Knowing His Wife

𝟒𝟑. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐟?

YUVAANI

As his words rang in my ears, I genuinely had no words to answer him, or to reply in any sense. I just broke the hug and stepped in our room lying straight on my side of the bed, looking at the ceiling dumbfoundedly.

Not a minute later, I saw him coming inside and closing the balcony door, and wrapped in our duvet. He stood near the bed and removed the duvet, and spread it on the bed, covering me partially, just how I usually do. He then made his way on his side of the bed, covering him too. I could feel the bed dipping near me, I assumed he came closer to me and turned to my side, while my eyes were still locked on the ceiling.

My eyes then drafted to the wall which stood in front of me, that had photo frames. In the dark too, I could see some of them due to the moonlight.

She was beautiful.

"Are you okay?" I could hear his whisper and I turned my face slightly to face him.

"Can I ask you a question? A bit personal" I asked in return, knowing I was digging up my own grave. But after his confession, I need to know it.

"Hmm" he encouraged me.

"Hypothetically, what if she comes back to you? Will you still.. choose me?" I asked with a great uncertainty stirring within me. I took the risk of uttering those words to know what he would do.

As if I don't know! I knew he would choose her, because he loved her dearly. And he began to love me, as.. I think- because we stayed together, we got feelings for each other? But he loved her, himself. Like, all by himself, not because there were any situations like us where we were trapped, and had no other options. It was his choice to love her back then, and he owned it, gracefully. He chose her, amongst everyone. And I know, we won't ever choose me. Even if he does, it'll always be because I'm his wife, not because the person he himself chose to love.

"Par kya woh wapas aayegi?" I felt his voice get heavy. I regretted my decision of asking this to him. I mentally cursed myself for doing this to him. Hearing his voice itself felt like I am the wrong one here. At this point, I was guilty, I want to apologize, and I will. But, first I took a turn to face him completely.

[ but will she come back ]

"Matlab?" I asked.

"Matlab, ye jaante hue ki mai ab kisi aur ka pati hu, kya wo mere paas aayegi? May it be for whatever reason, she won't come to me. I know her."

[ Means, knowing it I'm someone else's husband, will she come back to me?]

"Par aap dono ek dusre se-"

[ you two-]

"Pyaar karte the?" I heard him, and he looked at me, I nodded.

[loved each other?]

Even in the dark his eyes spoke volumes. His eyes were deep, and carried intensity in them. I urged to touch his face, and I did.

Some day or the other, we had to talk about this. I always wanted him to share his feelings with me. Earlier, we were not that comfortable, but now we are. I know, we can never fill the emptiness of losing someone we loved so dearly, but we can't let their absence define our existence.

"We loved each other enough, to let one another go for their happiness" I heard him.

After a blink, I can see his expressions remain static, but a teardrop escaped his eye running from his lacrimal caruncle across his nose and then vanishing on his pillow.