Wars at Home

Chapter 5

The following days were difficult. I wanted nothing more than to lock Samuel in his room and tell the army that he wasn't old enough. That they couldn't have my baby.

But I knew Andrew was right. Samuel had to make his own mistakes and he'd already done it. Besides, I didn't know what the army would do to him if they found out that he lied. At the very least, I guessed that they would put him in jail. Which I still thought was better than having him go off to war, but what if the consequences were so much worse than that? I had no idea what the law said about this.

And even though he was still my child, he wasn't a little boy anymore. He was nearly a man. Granted, he was a very young man, but I couldn't hold on to him forever.

It wasn't hard to tell that he was taking what Andrew had said, to heart. From the look of guilt he wore most of the time, I knew he felt repentant. At least, he was sorry about hurting me and disappointing Andrew. I could still see a twinge of defiance underneath it though. It was as if he still believed that he'd done the right thing. He just felt bad that we didn't agree.

It almost hurt too much to be around him, yet at the same time, knowing that he would be gone soon, I couldn't bear to stay away from him either. I had a hard time holding myself together, but I tried to keep things as normal as possible for James and Victoria. They needed a stable mother, and the house wasn't going to run itself.

But try as I might, I wasn't much good those few days before Samuel left, and it was worse when he was gone. For nearly a week, I hardly found the strength to get out of bed and do the bare minimum required to feed my family and ensure that the house didn't fall apart.

After that, I forced myself to mostly bury my emotions and regain as much normalcy as possible for the sake of my family.

When I came out of the fog that Samuel's departure left me in, I noticed that Thomas was taking it pretty hard as well. It wasn't in quite the same way as I was, even though he loved his brother and would undoubtedly worry about him. With Thomas, it was more that he felt responsible for the whole thing. As if Samuel's actions had been the result of his inaction.

Despite what Samuel had claimed, it wasn't true. Thomas' refusal to enlist may have prompted Samuel to actually go through with it when he did, but knowing just how far he was willing to go, I was certain that it was only a matter of time before he enlisted for another reason.

I reassured Thomas of that fact countless times, but he never quite believed me. Which wasn't too surprising. He had always taken more responsibility upon himself than was necessary. But at least I knew I wouldn't have to worry about him feeling responsible to enlist now. So that was something.

His promise was mostly enough, but after a while, it was entirely likely that he might feel he couldn't, in good conscience, stay out of the war while others were putting their lives at risk. Now however, he wouldn't want to upset me further if there was any way out of it.

The days dragged on, and I lived for the letters that Samuel would send home. I'd been so relieved to get the first one, hearing that he was alive and well. It also helped me relax a great deal when I learned that he wouldn't be shipping out for at least a month.

It was after that month that I was really on edge. The letters seemed to come less and less often, and I dreaded them stopping altogether. Each one gave me only a brief respite from my constant anxiety before I would realize that he had to have sent it at least a week before it arrived. Literally anything could happen to him in that time and I would have no idea.

I couldn't help wondering if I'd held him for the last time, the day he left, and I wished I'd held on just a little bit longer.

Days turned into weeks. All the while, I prayed for the war to end so Samuel could come home. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Months passed, and I understood how all those mothers managed to stay sane with their sons in constant danger. They didn't have a choice. Life went on. I couldn't just stop everything to worry about Samuel, even though that urge was almost always there. I still had a husband and three other children to think about.