𝘋𝘈𝘕𝘊𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘞𝘐𝘛𝘏 𝘖𝘜𝘙 𝘏𝘈𝘕𝘋𝘚 𝘛𝘐𝘌𝘋/𝘵𝘰𝘮 𝘳𝘪𝘥𝘥𝘭𝘦 (English version)

Chapter 29

From Tom Riddle's Diary

I shouldn't have done it.

It's the first thing that comes to mind right now, it weighs on me just to write it. I've repeated it so many times in front of the mirror in the last few hours that it's lost all meaning. I tried to avoid it, to stay away from her, but yesterday... yesterday I couldn't.

I kissed her.

After years of repressing my feelings, my desires, my uncontrollable thoughts about Sarah, yesterday I gave in. The wall I had built crumbled in an instant. How could I have been so weak? Why did I let it happen? I curse myself... and yet it was the first time I truly felt my heart beating.

Loving her is like a slow poison seeping inside me, and yet I can't stop it. She is the most precious thing I have right now.
Every time she smiles, I hear the echo of a life I could have had, a life where I don't carry this mark on my skin, this curse etched into my flesh. That smile is also a constant reminder of the danger I represent. I can't hide it anymore.

I shouldn't have done it.

Because I know what it means, I know how much it means to both of us. I can't give her what she deserves, not now. What I would offer her is only pain, confusion. I watched her fall into darkness after her father's death, and I... I can't inflict another wound on her, she wouldn't be able to bear any more pain. I can't be another demon in her life.

And yet yesterday, when I looked at her, when her eyes searched for mine, so desperate for love... it felt like everything I had tried to suppress was about to be set free. Her lips, those same lips I had only dared to imagine until that moment, were finally so close. I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't pull away. I didn't want to.

Last night was a fire, but not of flames, of sensations. Every moment with her fed a fire I had tried to extinguish for years. She is my ruin and my redemption. I don't know how to keep living in this limbo.

I wanted her so much, damn it. For years. But now, for the first time, I'll tell the truth. I'm afraid. I can't allow myself to give in. I'm not like the others.
I'm afraid of destroying her, of tainting the light she's been trying to recover for months with the darkness inside me.

How can I tell her that these hands, that long so much to touch her, are the same hands that will serve the man who destroyed my soul?

My fate, like that of the others, is sealed.

And yet last night, for just a moment, I believed there really was a way out. That maybe, by her side, with her help, I could be another man.
Illusion is cruel.
Every kiss was also a goodbye. Because I know that one day I will have to leave her or she will leave me.
I can't run from the truth, and the truth is that I am a monster.

I want to be the man she deserves, the man who isn't afraid to love. But how can I hope for a normal life when every breath I take is a reminder of my loyalty to the Dark Lord? The Dark Mark pulses like a sick heart on my arm, a call to the darkness that surrounds me.

I'm trapped. The closer I get to her, the more I feel I'm destroying her. One day she will have to choose between her life and me, and I already know what her decision will be. Maybe it's better this way.

But until the truth comes out, I'll keep that small flame alive inside me. And though my soul is condemned, the mere thought that maybe one day she could forgive me is what keeps me alive.