you don't want her to see. For the first time since your relationship with Mikasa began, you don't want her to see your emotions; you don't want her to see you at all in this moment. That should be a warning sign for you, but you're too drained from her words, from your mind leeching onto them that you can't see the flashing lights. Especially not when she says, "It's okay, Y/n... We'll still go on the date, hm?" There's a smile to her words, her hand rubbing your knee as she continues, "I just don't want to call it a double date. We'll pretend to be friends with the couple. That'll be enough, right?"

You just barely stop yourself from shouting anything you give me is enough . When you look up, eyes wide, slightly glossy with a desperate face, you think she already knows your inner thoughts before you whisper out, "Yeah... Thank you, Mikasa." When you go home later that day, spending the rest of your time with Mikasa cuddled on the bed, watching shows with barely anything besides breaths spared, you let the conversation with Mikasa carry over, and you don't tell Annie what's going on. Instead, you take a shower, put on every skincare product you have, and go to bed, barely shutting your eyes in fear of entering Mikasa's dorm again.

Mikasa's dorm has changed since the first time you saw it.