Bullet Wound

Chapter 25: Purpose

Evan sat down in his chair, eyes to the ground. He traced the pattern of the floor with fake enthusiasm, he wanted to crush something to stare at tiles on the floor. However he had never been the destructive anger type, no matter how badly he wished to throw something to the ground and watch as it shattered. It was like a moment of triumph, only then to realize it was a rash decision to make.
He ran his fingers through his hair, tugging more than lightly on the strands. Evan tried to compose himself but frankly it was becoming harder and harder with each passing day, like a rotting tree. Evan threw his head back in frustration, he wanted to do this mission, not for him but for John. However he wished Kristen wasn't monitoring his every move, he wished she would just disappear from his life. He liked to think that's when all his problems started, but truthfully his scars went much deeper. 
Evan thought of a life that was always out of his reach, one where he was safe. It was too late to begin now, not when he already had his wreck of a life left to complete. He had expectations to reach, justice he needed to give, but to himself he had nothing to offer. He felt worthless, used like a plastic utensil. He was scared, but he was also angry.
Evan hated Ms.K, he hated the point in his life he was in. The battle between life and death, one he would never win. Evan couldn't even fight against his own conscious and bad decisions. How was he supposed to fight for his own life? The answer was he couldn't.
He was tired of feeling bad for himself, but there were no opportunities where he could be proud. As if pride had been completely erased from his persona long ago. He knew had to go to that location, he needed to do John some sick form justice. Only he feared death, it was always there, waiting until his life span ran out. Creeping around every corner like a shadow; there was a point in his life where he searched for death, for an escape. Unfortunately for him there was none, in its place were dead ends.
Evan sighed as he massaged his face, trying to soothe his own repressed emotions. He heard the door softly click shut, he half opened his eyes at the noise. Evan let himself relax as he was met with familiar brown eyes, with their soulless warmth.
"How are you holding up?" he asked, his voice not loud but not quiet either. Evan didn't respond, only looked up at him with exhaustion.
He wasn't physically tired, but mentally he was more burnt out than his dad's cigarette. Evan put a lot of effort in trying to remain in one piece, stay in his place. However when he was passed around like a toy from place to place, where they tore his heart out of his chest for fun. It proved to be quite difficult.
"I'm doing just fine," Evan lied, he didn't know why he did. It was pure instinct, what he was trained to say.
    William crouched down to Evan's level, giving him an unamused look. "You want the truth? I'm a mess," he said blubbering his words.
Evan ran his hands through his hair, tugging hard enough it hurt. "I need a whole other lifetime to fix this," he mumbled quietly to himself.
"You can't just throw away the entire paper everytime you make a mistake," William replied swiftly, pulling Evan up from the chair.
He forced a laugh, "My whole paper is a mistake, it's falling apart at the seemes," Evan added in a less than playful tone.
William stood a few feet away from Evan, "What would you do if you got a new paper?" he asked, a spike of curiosity in his voice.
Evan thought for a moment before answering, "I'm not sure," he said truthfully. "Then your paper would remain blank."
William put a hand on Evan's shoulder, "You're stuck," he said. He shot him a puzzled look, "Stuck how?"
William sighed, "You're not moving backwards, but not forwards either. You're stuck in one place," he explained, his words floating around in Evans' head.
He considered what he was saying, there was truth, painful truth. It'd been that way for a long time, even if Evan knew where he stood there was little idea on how to change it. Taking action in his own life was a difficult concept for him to grasp, it seemed like others were always doing that for him.
"How do you propose I get unstuck?" Evan said jokingly, although he really did wonder for the answer. William looked at him, they locked eyes.
His brown eyes sparkling with life, a difference from his usual lightless eyes. The air thickened and Evan's heart sped up. It seemed every time Willaim's eyes stared into his own, his body went into overdrive. Like when you flipped a switch.
Evan's eyes widened a bit when he felt William lightly rub his back, as if a way to soften the blow. "You do something, something that matters."
He pulled Evan closer, "Life is a gamble, there is always something to gain," he said softly, "But you also have something to lose."
William's hand fell back to his sides, Evan moved closer. "What are you saying?"  he asked, slipping his hand into William's. He drew a breath, "Nothing changes on its own, there's fear but you need to keep playing."
William interlocked his hand with Evan's, his warmth spreading through Evan's body. "It's not all bad right?," Evan said, his words soft and gentle, as an uncontrollable smile crept on his face.
William squeezed his hand a little tighter, not hard enough to hurt but enough to make a point. "Of course not, if you gamble right it can even be fun."
Evan hugged William, resting his head on his shoulder. "Just have the confidence to make a play."
William smiled back at him, it was a small gesture that sent Evan into a whole different world.
"Ready to go?" William asked, Evan hesitated for a moment. "Not really," he answered truthfully. Then he smiled, "But it's my turn, so I have to go."
William laughed as he lightly creased Evan's hand with his own. In a way the two men were similar in such different ways, like sponges. Always sucking up water, holding in tears, but there was only so much a sponge could hold.
Evan's smile brightened, his heart pounding out of his chest this time for the right reason. A reason he welcomed with open arms; He looked at William and was filled with a feeling he couldn't describe.