The past hits

Past

TW SH,suicide ⚠️
I walk through the hospital not hearing or noticing anything. I completely zoomed out. I hear a voice, someone is yelling my name but i just walk away, going straight to my office. I sit down on my chair. I put my ten-blade in front of me and start at it. I thought about cutting again. I didn't hear the knocking at the door and also not that someone enters the room.
"Meredith say something please" snapped me finally out of my thoughts.
"What?" i flinched a bit. I look up and see it's Alex
"I-I didn't.." I started
"Mer i know you didn't stop doing it. You're a mess again because of him. I know it's hard for you but you need help Meredith. That's not normal you're damaged. We want to help you but you're cutting yourself off from everyone since he arrived" he interrupted me
I started crying in my hands. I knew that I was a mess but I didn't want help, I can do this on my own. He hugged me and squeezed my hands. After that he took the ten-blade and threw it away.
"I'm fine. I'll be fine. I'll try to get better okay but I don't need anyone's help I can do this Alex" I said pulling away.
"Mer...okay but you can talk to us you know" he sighed
"I know..I know Alex" i said leaving my office because i got a page to the ER.

"Someone paged me?" I asked a nurse. The nurse showed to a closed curtain. I opened the curtain and was shocked for a second. It was Nick, my ex-boyfriend before Derek. He wasn't a good guy.
"Meredith" he says with a huge smile
"Dr. Grey..my name is Dr. Grey" i replied harsh
"Alright Dr. Grey" he rolled his eyes "I still love you...Me- Dr. Grey" he smirked. I was in shock. What he did to me and now this, it can't be..
"I..uh excuse me a moment please, sorry" i say walking away. Why the hell would he say something like that it doesn't make any sence.

Derek's POV:
What is going on, did the patient just say that he still loves her and she didn't react very well. God i wish I could be there for here. After a few minutes she came back. I look into her eyes, her eyes are a puffy red mess. She had definitely been crying. She gaves us a fake smile. I knew that he wasn't a good guy but that she cried over that means that he definitely was worse than she told me over two years ago.
She told us a diagnose and yelled at an intern why he wasn't brought yet to a CT and MRI. After that she walked out of the ER once again. I was really worried about her. I ran after her. I got out of the ER and saw her sitting in the corner next to the door, her hands in her knees. She's crying.
"Mer" i say
"What's going on?" I say stroking her hairs
"I- he..he abused me and hurt me" she cries
"Oh mer..come here" i hugged her tight. I know he was bad but this bad...I could kill him god my poor baby...
"I can page dr.bailey, your chief I don't think we need you in his case okay?" she nods
"I-thank you Derek and sorry that you always get to see me like that, it's just after you left my whole life became a mess and it's not better" she laughs slightly
"I'm sorry Meredith I really am" i say guilt all over my face
"I believe you..just it's not enough Derek it still hurts like hell and after everything I've been through that you don't even know it's just really not enough" she says ashamed
"Mer you don't get to be ashamed about this..I made you like this and I'm so sorry but you can talk to me...I want to know what you've been through after I left okay?We can go in my office or yours of course and talk you know?" I asked her while rubbing her back

Ellen's POV:
I don't know if I should tell him. It will just hurt so much but he deserves to know what he put me through...
"Okayy..meet me in 15 in my office" I say and he nods

He knocks at the door . "Come in" I yell
"So um this is awkward" he begins as we just stand there looking in each others eyes.
"Yeah" I laugh sightly
"So um we can sit on the couch and I will try to tell you.."  he nods
"After you left I-I didn't know what to do I mean I was pregnant and I could still have an abortion but I couldn't kill a baby so..."
"I know..I saw her today, she looks just like you" he smiled
"Mhm umm a few weeks later there was a ferry crash and we needed to go to the scene. The patient had a seizure and somehow I fell into the water an-and I-I really uhh fought but then I thought just for a moment I thought..what's the point...and I let go..I-I stopped fighting.." tears were streaming down my face and he hugged me
"I'm so sorry mer" he whispers into my ears while stroking my hair
„Alex found me and Christina and the others tried over three hours to get me back...anyways after that I  was in therapy but I quit because uhh I didn't want anyone to now how bad I was..you know how I hate talking about my feelings" i smiled sightly
"Yeah...I'm sorry really I didn't think about the baby when I left I just- I don't know what I was thinking"
"Well after that everyone thought I lost the baby, but I didn't...thankfully. I was so embarrassed and ashamed with myself that I tried to kill myself because you left me...so I uhh started with cutting...because I didnt saw a way out"