Toxic | Hyunlix

XVII

I had a good day today with Louis. Today nobody has called me and I wasn't busy all day. Maybe I'm not that famous as I thought I was, other models probably starve right now, of work, of course I don't say that, cause it's good, it's better for me.
Something that bothered me all day was my mom. She called me when we were at the Eiffel Tower. She did not sound really good and I got so worried. After our walk we took a taxi and went home with Louis. I told him I have some chores to do at home, cause he wanted me to visit his apartment again. I get pissed off and that isn't even the start. He will continue trying to catch my attention. I knew he liked me ever since I met him, but the truth is that I don't even feel a single spark or interest. I just don't wanna hurt him. I am not a person who plays with peoples feelings. I'm gonna try my best to tell him that this cannot work out, even though I don't have a person by my side anymore, I still cannot replace Hyunjin with someone else. He's not even mine anymore, and I still feel like he is. I said to him that I moved on and stopped being a fool, which is wrong. The fact that I still think of him, makes me foolish.
***
I got inside my apartment and laid down on my couch to rest. My thoughts started swirling again. Louis distracts me after all. Even though I don't want him to show his interest to me, he distracts me from my problems which was... okay for now.
I smiled ironically to myself knowing nothing in my life is actually okay right now. I starred at the ceiling, listening to the silence but yet too many things in my head. I felt my tears coming again and I do not hesitate to cry. I know I was gonna feel better. I am so depressed. I am so sad. I am not happy. I am empty.
I felt myself not being able to breathe again. Same thing happened when I was at Louis's yesterday. I went inside my balcony. How many night I'm gonna be alone... How many nights am I gonna do the same things... I stood outside like a statue not moving and just starring outside. I felt so broken and tired. Exhausted.
I got out the cigarettes in my pocket and started smoking. My tears just kept falling down my face.
***
"Fuck on my life..." I whispered to myself exhaling the smoke feeling heavy. I pushed the cigarette in the ashtray, went back inside I threw my shoes over the room and took my coat off. I went to the kitchen and took my whiskey. I started drinking a lot of the bottle. I started crying even more as my thoughts pushing me further and further to what I fucking desire. I sat on the table next to me and kept drinking. My eyes felt weak as I kept drinking, my whole body actually.
***
I drank a lot of alcohol for a really short time and I feel like I've never been drunk this much in my entire life. My body felt super weak and I felt like I was gonna fall asleep.
-"Fuck.." I said with a crying voice, at this point I felt like I'm going crazy. I really did. I began to look around start shaking. I miss him so much. I miss him so much, I'm going crazy. I'm literally going insane. I held my head and God knew my breath was just running away from me. I looked my at my hands shaking so much. It's getting worse by every second.
-"Look at what you've done to me... look at what you've fucking done to me.."
I felt my sadness beginning to turn into anger. I began crying even more I felt like screaming but instead of that I took the glass next to me and threw it in the wall as it broke into pieces. I felt like that wasn't enough for me. I took the bottle and started drinking again. But this time the amount I drank was almost deadly. As I kept drinking I heard knocks on my door and placed the bottle in the table again. I starred at my door.
-"Felix.. sweetie.. how are you?" I heard Louis speaking through the door.
My eyes were almost closing and I laid down on the table. I am wasted. Really. Really fucking wasted.
-"Hello? Felix?"
I ignored him, but he knocked five more times after that and I decided to go and open.
-"Why didn't you answer?" He starred at me. -"Felix????"
-"Hi" I smiled. I was so wasted, I've never been drunk this much in my life. My eyes were almost closing and body was super weak. I know I was looking terrible right now.
-"What.. what did you.." he went inside and took me by my waist. -"Felix??? What did you do?"
-"What did I do?"
He looked around and saw the whiskey bottle on the table and the broken glass on the ground.
-"Oh my god... Felix?"
I smiled to Louis with pain and tears fell down on my face.
-"Is it... that feeling again, baby...?" He asked me coming closer to me.
-"Louis..." I said crying.
-"It's okay... it's okay..." he hugged me.
-"I can't-..."
-"Shhh..." he touched my eyes and brushed my tears away. My eyes were so red.
-"You are strong... you are strong Felix." He took my hands. -"You're not hurt.. Thank god." He kissed my left hand and then he kissed me.
-"I'm gonna make you happy. I wanna make you happy Felix."
I shook and head and moved away from him crying more and more.
-"You can't make me happy. No one can make me fucking happy, okay???" I spoke with a crying voice.
-"I hate this fucking place, I hate my fucking life, I hate my job, I hate every single second I spend here. I'm so fucking sick and tired, Louis."
-"But why... why my beautiful princess? Why.."
I did not say anything I took my cigarettes again and light it up inside the apartment. I sat on my couch.
I heard Louis sighing.
-"Felix... stop draining yourself like that... why are you doing this sweetheart..."
While Louis was talking I starred at the ground remembering that Hyunjin said "I'm gonna find you" in our phone call the other day and I got shivering down my spine.
Oh please find me, fuck my life Hyunjin.
My thoughts just kept going. Hyunjin. Hyunjin. Hyunjin and fucking Hyunjin.
I started crying again.
-"Louis.. could you please leave me alone, please... I'm gonna come later, please.."
He looked at me and sighed. He nodded at got out. As I was crying I took my phone.
***
I starred at his number. I am so screwed. How can just some numbers make me shake. Why does every little thing about him drives me crazy and affects me so fucking much. I was so drunk. I starred at the number as I smoked my cigarette.
I was just looking at it. I started crying even more. This time I gave my whole soul into crying and this time it was super painful through my soul. It wasn't just sadness or anger. The way I cry it's like it was pure.. coming straight from my soul.
I shook my head brushing off my tears.
"I can't..." I whispered, as I moved my thumb to call, but right before that someone else called me. When I looked the number I got shivering down my spine once again and started immediately smiling.
I answered trying not to sound like I was crying.
-"Felix..."
I squeezed my eyes and my head started spinning.
-"Where's my little model, huh..." he said it exactly like the last time. He sounded drunk.
I starred at the fireplace and my tears kept falling.
-"Don't you miss me, inside you.."
After a minute he whispered to me. I felt so weak. My hands started shaking again.