Fire rose

Dear Anger

She said to me

"You can stop fighting now

You already won

Look at the amazing woman you've become

You can let go of your anger now

You can stop holding onto it"

Am I?

Am I keeping on holding onto it?

Maybe

Maybe because it feels like I didn't really win

It doesn't feel like I won

But rather it feels like I have lost

Lost too much

And too many times

And in truth

I know how strong and amazing I turned

Despite her

Despite my past

Despite all the bullshit I've been through

Despite all that I lacked and hungered for

But you have to understand

My anger was my motor

My anger was my strength

Without it, I would have been frozen in despair

Buried in sadness

Numb in pain

But my anger

My anger wanted more

Better for me

My anger gave me determination

My anger taught me change

My anger saved me

Maybe that is why I hold onto it

Because it is all that I know

It's all I have ever known

Anger is a part of me now

And I don't know if I can take it away from me

Maybe it is too late for me

Anger is me

And I am anger

I am rage

I am fire

I burn and burn forever

And even if I know I am also

Empathy, resilience, kindness, happiness

Confidence, strength, courage, and so much more

But without anger I would not have made it 

Until here and now

So somehow, I am grateful for my anger

I don't hate it

I don't resent it

It saved me from despair

It saved me from depression

And maybe even the death of my soul

It gave me the strength to stand up again

Again and again and again

The fire in my heart to keep me warm

When the world around me was so cold

Maybe I hold onto my anger

Like to a mother

One who listened to my cries

And dried my tears

Anger is my mother

She gave me a life to fight for

A flame in my heart

A voice to speak

A reason to survive

So maybe I am nothing without my anger

She is part of me now

And that I want it or not

She made me a warrior

A survivor

And I don't know how to stop fighting

I don't know how to give up this anger

It has become my way

Or is it my curse ?

Of course I am tired

I am tired to carry it alone

This weight on my shoulders

I am tired to feel alone in this anger

I am tired to face everything they won't

I am tired to be strong

To face their mistakes

And fight their demons

Will it make me crazy

Or will it make me who I should be

A fighter

A better version of myself

And a cure to our diseased past

And somehow it feels like I never chose it

But it chose me

Swallowed by my past shadows

Entangled in their illusions

Drowned in their denial

It was only fight or die for me

So I saved myself

And while I was going through hell and back

I still received your blame and disregard

Silent, I fought

Struggle after struggle

All the lies I've been fed 

And all the tears you've never seen

All the cries of help you've never answered

I threw them up on the paper

My silent companion

I kept my sharp words inside

Choking on them

Swallowing them back

Bleeding in my throat

So that they wouldn't hurt you

And shatter your mirrors 

Break the image of yourselves

And of this family

But I ended up hurting myself

And anger rot in my chest

So I bled these words on the paper

Leaving scars on the book of my life

Writing is my revenge

Writing is my healing

Writing is my legacy