Toxic | Hyunlix

XVIII.

-"Why can't I just fucking forget you, why can't you just get out of my mind" I said quietly feeling like I'm burning alive. The way he makes me feel, he literally creates a war inside me, between my thoughts and my feelings, literally my whole existence.
-"Where are you...?" He asked -"Where the hell are you, Felix?" -"Wanna know something?"
I sighed as he asked me that and laid on the table in front of the couch. I sat on the ground, my eyes were super red, I was extremely drunk, i couldn't believe it. My body was also feeling weak.
-"I went to a therapist and they gave me antidepressants when you left."
-"Bullshit..." I said quietly.
-"Bullshit? You don't believe me?"
I laughed.
-"Do I believe you? Me? Believing you? Are you even a person to put their trust in?"
-"No. I'm not. But I'm not lying."
-"You ruined my fucking life Hyunjin, and you're telling me you taking antidepressants? You are fucking psychopath, and honestly I hope God returns it to you ten times worse and I hope you never ever get to experience true love, I hate you so much."
He smirked with a sound and didn't say anything.
-"You're not alone right..." he started again.
-"Yes I'm not alone."
-"You're not,huh..?" I began to hear his jealous and angry tone. I felt so good. I wanted him to burn just like I do. I really wanted him to feel this.
-"What do you think, just because I still can't get over you, I'm gonna be alone for the past three years?" I laughed.
I just know he clenched his jaw by this other side.
-"Felix."
-"What? You're like this too."
-"I haven't touched a girl after you. I haven't talked to anyone."
I laughed by how funny that was. -"Oh, God, I'm not a fucking fool I told you. I know your every tactic. I'm not the one to play with, and you know that right."
-"You seriously fuck around with someone else?" He asked again.
-"Okay so.. he lives above me actually. We did it the other night and he made me breakfast in the morning. How does that make you feel, good?"
-"Felix." He raised his voice.
-"Oh.. what's going on? Why are you mad?
I heard knocks on the door and smiled.
-"Wait a sec." I hung up the phone. I'm never calling him back.
I stood up and opened the door.
-"Felix... I'm worrying about you I can't just stay in my apartment I'm sorry." Louis said.
-"It's okay, come in."
-"Do you feel better?"
-"Yes I do."
He sat on the couch and starred at me.
-"I was worried about you. You can't keep doing this Felix. We have to do something."
I went closer to him and slowly sat on his lap. I was super drunk. He starred at me with sparkly eyes, from the fireplace.
-"Louis..."
-"Yes.." He gently grabbed my thighs with both of his hands, I'm not gonna lie it felt amazing. As he starred at my eyes, slowly removed his one hand and place it on my cheek.
-"You're so gorgeous.. it doesn't fit you getting this wasted, you know that."
I starred at his lips, I remembered how bad Hyunjin feels right now and that he probably punches the wall. It felt so good to know that he burns inside just like I did seconds ago. I hugged Louis and my phone ringed again. Louis looked at it.
I smiled. -"it's not important."
He looked at me once again and we slowly started kissing.
-"You could take it if.. it's"
-"It's not. Let's go in my room."
He grabbed me and stood up and we went to bedroom. My phone couldn't stop calling.
-"You can pick u-"
-"Noo." I closed the door behind us and started kissing him more. I took off his clothes and he took off mine. We wrapped around the white blanket. My phone ringed once again, I smiled.
-"I want you to be amazing..." I whispered to Louis as I saw him getting weak by my request.
-"Yes, princess... I told you I'm gonna make you so happy." He kissed my neck slowly and I rolled my eyes. It felt extremely good. I just wish Hyunjin could see how good I feel and burn even more. But this is enough for me. He definitely knows what came after the door knocks. And the fact that I hung up the phone.
***
-"I'm gonna erase whatever is on your mind, you just have to trust me." Louis said. I turned around and I saw the daylight. I couldn't feel my legs at all.
-"Oh my goodness." I felt like throwing up a lot.
-"What?"
-"I feel like I'm gonna throw up."
Louis stood up quickly and put on his shorts. He dressed me in his t-shirt which was sitting like a literal dress in me. He grabbed me slowly and we got out the room.
-"I.. I'm gonna go it's okay."
He saw me and gently placed me on the ground again and I went to the bathroom.
***
-"Princess.. who called you so many times last night?"
Hyunjin called me fifteen times. I sighed and left my phone on the couch again.
-"It's just my friend Georgina, we kind of argued yesterday and she couldn't stop calling me. But it's okay."
-"Okay.." he came closer to me and grabbed me by my waist. -"Today.. I wanna take you out again. And... I wanna ask you something, but you can take your time with that. I think it's gonna be way better if we do it like this..."
-"What..?"
-"I'm gonna tell you later. Do you have any plans today?"
-"I do. I have a photoshoot today. Put I'll be ready in about two hours and we could go out."
-"Okay. I'll be upstairs if you need anything tell me."
I nodded and smiled.
***
I got dressed up and made myself breakfast. I went to my balcony to eat. After a while I put on a jacket and went outside. I felt like smoking so I got out a cigarette and light it as I walked down the street. I went to a bridge close to where I live and sat on a bench. The sun was shining in my face so I felt immediately better. I don't remember a lot of things that happened yesterday. I just remembered that I cried. And I had cried like I've never cried like this before. I'm still so in love with Hyunjin. I can't lie, I really can't stop thinking about him daily. Sometimes it gets worse than I think, I'm starting to freak out by the missing of him.
I haven't seen him in three years and it feels like decades. Sometimes my mind flies to some thoughts that go by taking the first flight and get back to LA but then I realise i shouldn't do that. As I smoked my cigarette filled with thoughts again, my phone called.

***
-"Felix..." I heard his voice weaker than ever. I hesitated to pick up but I did.
I sighed. -"What is it.." I tried to sound as cold as possible.
-"Felix... I love you so much." He started crying. I froze and I did not blink. As I exhaled the smoke I just froze and did not move. He just cried. My heart started racing.
-"Felix.." he stuttered through his crying, I got chills over my whole body. This is the first time I ever hear Hyunjin's crying. -"I can't fucking do this anymore, I can't fucking live without you, I love you so much, Felix." When he said my name in the last sentence he began crying even more. My heart broke into tiny pieces. He literally cried. My eyes got watery.
-"I don't care if you don't believe me, I have never ever touched someone since you left. I think about you everyday, I am literally going crazy over you, I drink everyday I don't go out and yes I know this is the first time you ever hear me crying, but ever since you fucking left I do this fucking daily. I wouldn't stop, if I don't see soon, I'm gonna die, Felix, do you understand me?"
I did not flinch even a bit. I couldn't believe he's crying.
-"Say something, Felix. Say something, please, where are you? Where the fuck are you?" He raised his voice again, I heard the pain through his voice and squeezed my eyes.
I sighed -"Paris." I said quietly.
-"What??"-Are you joking?"
-No."
-"Are you serious, Felix, please."
-"Hyunjin I am serious, I live in Paris."
-"Okay." He sighed deeply. -"I'm booking a flight now."
I sighed. -"Hyunjin, you can't do that."
-"Oh really? Let's see if I can't."
-"Yes you can't. What if you come? Tell me what are you gonna do when you come?"
-"What do you mean what am I gonna do Felix? I love you and I need you in my life, don't you understand that?"
-"But it's the opposite for me, Hyunjin. You only ruined my life, when I was with you. I weirdly can't stop thinking about you either but you do not know how to love at all and you traumatised me for the rest of my fucking life."
-"Please don't say that, Felix. If I did not know how to love I wouldn't be at my place all the time drinking, getting crazy over you."
-"Then why did you cut me that night, Hyunjin? You made me hate LA, I flew all the way to Paris just to forget you, but nothing worked out. You just fucking ruined me, that's it."
-"I know, I shouldn't have do that, I know trust just, wait for me, please. I promise you, we are gonna figure this out."
-"There's nothing to figure out, Hyunjin. You only gonna make things worse. Don't think I'm selfish, I do go through hard things just because of you too, but time is gonna heal trust me."
-"No. nothing is gonna heal me, Felix. The only thing that is gonna heal me is you in my arms."
I sighed and looked around with tears dropping down my face.
-"We're so fucked you know that... and you know the only solution for this is to meet." He said again.
-"Hyunjin, what if the things get worse?" I started crying again. -"What if you act like a fucking dick with me once again. How could I trust you? How could I believe you when you ruined my trust and my life as well."
-"Please just don't cry, Lixie baby...I'm gonna fix this. I realised how much I've hurt you. Please trust me.. this time will be different, please, this can't go through the phone and you know that. I need to meet you as soon as possible. Just stay online and keep being in touch with your phone, whenever I call you and I want you to pick up, do you understand?"
-"I can't trust you."
-"Felix... please, I'm gonna die if I don't meet you soon... can't you fucking understand that? I love you so fucking much and I want only you in my life. Please  give me another chance, Felix, i promise you won't regret it."
-"I gave you one thousand chances ever since I've met you, Hyunjin, don't come, don't call me again, please. Don't ruin me again."
-"I'm not gonna fucking ruin you, Felix" he raised his voice again. -"I'm getting out of fucking control, without you. I'm wasting my fucking time I need you to promise me that you're gonna be in touch with your phone and when I call you I need to fucking pick up, okay???"
I sighed.