𝘋𝘈𝘕𝘊𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘞𝘐𝘛𝘏 𝘖𝘜𝘙 𝘏𝘈𝘕𝘋𝘚 𝘛𝘐𝘌𝘋/𝘵𝘰𝘮 𝘳𝘪𝘥𝘥𝘭𝘦 (English version)

Chapter 41

Dear Felpato,

Almost a year... 
Black is growing more and more every day, walking around the castle and playing with Crookshanks every day. She seems like a little diva among all the animals here within these walls. She loves freedom, the freedom that was taken from you for no reason. I wish I could give back everything that was unjustly taken from you, without any respect. 
I continue to write in this diary, even though I know that these words will never reach you, I will never have the chance to say them to you in person. 
But I need to talk to you, to vent, to scream what I can no longer keep inside, even if it's only through a diary.

So many things have been happening lately, and there's only one thing that haunts me even in my sleep: 
I'm scared. 
I'm scared because I feel that something around us is changing, something dark is approaching the school.
First Katie Bell, then Ron.
They are no longer coincidences, he's somehow here, and he's sending a strong and clear signal to all of us: he's coming back. 
In fact, he's already back, and so are his Death Eaters. 
One of them has been invading my mind for about a year now, since she killed you in front of me. 
Bellatrix scares me more than anything else in the world, even more than Voldemort. 
Her laughter is constantly in my head, her screams, her dark eyes staring at me as if I were prey to be devoured. 
She was there that Christmas night, she found us and wasted no time bringing new anxieties and fears back into me. 
I know she wants to kill me, I know she dreams of doing it herself! 
But I promise you one thing: I will claim your name one day, I will kill her for you, Dad.

Then there's Draco.
Damn, I don't even know where to start. 
Do you remember when I told you that for me, he wasn't like Lucius, that the stupid comparison you always made didn't make sense because he was different? 
Forget it, Draco Malfoy is no longer the stupid, confident boy we both knew. 
I saw him cry a few days ago, I saw him break down, falling to the ground in his own tears and despair over something that I still don't understand. Evasive, more arrogant than usual, and solitary: what's going on? 
Pansy and I are scared, we want to help him, but he doesn't let anyone get close anymore.
Harry thinks the worst... what if it's true? What if he really is one of them?* 
If I was uncertain about this before... now something is pushing me to accept this possibility. 
He's been in the infirmary for days, doesn't want to see anyone, and we've all accepted his choice. But I see everyone's eyes, distracted and evasive. Sometimes I don't feel like I know them fully anymore, as if they're hiding something too big, even for them.

Among them... Tom. 
My light, my darkness. 
When he looks at me, sometimes I feel like I'm the only girl in this world, like I'm the only person he truly cares about, like he would do anything just to see me happy. 
But then... there are moments when I can't pretend not to notice.
Those moments when Tom isn't here, when Tom is in his head, thinking about who knows what.
Our relationship is more complicated than I ever could have imagined. 
I feel a really strong connection between us, I feel like with him I can let go of every part of myself, but at the same time, I feel that maybe it's not the same for him. 
He becomes darker and colder with time, I see him lost in his thoughts constantly. 
I wish I were more than just a girlfriend to him, his right hand, his confidante, but there's something that holds him back. Something that stops him from being touched, from being a normal boy his age. I see his eyes, I see how every time they try to apologize for something I don't know. 
It's like there's a part of him that I can't reach, he keeps me close but at the same time, distant. 
I just want to know what's tormenting him, I want to understand why sometimes it seems like he's about to tell me something important but then he closes himself off. 
What if he's really hiding something from me? 
What if he's doing it to protect me? 
Maybe I'm the problem, maybe I create too many scenarios in my head and don't focus on the present.

I... what have I become?
I feel... empty. 
I'm obviously no longer the thirteen-year-old who walks through the school corridors peacefully, Dad. 
Every day I fight a constant battle against myself, against doubts, uncertainties, questions, and anxieties that I myself shape. 
I tell myself to be strong, but sometimes it feels like everything I'm going through is really too much. 
I've lost you, I've lost the chance to grow up with my family, and now I'm losing myself. What do I really have left? 
Tom? My friends? And what if all of this were to vanish from one day to the next? 
What if even these people decided to step back? 
What would be left?

I would be left. That's the problem. 
How can I live peacefully when I am not at peace with myself? 
If you were here, I know you would have a kind word to say to me. 
I would love to hear your voice, even for just a few seconds, I just wish you would tell me that everything will be okay. 
Maybe I would know what to do, maybe I would know how to face all of this. 
It doesn't matter how many people are around me, how many words are spoken, or how many smiles I try to show. 
I am alone, and somehow, I have to find a way to be enough for myself.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS ❤️❤️🎄