The past hits

Past hits

„Mer, I am so sorry... I didn't know. I would've never wanted something like that for you. I didn't mean to hurt you... it's all my fault."

"Yeah, but don't pity yourself..." I said, my voice shaky.

"Mer..."

"No, stop. I get to talk, and you need to listen. Nobody noticed I was cutting until I had to have an emergency c-section. When they tried to put the IV in my arm, Bailey saw the scars. Hours later, she asked me about it, and I didn't know what to say because I was so ashamed... you know?" I let out a soft, bitter laugh.

"A month later, I couldn't take the pain anymore. The pain I probably put my daughter through, the guilt... and I was still cutting myself. I was so ashamed. I didn't see a way out, so... I tried to end it. Again. This time with a ten-blade. Alex found me afterward. If he hadn't come when he did, I wouldn't be here right now. I didn't cut at my wrists, Derek. I was done."

"Oh God, Mer... I didn't know—"

"Just leave it," I choked out, feeling the tightness in my chest and the breathlessness take over. My vision blurred with tears as I started pacing around my office.

"Mer, come here. Look at me," Derek said gently, his voice grounding and steady. I stopped mid-step and turned to him, my hands trembling.

"I'm not okay," I whispered, my voice breaking as the panic rose.

"Yes, you are. You're here. You're still fighting, and I need you to see that. I know it's hard, but you're not alone, not anymore. Let me help you, Mer. Please."

I looked up at him, tears streaming down my face, and felt the weight of everything finally starting to lift, if only just a little. For the first time in a long time, I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't beyond saving.