My suicide had been two years in the making when I decided not to follow through at the last minute.
Over the past decade, I've written poems, books, short stories, fanfiction and hundreds of thousands of words, but nothing felt complete. This coll...
My first session with the interim psychologist went well! It was mostly an introductory thing, but the main takeaway is that we'll be meeting once a week until mid-December, then reevaluate. She's working hard to secure a spot for me at the specialised therapy facility-centre-thing, hopefully by early January. For now, at least I'm partly set up, which is such a relief. And a two-month wait is already heaps better than the six month one from last time.
I've officially agreed to babysitting my favourite cousin next year—a.k.a. Sparky a.k.a. my aunt and uncle's dog. Housesitting and Sparkysitting in Slovakia. Joy! It feels like a massive commitment, probably the biggest I've made so far, almost like a blood oath because I know without a doubt I'd never back out unless forced (as in, zombie apocalypse-forced). Nine days in early March, followed by another nine days in mid-April.
Internally, this decision came just hours after deciding not to unalive myself. Right before the train rolled into Inverness, near the river Beauly, I vividly remember thinking, I guess I can text my auntie now and tell her I'm up for Sparky duty.
The house is a feat of modern architecture, complete with a commercial grade kitchen, saltwater pool and deer that wander through the garden. The local trails are rarely used despite being beautiful, and there's even a castle at walking distance that has the cutest little café. Sparky's a silly good boy who gets excited about almost everything, and I relate to that on a visceral level.
This was him this summer, scared of the big sky booms:
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Yor's coming with me for the March trip, but I'd been waiting for the right moment to ask G to join me in April. That moment never came, and now it won't.
Been trying to practice my handy skill of convincing my brain I don't give a fig about a specific person in order to protect me from myself, and it's not working. All weekend long, my traitorous brain kept going oh he would've loved this oh he would've fit right in oh he probably would've found that funny too.
Hung out with Z and E tonight, and it was so good to hug them and do my new thing of truthfully telling people how I've been. Went alright! Dinner was delicious, and we shared a giggle or two hundred. The night was crispy cold and starry. I had a cinematic, hips-a-swingin' walk home with Katy J Pearson blasting in my ears.
I'D COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE AMERICAN ELECTIONS AND NOW I'M STRESSED ABOUT THAT TOO. Rewatching Derry Girls.
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Negative Nancy #25 – 06/11/2024
The main purpose of these entries is to help me put my thoughts down. I won't censor myself or set any limits on what I can or cannot say (except for minor name censorship). Yes, I'm posting this online, but this is essentially still me writing for myself, I am my own target audience. That being said, if you know me well enough to know my second name, let's silently agree that nothing you learn here can be held over my head. You're free to talk to me about it if you'd like, but don't use it against me, please.
