Love Rivals: The Day I Saw Your Tears

139. "What Ifs" and "If Onlys"

One year had passed, and the silence between us was deafening. Not a single phone call, not even a passing glimpse. It felt as if I had been cut off from a vital part of myself. I never imagined how hard it would be to let go of him, to live without his presence in my life. I was so addicted to him that the emptiness felt unbearable.

I would distract myself by throwing everything I had into my studies, but even there, I found myself stuck. Barely scoring near the cutoff marks, but it never crossed above it. It felt like no matter how much effort I put in, I couldn't measure up. I was falling behind, while he, on the other hand, seemed to be soaring.

Vicky, still my only link to Ryan, kept me updated on his life, whether I wanted to hear it or not. Ryan had won numerous trophies in esports. He had taken a break from his medical career, something I never thought his father would allow. But Ryan had managed to convince him, with the backing of his mother. Now, he was pursuing what he loved without restraint. He was leaving the state for bigger and better opportunities, and I was left behind in my stagnation.

At night, lying in bed, I would think about the deal we had made. He had won the bet -- he had conquered his fears, embraced his passion. Krystal had told me she sent him the divorce papers, but I hadn’t heard a word from him. Had he signed them? Was it really over? The uncertainty was unbearable.

During the day, I found myself compulsively checking his Instagram. It had become an obsession. Recently, I saw photos of him at a beach with Nitya. They looked so happy together, carefree even. Seeing them like that made my heart ache with a mix of jealousy and fear. Had he already moved on?

My mind replayed scenes from the past, moments I couldn’t erase. I had chosen to step back, to put distance between us, believing it was the right thing to do. But now, I wasn’t so sure. Was it a mistake to let go? Did I let fear make my decisions for me?

I tried my best to fit in with my family during those days, but discomfort lingered beneath the surface. Sonal and Shriya often came over, and while I maintained a steady demeanor, I couldn’t escape the feeling of inadequacy that washed over me every time they arrived.

Conversations revolved around Shriya’s accomplishments—her recent promotion and her ability to juggle her personal and professional life. My parents' subtle comparisons stung, making me feel small and unworthy.

Retreating to my room became my escape. I longed to be happy for Shriya but felt a mix of envy and disappointment. Why did success come so easily for everyone else while I struggled?

I often found solace on the terrace, staring at the horizon, or cocooned in my room, where the world outside faded away as I buried myself in my studies. I distanced myself from Shruti and Krystal, too, focusing solely on my books and notes.

During this time —Sonal welcomed her baby girl into the world. The tiny bundle was a beacon of joy, and when I held her, I felt a warmth that lifted my spirits, as if I were dancing on clouds. It was a rare moment; this baby was the first and only child who didn’t cry in my lap.
Usually, children would wail the moment I held them. But this little soul simply gazed up at me with wide, innocent eyes, and for a brief moment, everything felt right. I cherished those peaceful moments, longing for the simplicity and unfiltered joy that only a child could bring. In that small space of time, I found a glimmer of happiness amidst my inner turmoil.

But what about the nights? As darkness enveloped the world outside, I found myself unable to escape the memories of him. It had already been a year, yet every moment we had shared replayed in my mind like a cherished film—his scent lingering in the air, the way he laughed, the little gestures that had made me feel so special.

Each night, I would crumble into my bed, the weight of longing pressing down on me like a heavy blanket. I missed the way his eyes lit up when we played together, the soft teasing that always made me smile, and the comfort of his presence that had felt so natural.
That fateful night when we had lost ourselves in each other, the spark that had ignited between us, leaving me breathless. Those memories danced in my mind, bringing both butterflies and despair.

I would often lie awake, staring at the ceiling, haunted by the “what ifs” and “if onlys.”
The nights felt endless.