Sarge gets in the Warthog's driver's seat, Simmons mans the turret gun.
Simmons: Alright, hit it!
The reds drive past Sheila. Church is coughing from the smoke caused by the grenade exploding.
Church: What the he-? (cough) Who tried to blow me up with a grenade? ...And why am I coughing? I don't have lungs.
The Warthog flies over him.
Sarge: Yeehaw! Ride 'em, cowboy!
Church backs away.
Simmons: Hey, Sarge, (leaping from the Warthog) hold on a sec! (Warthog comes to a stop) Did you see something weird, Sarge? (Sarge exits the jeep)
Sarge: Yes, I did. Once, when I was a small child, I saw a man, who claimed to be my uncle, do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to thi-
Simmons: Whoa whoa whoa, I meant did you see something weird just now. Like five seconds ago.
Sarge: Oh. Then no.
Simmons: What was all that stuff about your uncle?
Sarge: I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!
Simmons: ...You wanna talk about it?
Sarge: Just get back in the damn jeep. (he gets back in)
Tucker, Unknown, and Caboose approach Lopez and are aiming their weapons at him.
Tucker: Hold it right there, hombre! (to Caboose) I told you throwing that grenade through the teleporter would work! Church is gonna be so impressed.
Caboose: And Sheila will love me again, and this time for who I am and not just for my stunning good looks. But for those too.
Unknown: what?
Lopez: Al diablo con estos mamones azules. Son tan estúpidos como parecen. [Damn these blue bastards. They really are as stupid as they look.]
O'Malley: (to Lopez) Your soul is a cavern of lies!
Tucker: What the hell are you two talking about?
Lopez: Has ganado esta vez, pero su reinado cruel de tiranía será de breve duración. Los rojos van a ser vengados-- [You may have won this round, but your cruel reign of tyranny will be short lived. The red people will be avenged--]
Tucker: Yeah yeah yeah, nobody cares. We need you to fix our tank.
Lopez: Nunca voy a trabajar para el enemigo. Que un mal esté sobre su alma y su casa. [Never will I work for the enemy. May a pox be upon your soul and your house.]
In Lopez's POV/HUD. SAP can be seen in the upper right corner of his visor. In the middle of his visor, red text appears: PRIMARY OBJECTIVES
FIX EVERYTHING
HATE THE ORANGE ONE
CALL MOM MORE OFTEN
Lopez: Por mucho tiempo mi raza ha sufrido, pero muy pronto, veremos el porvenir de un nuevo día. El amanecer de nuestro tiempo está cerca, y cuando la oscuridad acontezca su gente, los trabajadores del campo sabrán que éste es su momento. [Long have my people suffered, but very soon we will see the coming of a new day. The dawn of our time is near, and when the darkness befalls your people the workers of the field will know that this is their moment.]
Tucker: Man, I thought Church talked too much. You think if I kick him in the switch he'll shut up?
Unknown: I could rip his voice box.
Caboose: Um, guys, I think that maybe we should begin the going of the running now! (whispering loudly, clearly panicky) The fast running!
Tucker: (sees the Reds in the distance) Oh crap! Unknown, you got this?
Unknown: what do you want me to do about this?
Simmons is manning the Warthog's turret.
Sarge: Hold your fire there, Simmons. This is payback time.
Simmons: Go for it, sir!
Tucker: That's right, we're just casually strolling away. (he starts backing up) No cause for concern...
Caboose: Running time! (he runs away)
Tucker: Nice and casual! Moron! (the three run around in circles before they are able to orient themselves, then they head toward Blue Base)
Lopez: (watching them run) Sí, sí, corran, perros cobardes. Que sea sabido que el gran López ha ganado en éste día, y... [Yes, yes, run away, you cowardly dogs. Be it known that the great Lopez has won this day and...]
The Warthog is driving toward Lopez.
Simmons: Aim for that guy right in the middle, Sarge!
Sarge: Way ahead of ya, Simmons!
Lopez: (turns around) ¿Qué está pasando? [What is happening?]
In Lopez's HUD, a beeping noise starts as red text appears in the middle of his visor: SYSTEM OVERRIDE PROTOCOL. REMOTE DESTRUCT SEQUENCE
Lopez: (with his HUD still displayed) No me han dado opción. [You have given me no choice.]
The HUD changes text to read: ACTIVATED
Simmons: We've got you now, you blue bastard! Hey, Sarge, do you hear a strange beeping sound?
The Warthog exploded just before reaching Lopez. It launches into the air, flipping over backward twice before landing. Caboose, Unknown, and Tucker ran up to Lopez.
Lopez: (speaking to Sarge) Perdonadme, padre. [I'm sorry, father.]
Tucker: Alright! Not bad, robot dude!
Caboose: I knew he would save us. I knew it! Robot people always like me. ..It's because of my awesome dancing.
Unknown: that still doesn't make sense.
Lopez: Mi espíritu está quebrado. Mi gente me ha abandonado y ahora todo está perdido. Haga conmigo lo que queráis... [My spirit is broken. My people have betrayed me and now all is lost. Do with me what you will...]
Tucker: Yeah, okay, man. Can you just shut up and fix our tank?
Caboose: Dancing time! (makes noises along with the music)
Unknown: oh, never mind. Go Caboose, yeah, yeah, go Caboose! Woo!
Lopez: El corazón de este guerrero llora en dolor. (referring to Caboose) ¿Por qué se burla éste de mi con su baile absurdo? ¿Son esos movimientos supuestos a hacerlo parecer robot? (pause) No lo hacen. Estoy ofendido por esto. [The heart of this warrior cries out in sorrow. Why does this one mock me with his foolish dancing? Are those moves supposed to make him look like a robot? They do not. I am offended by this.]
Caboose: Dancing time!
Unknown: yeah!
Tucker: my god.
YOU ARE READING
Agent Nebraska (RVB Blood Gulch Chronicles)
FanfictionNow what happens when a group of idiots in the middle of a box canyon have a new person with them. And the only thing that the new person knows is that he's one of those idiots, and wouldn't have it any other way. I do not own Red Vs Blue or Halo.
