The past hits

Are you okay?

TW SH
Christina's POV:

"Alex, I think Meredith is freaking out," I said, my voice full of worry as I watched him.

"I mean, Shep is back. She was already damaged, but now she's a mess again ever since she saw him."

"Yeah, I'm scared this will end up like last time. I really don't want to spend three hours trying to pull her back."

"And I don't want to be the one who pulls her out of the water or takes her ten-blade away."

"Or her tequila," I added with a slight, humorless laugh. But the tension in the room was suffocating.

"She's a complete mess, Alex. He destroyed her again."

"We need to help her. I just don't know how."

"Yeah... I'll go talk to her," I said, grabbing my pager and sending her a message to meet me in an on-call room.

-

Meredith's POV:

A page to an on-call room? Ugh, why now? I thought, my stomach twisting in knots.

I walked into the room and found Christina sitting on the bed. She stood up the moment I entered.

"What is it?"

"Are you okay?" she asked, concern etched on her face.

"I'm always fine. Don't you know that?" I said, rolling my eyes, trying to push off her worry. I moved to leave, but before I could reach the door, Christina grabbed my wrists, making me wince.

"Please don't tell me you're still hurting yourself," she said softly, her voice trembling slightly.

I looked away, shame washing over me.

"Meredith, this is serious. Your mental health is falling apart, and you're hurting yourself."

"Christina, just leave it alone. It's nothing... I'm okay," I said, my voice quivering. I pulled away and walked out, heading straight for my office. I locked the door behind me and sank into the chair, shaking and crying. My breathing picked up, fast and shallow. I knew I was having a panic attack. It wasn't my first, but this one felt worse than ever. I pressed my back against the door, struggling to breathe until there was a knock.

I hesitated but finally opened the door. Derek stood there, worry painted all over his face.

"G-Go... away, please," I managed, my voice breaking as my breathing grew erratic.

"Mer, give me your hands." He stepped forward, took my shaking hands, and squeezed them gently. I hesitated for a moment before letting him calm me as he spoke in a low, soothing voice.

"Breathe, Meredith. Take a deep breath."

After a few minutes, my breathing slowed, my heart rate settled. I wiped my eyes, feeling drained.

"I'm sorry about that... I was just overreacting," I muttered, my voice weak.

"Meredith, don't say that. It's okay. Don't be ashamed," he said, brushing a strand of hair from my face before pulling me into a hug.

"Thank you, Derek," I whispered, pulling away and managing a small smile.

"Anytime, Meredith." He returned my smile, squeezing my hands gently before leaving the room.

-

I walked to daycare to check on Ellie, needing her comfort after what had just happened. Just holding her would make everything feel a little more manageable.

"Hi, Ellie. What are you doing?" I said, my smile brightening as soon as I saw her.

"Mommy!" she said, her voice full of happiness as she wobbled over to me, her chubby little arms outstretched.

"I'm playing with my dolls and I painted a picture for you," she said, showing me the drawing with a proud smile.

"Aww, do you want to show it to me?" I asked, my heart swelling as she nodded enthusiastically, her baby voice high and sweet.

"Look, dat's you, Mommy, and dat's me," she said, pointing at the stick figures she'd drawn, giggling.

"That's so beautiful, Ellie," I said, hugging her tight as a tear rolled down my cheek. I was so blessed to have her... even though the rest of my life felt like it was falling apart, at least I had her.

"Mommy, you cwying," she said, her eyes wide with concern as she reached up to touch my face.

"No, honey, I'm just happy to see you," I said, trying to smile, though my voice shook with emotion.

"Me too," she said, hugging me again, her tiny arms squeezing me so tightly. I stood up, turning to leave, and there he was—Derek, standing in the doorway, watching us.

Panic surged through me. What if Ellie loves him more? What if he wants to adopt her and she doesn't want to see me anymore? What if she grows up resenting me for not giving her a father? I started picking at the skin around my fingers, my mind racing with fears and doubts.

"Mommy, you have booboo," Ellie said, her voice turning worried as she looked at the raw skin on my fingers.

"Ellie, it's okay, it's nothing. Mommy's okay," I said, trying to smile, but my heart ached. She might not understand now, but one day she would—and she'd know I was hurting.