The past hits

See you again

TW SH
2 Years later
Dr. Webber gave a speech this morning while I was already in surgery. After that, there was a meeting with all the chiefs. I'm now the Chief of General Surgery, but I spent seven hours in the operating room, so I didn't get a chance to meet the new Chief of Neurosurgery.

Afterward, I walked up to daycare to check on my daughter, Ellie. She had just turned one two months ago, and I loved her more than anything in the world. I played with her for a while when my pager went off.

"I'll be back soon, Ellie," I whispered, kissing her on the head before hurrying out of the daycare. I was heading toward the elevator when I bumped into someone.

"Sorry," I said as I stepped into the elevator.

"You good?" a voice asked. When I heard it, I flinched. I never expected to see him again, let alone this soon.

"Umm, yeah," I replied, my voice shaky. I nervously began picking at the skin around my fingers—something I'd started doing after he left, whenever I felt anxious. He smiled at me, and I quickly turned away as the elevator doors closed. I sighed in relief, but I couldn't shake the questions running through my mind. What was he doing here? Why did he smile at me after everything?

I arrived at the ER, only to notice that my finger had started bleeding from the nervous habit I couldn't control.

Later, I had to scrub in for surgery—and of course, I needed the neurosurgeon. Now I was going to be in a room with Derek for the next five hours.

I entered the scrub room, and Derek was already scrubbing in.

"Mer... can we talk?" he asked, his voice quiet.

"I'm Dr. Grey, and no, unless it's about surgery," I responded coldly.

"Please," he begged.

I hesitated, but then saw the familiar desperation in his eyes.

Derek's POV:
I need to apologize to her. I still love her, and we're having a child together. I know it's complicated, but I need to be in her life. And I want to be in Ellie's life too. I have the right. But I understand if she doesn't want that. I thought about all the old scars on Meredith's arms as she washed her hands—scars I never noticed before. My heart sank. The thought that she might be hurting herself because of me was unbearable. New wounds had formed, but I could also see so many old ones, a reminder of what she'd been through.

Meredith's POV:
I saw him looking at my arms, and I felt uncomfortable. I quickly grabbed a towel to dry my hands and walked away, hoping he wouldn't say anything. But before I could leave, he grabbed my wrist, pulling me back.

"Mer... what is that?" His voice was filled with concern and guilt.

"I... I just..." I couldn't say it. I couldn't tell him that everything—my pain, my scars—was because of him.

"I know I hurt you, and I'm so sorry," he said, his voice cracking. "Please, talk to me."

"I... I can't, and I won't," I said, pulling away. "Just leave it alone. I'll be fine." I walked out of the scrub room, desperate to get away from him.

-

Five and a half hours later, surgery was finally over. After scrubbing out, I ran to my office, closed the door behind me, and reached for the ten-blade in my bag. I felt that familiar compulsion, the one that told me I deserved the pain. That I was a bad mother, a bad friend, a bad daughter, a bad surgeon... a bad girlfriend. I had a daughter, yet I still couldn't stop hurting myself.

Tears streamed down my face as I cut at my wrists a few times before moving to my thigh. I couldn't hurt my wrists too much—I'd promised Christina and Alex I wouldn't—but I still needed to feel that release. The pain took it all away, even if just for a moment.

Then, I heard a knock at the door. I quickly hid the blade and wiped my tears away before walking over to open it.

"Meredith... can we please talk?" Derek's voice was soft, but I froze.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to talk about my scars, and I definitely didn't want to talk about Ellie.

"Go away," I said, turning away from the door, but he grabbed my wrist. The pain from his grip made me wince.

"Meredith," he said, his voice filled with concern. "I know I hurt you, but you're clearly not okay. The... cuts... did you do that again?"

"Yeah," I whispered, my voice cracking. "But why do you care? You left me, so just go."

He sighed, and after a long pause, he left my office. I closed the door behind him, and for the first time in a while, I allowed myself to cry.