All At Once

Meant for each other

Sunday 8th December
Today is the day I go to my ex's church
"Hello Happiness, where are you?" I called my friend that goes to that church too, she has also been inviting me
"Just stand there and wait I'm coming" I stood outside the teen church building, it was biggg, a two storey, just for a teen church? I knew a lot of people, from coursemates to old friends and schoolmates.
"Heyyy" Someone called out from behind, it was Happiness
"Finally you're here" I sighed
"It's so good to see you, it has been ages" she said and we hugged
I met Happiness sometimes in 2022 during computer training, we've been friends ever since.
We walked in, the building was so freaking big and beautiful, no wonder half of port harcourt teens love this church, even people in there 20s are still in this teens church lol.
I was too nervous to proceed, I haven't seen him in months now, I wondered what would have changed. My head processed thousands of thoughts at once.
We eventually got in and we were given a seat at the front, I hate front seats but I didn't protest. I settled down, and then I saw him. He sat at the front too playing the keyboard like he always does, facing the church, he was part of the instrumentalist crew.
They soon stopped playing and the pastor started preaching, I kept on staring, waiting for him to look this way, and he did, everything stopped for a second, he looked at me with that long face of his and big onyx eyes and I stared back, he gave a little smile, I did too and then looked away. Today would be good.
The rest of the service went by, I couldn't wait for it to be over. After the service, I did see a lot of people I knew and greeted so many too, but I only had eyes for one person. I went downstairs to take pictures with Nancy and Happiness when he texted
"Where are you? Come upstairs"
I quickly left them and went upstairs, we met, and as we stood facing each other I couldn't help but blush
"Hi" he said
"Hi" I replied. I was visibly nervous, as my hands got sweaty and my cheek red and my throat unexplainably dry.
"Come on, let's go talk somewhere" he said leading me, I followed.
We got to a quiet side of the building, it was so private but at least quiet.
"How are you?" He asked me
"I'm okay"
"No you're not" he chuckled, "you're visibly nervous, why?"
"Well we haven't spoken to you face to face in months now, it's normal to be nervous" I gave an anxious laugh.
He smiled "it's good to see you again"
I smiled.
We talked about normal stuff and caught up with each other
"What about your boyfriend?" He asked, I
hated when he asked this question, I just wanted us to enjoy the moment while we can
"He's fine" I said, by now my anxiety has reduced and I was back to myself.
"Do you mind me seeing a picture?" He asked, I looked at him, he was just looking for an excuse to ruin his mood probably.
I opened my phone and showed him
"Oh I think I've seen this face once, he's in our department right?"
"Yeah he comes around once in a while" I said
Noah smiled, I couldn't read if it was a smile of pain, or happiness.
"I still don't get why we broke up" he laughed
"Me neither" I said
"you know we never really broke up tho, we just stopped talking to each other"
I looked at him, he stared back
"Why didn't you text me?" I asked him
"Belle I was angry at you"
"Your anger is what pushed me away, I would have never left"
"You would have still waited" Noah added
"Waited for what exactly? Your silence told me everything, you didn't have to say a word" I said
"I don't know what I was thinking- I let-"
"It's in the past anyways I'm good now" I said interrupting him. We looked at each other
"Do you have a girlfriend now?" I asked
"No, but I'm currently talking to someone" He said, for some reason, my heart sank, I couldn't have him, but I didn't want him to be with someone else so soon
"Ohh okay" I said
We continued talking about surface level stuffs and then he said he had to go "come on, I'll walk you"
We went out of the room and started walking down the stairs, he turned to look at me and stretched out his hands, I took it, and that moment everything seemed perfect, the pain, the worry, the sadness I felt all disappeared, maybe Noah was the one? I don't know, but what I did know was that I was still in love with this man. I looked at him as he held my hands and gently led me down the stairs
'Only if you texted' I muttered to myself
"What?" He asked
"Nothing"
"Why are you looking at me like that" He laughed
"Oh well, just admiring" we smiled at each other.
This was the peaceful ending they talked about? But how could a peaceful ending be so painful at the same time
We got out the building and stood staring at each other, I wanted to hug him but I stood, holding back tears, our eyes telling us more than the mouth can say, as we both knew we belonged to each other.
"See you next Sunday?" He asked. I didn't want to come back here again, I didn't want to keep remembering, I didn't want him to keep on thinking about me too. But I just said "yeah sure"
"Alright, I'll text you" He said squeezing my hands and walking away, I didn't realize we were still holding hands till then, I was frozen to that spot he left me.
I eventually got home, wanting to cry but I couldn't, I just layed on my bed for the rest of that day reminiscing the days with Noah, I was poor but I was happy. Of course I'm happy with Trevor but everything seemed better with Noah.
I wanted to cry but I couldn't, the thought of letting another girl have him killed me. Now I know what he must have felt when he saw me moving on.
That night we spoke but still I slept with a heavy heart knowing that he wasn't mine anymore.

************************************
15th December
As predicted, I went to his church the next Sunday, curiosity got the better of me, I sat with my friend, Nancy, and then I texted him that I was there. The service ended and we met again at that same spot but this time he had companies, there was a girl there, which I suspected was my replacement cause she kept laughing at everything he said, which was disgusting and there was another guy there, I remember him from the party, Noah's party. I was talking to the guy while Noah was busy talking to different multiple people, he was quite popular here. Noah kept on staring at me and telling the guy to leave me alone, lol it brought me back to the old days.

After a while, we didn't talk much today, he was walking me out, today he followed me out the gate. We met his mum and he showed me to her again and I greeted her, she hardly remembered me tho, it has been ten months now.
"I feel you'd do me dirty again " he said.
"And I feel you're still proud asf" we laughed
"I did miss seeing your face tho" he said as we walked. I smiled
"I missed yours too" we dated so hard that at some point back then we started looking alike, so I definitely wouldn't forget his face.
"We should hang out sometime" I suggested
"Definitely, just that work has me on choke hold these days" he said
"You work now?" I asked
"Yeah I do a lot of things now" he said. I was proud of the man he's becoming
It was time for me to go, he looked at me
"Will you come next Sunday?" He asked
"Nahh I'll be traveling to the village for Christmas"
"When will you be back"
"I don't know yet but we wouldn't take long"
"Do you think there's a chance that we could work out again?" He asked
I couldn't believe my ears, he still wanted me back after everything, and deep down I still wanted him too, I didn't know what to say cause I couldn't let ten months with Trevor go away like that, after everything he has done for me.
"Why not we talk about this on text okay?" This would buy me more time to think things through
"Okay" he smiled "goodbye"
And we parted ways. That night I made up my mind to let go of Noah, I was somewhere better and I think it's time I think with my head not my heart, so I wanted to end things once and for all, as the new year was approaching I wanted to start on a fresh slate, without bad energy from the previous year. So I wanted to write a letter for him that I'd send later.
I wrote:

"My dearest Noah,
      I'm sending this today cause it's about time, I'm not bitter anymore cause I know what we had was real and I appreciate everything.
I promised myself that if we didn't get back together before 31st I'd cut off ties completely from you cause every time I feel the pain and I'm tired of feeling this way.
I know I was the one that left and I can't forgive myself for that. I wonder why I do what I do every night, I hate the fact that I can't accept love and I always think people will leave and I end up leaving first.
   I hate the fact that I can't forget you no matter how hard I try, I'm not even close and it kills me every day. 
   Remember on the 8th December, when I came to your church, you told me you were seeing someone new now, I wouldn't lie my chest physically hurt, and now I get you, I feel what you must have felt when you found out I moved on, and now I want you to be happy even if it makes me sad, we have to stay away from each other in order to move on.
   I don't know if you still feel anything for me, but I know I still do, Maybe I always will, and talking to you only makes it grow every day, and nothing hurts more than loving someone you can't be with.
I hope one day you could understand why I left, and how much I wished you texted me that day and forgave me, I didn't mean to end it, but things happened
   I'm sorry I left Noah, I did myself more harm than good. When I was seven, I had this neighbor his name was Noah, and I hated that name cause I thought it was dumb, and I hated it till I met you, it changed, now I can sing that name all day long, I didn't like playing instruments that much till I met you, I wanted to learn how to play so bad, I didn't like praying to God for everything, until I met you and now I tell God about you every night, I think people impact in us more than we notice.
   The Three months with you were the best month of my life, and I had no idea such as shorts period of time could change my life forever. I love you"
    I read what I just wrote, and pressed delete, and for some reason I slept well that night.