Wars at Home

Chapter 23

The walk to the ranch was much too short. I could have sworn it took longer to walk from Julia's on any other day.

But there I was, standing on the front porch, staring at the door, and trying to work up the nerve to actually go inside.

What was I thinking? This couldn't possibly end well. Julia had to be wrong. It was completely crazy.

But what if it wasn't? What if John was just waiting for some positive sign from me? Julia was right about one thing, at least. I couldn't expect him to initiate anything given the way I'd been acting lately.

But what if I'd blown this whole thing out of proportion in my mind, and John really didn't feel anything for me but friendship? What if I let him know what I felt and he didn't feel the same? What if I ruined our relationship for good?

Those conflicting thoughts occupied my mind the during the too-short walk over, and they kept my feet glued in place now.

My instinct was to turn right around, go home, and forget this whole thing.

But what would I say to Julia? Besides that, things were not exactly great the way they were. There was still all that tension between John and I. And if Julia noticed, it wouldn't be long before everyone else started noticing. Whatever this was between us wasn't just going to go away.

"That door's not gonna open itself, you know."

Startled, I jumped and then cringed, feeling stupid for not thinking about the fact that John might not actually be inside. Now, on top of everything else, I had to wonder how long he'd seen me standing here, staring at his front door like an idiot.

When I turned to look at him, he was wearing that goofy grin that had never failed to make me smile.

I stood there for a second after my smile faded, wondering what in the world to say now.

John looked at me curiously for a second before he walked up the steps and opened the door for me. He gestured me inside, ahead of him, still watching me strangely.

Wonderful. As if I wasn't already nervous enough. Now I had to do this while John was looking at me like I was crazy.

Taking the brief escape, I ducked inside and nervously stood in the hall, waiting for him to follow.

John closed the door and came to stand in front of me. He looked into my eyes, no doubt noting the half-crazed look there and was instantly serious.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, worried. "Are the children alright?"

"No," I said quickly. "I mean, yes. The children are fine."

"Oh." John relaxed, but was still obviously wondering what I was doing here and why I looked the way I did.

I tried quite a few times to say something, but each time I couldn't even manage to get a word out. It was just stilted noise that passed my lips.

What was I supposed to say? I just came here because I realized I'm still in love with you and I wanted to see if you were in love with me?

Sure it was true, but I was never going to be able to say it.

Judging by the way John was starting to smile again, he suspected why I was here. But I still couldn't get it out.

"How's Larry?" I grasped at the first thing I could think of that wouldn't make me sound like a complete idiot.

Of course, after it was out there, I realized that me coming all the way out here to ask about John's overseer, who we both knew was perfectly fine, was pretty idiotic all on it's own. Especially since I could have just asked when he returned for supper.