Wars at Home

Chapter 24

The children all had mixed feelings about mine and John's announcement. They all shared the same complete and utter shock, though.

Emily, Matthew, and Ruby all seemed mostly fine with it. It was just so sudden that they hadn't been able to really show much emotion besides surprise and getting caught up in the excitement.

I wasn't very worried about how they would react once they had the chance to get used to things though. Emily and Matthew were both old enough to understand that their father remarrying didn't mean he was trying to replace their mother. Ruby had been so young when Jenny died, and had been without a mother most of her life, so she seemed to be taking this as strictly a good thing.

It was James and Victoria that worried me. Right now they just seemed to be going along with everything, but I knew they were too young to completely understand how I could still love Andrew even though I was marrying John.

I knew that they felt a little betrayed, but they also had a hard time acting as if they felt that way since they both loved John so much.

He'd really taken over a lot of things with them in the last year. He hadn't stopped being that father figure for them after I was able to come out of my original grief. James had started going along with John and Matthew to work on the ranch much of the time. And once Thomas moved into his own house with Marianne, Victoria clung to John in his absence. It wasn't quite the same, of course, but Andrew's death had left a huge void in her life and she'd turned to John to fill some of it.

I knew that in time, they would come to understand, but I worried about how they would feel until that happened.

Thomas had been shocked like everyone else, but beyond that, I didn't have a clue how he felt about everything. He'd been the one I was sure would understand the most, and I could almost always read his emotions. But so far, I'd gotten nothing from him other than his surprise.

Which made things tense as we stood outside the church, waiting for the signal that things were starting so Thomas could walk me down the aisle.

I'd wanted to sit down and really talk this out with him, but with him now living in his own house and the fact that I had a wedding to plan all in about four days, I hadn't gotten the opportunity.

And now didn't seem like the time, given that I was going to have to actually go get married any minute.

So I stood, waiting and wishing I could know what was going on in my son's head.

"Do you know what Marianne said was the first thing she fell in love with about me?" he asked, seemingly out of nowhere. But since he was smiling, I didn't question the arbitrary topic.

"What?" I smiled.

"My eyes," he said. "She said that's what she noticed first about me and that she wanted to look at them forever. And so I told her not to look too closely at Matthew."

He was passing it off as a light joke, but my smile quickly faded, realizing what he was telling me.

He was telling me that he and Matthew shared the same eyes. And if he'd noticed that about Matthew, I didn't doubt for a second that he'd noticed the same thing about John. He was telling me he knew that John was his father.

"Thomas, I..." I had no idea what to say to him. How could I have honestly expected him to never find out?

"I'm sorry," I said. "I never wanted you to know. To feel... different or..."

It was partially true, but mostly I'd been ashamed for myself. What did he think of me now? No wonder he'd kept his feelings about this wedding so well hidden.

"I can't say I'm completely sorry that it happened because you are so special to me, but I'm sorry that I lied. I just didn't know how to-"

Thomas took my hands and shook his head. "That's not why I told you. I don't want apologies or for you to feel guilty. I just wanted you to know that I knew. And I wanted you to know that I'm okay with it."

I stared at him in wonder. How could he so easily be fine knowing that?

"Dad was my father in every way that matters," he said. "And he always will be, but in a way, I feel like I lost one father but I still sort of have one."

I let the tears fall down my cheeks as I put my hand to his face, marvelling at how easily forgiving he was. More than just telling me he was alright knowing that John was his father, he was telling me that he was fine with this wedding.

"How long have you known?" I couldn't help wonder.

"For a while," he said. "I always felt something was different between me and Uncle John. One day I noticed that we had the same eyes and that Matthew did too. And I just put it together in my mind."

"I was angry at first," he admitted. "I wanted to keep being angry. But I watched you. How you were with Dad and with Uncle John. I never had to wonder if you loved Dad. Thinking back over my life, I realized there was nothing to question. You loved each other more than a lot of my friends' parents did and I knew there was nothing between you and Uncle John that there shouldn't be."

"And then I watched Dad for some sign that he didn't love me as much as Sam or James, but there was nothing. I was always his son as much as the others were."

I smiled, fighting my tears. "You were never anything else to him."

"I know." He seemed to be having the same problem I was with his emotions.

"And John," I said. "He always loved you. I know it killed him to give you up, but he did it. He did it for me. And so you could be with me and have the kind of life that you did."

He smiled and glanced down.

"Hey, you two," Julia called from the doorway.

I focused on her and wiped my face, hoping that my make up wasn't smeared.

"We're waiting to have a wedding here," she said. "Are you two coming? I think John's getting nervous."

I laughed as Thomas led me to the doorway.

"We're definitely coming," I said.

Julia winked and ducked back inside.

As I heard the music start to play, I felt nervous again. What if I'd smeared my make up very badly? At almost forty, I needed all the help I could get in that department. It was a small wedding, but still.

The doors opened and Thomas leaned down to kiss my cheek.

"You look beautiful, Ma," he said before leading me down the aisle.

He may not have had Andrew's blood, but he'd certainly inherited his thoughtfulness and intuition.