The past hits

Are you okay?

TW SH ⚠️
Christina's POV:
"Alex I think mer is freaking out"  I said concerned about her
"I mean shep is back, she was damaged before but know she is a mess again since she meet him"
"Yeah I'm scared that it ends up like last time I really don't wanna try to get her back for three hours"
"And I don't want to pull her out of the water or taking her ten-blade away"
"Or tequila" i laughed slightly
"She is a complete mess Alex, he destroyed her once again"
"We need to help her I just don't know how"
"Yeah..I will go talk to her" i said, paging her to an on call room

Meredith's  POV
A page to an on call room? Ugh why now I thought.
I walked in the on call room and see Christina on the bed and immediately standing up as soon as I walk in there
"What is it?"
"Are you okay?"
"I'm always fine don't you know that" I rolled my eyes. I wanted to leave the room but this was the second time someone grabbed me me by my wrists and me wincing in pain.
"Please don't tell me you're still hurting yourself"
I looked away, ashamed of myself, again.
"Meredith this is serious, this is about your health. Your mental health is like shit and you're hurting yourself"
"Christina just leave it alone. It's nothing..i'm okay" I said leaving the room and walking immediately to my office. I locked the door. I sat down on my chair, sobbing and shaking. I started to feel how my breathing got heavier and heavier. I know I had a panic attack. It was not my first but this was definitiv a worse one than the last. I completely broke down. I sit with my back against the door trying to control my breathing. It just got worse when I heard a knock. I hesitated but opened the door. It was Derek.
"G-Go...aw-away please" I got out, my breathing got harder if it can get any worse.
"Mer give me your hands" he said noticing the shaking of them, he grabbed them and squeezed them. I hesitated but then let him calm me down. "Breath, breath mer, take a deep breath" he  whispered.
After a few minutes I had calmed down and my breathing got regular again.
"I'm sorry about that..I was just overreacting" I said wiping my tears away.
"Meredith don't say that, it's okay. Don't be ashamed of that" he said stroking my hairs while hugging me
"Thank you Derek" I said pulling away from the hug
"Anytime Meredith" he smiled squeezing my hands

I walked up to daycare to check on Ellie once again and also because feeling to hug her after what happened drove me crazy.
"Hi Ellie what are you doing" I smiled as soon as I saw my daughter
"Mommy" she said happily
"I'm playing with my dolls and I painted a picture for you" she says
"Aww do you want to show it to me?" I asked giving her a big smile
"Yes..look that is you mommy and that is me" she smiled
"That is so beautiful Ellie" I hugged her while a tear was running down my face. I'm so blessed with her..well the rest of my life is screwed up but at least I have her.
"Are you crying mommy?" she asked confused
"No honey I'm just happy to see you" I smiled
"Me too" she hugged me again. I got up and when I turned around I saw him staring at me and Ellie.
I began to panic, what if Ellie loves him more, what if he adoptes her and she doesn't want to see me anymore, what if she will hate me for growing up without her father. I started picking my skin around my finger. Okay I need to think clear I thought. Ellie still speaks in a baby voice so she wouldn't understand anything probably.
"Mommy you have booboo" she says tearing up a bit
"Ellie it's okay it's nothing okay mommy is okay" i smile slightly. Wow now knows my daughter that I'm hurting myself, of course she doesn't understand that yet but...