The Warthog has Sarge pinned and is slowly firing closer and closer to his head. Doc is still impotently sitting in the driver's seat.
Simmons: Okay, we gotta do something here guys.
Donut: You're right. I got dibs on Sarge's armor.
At Blue Base, Tucker kneeling in front of Church. The beeping is still heard.
Tucker: Okay, Church, you ready? I'm gonna yank the wire.
Sarge: Grif, if you see Lopez, tell him I forgive him. Tell him.. he was like a son to me.
Grif: I thought Simmons was like a son to you?
Sarge: No offense, Simmons. Lopez and I just.. understood each other better.
Simmons: Understood? He refused to speak English!
Grif: Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got.
Simmons: And now he's trying to kill you with a remote control jeep.
Sarge: Ahhhh, what a little rascal.
Tucker: Alright, here goes nothin'. One... Two... Three! (pulls the wire, there's a small electrical sound, and the beeping stops)
Church: Oh god, yes! Finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet! I thought that was gonna drive me nuts! ...Hey. Why can't I move my legs?
The Warthog stops firing.
Warthog: (emits its series of beeps, shutting down) Signal lost.
Grif: Wow, that was a close one. Are you okay, Sarge?
Sarge: Ah, horse puckey, I'm fine. Although I do have to admit, maybe a little bit disappointed.
Simmons: It's okay, sir. I know that you said a lot of things that you didn't mean. People say crazy stuff when they're faced with their own mortality.
Sarge: It's not that. I just felt like I could have taken him.
Grif: Taken who? The machine gun?
Sarge: Oh he was a worthy opponent to be sure, but right at the end there he was beginning to show signs of weakness. Cracks in the armor, if you will.
Grif: What? You can't fight a machine gun.
Donut: Yeah, Sarge. I know you're tough and all, but it is kinda hard to beat up hundreds of armor piercing bullets using only your face.
Sarge: And yet, he surrendered.
Doc: Guys, guys, it's okay, I've seen this before. Sarge just lived through a very traumatic ordeal. We all have ways of coping with the stress.
Grif: Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?
Doc: Oh I have my own system that works pretty well for me. ...By the way, the driver seat of the jeep is gonna need a thorough cleaning.
Church: This is great, this is just great! Thanks a lot, Caboose. Now what'm I supposed to do? My lower half is damaged.
Caboose: Why don't you try walking it off?
Church: I can't use my legs, moron.
Caboose: Oh, I see. ...Have you tried running?
Unknown: or leave the body.
Tucker: This doesn't seem like that big a deal. You hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides.
Church: Hey, I already told you: that was for science.
Unknown: what science is there? You gave Tucker back pains cause he's not strong enough to handle your fat ass.
Caboose: Why don't you just try walking on your hands? Then you could use your feet for high fiiiiives, and ...eatin' sandwicheeeees... and, you know, the important stuff.
Unknown: hehehe, footjobs.
Simmons: Hey, Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverized into dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Warthog.
Doc: Oh, right. Sorry. (accidentally drives the Warthog forward into Sarge again)
Sarge: Oh, hot buttered lug nuts!
Doc: Ooo, geez, I'm really sorry. I-I just was in the wrong gear, let me just... (accidentally rams Sarge again)
Sarge: Yoh, geez! There goes mah last kidney! I was saving that one for a special occasion.
Doc: Third time's a charm?
Simmons: I don't think so, Poindexter. Outta the jeep now!
Doc: I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help. Really!
Grif: Oh, is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our sergeant by ramming him over and over with a six thousand pound steel death machine. Now that we know that you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue.
Doc: ... ...Really?
Grif and Simmons: Get out!
Tucker is kneeling in front of Church, working on his wires.
Church: Well just start reattaching wires, I'll tell you when I feel something.
Tucker: What about that? Do you feel that, Church?
Church: No, what're you doing? I don't feel anything.
Caboose: Oh, Church? You know, I was thinkin'. ...Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?
Unknown: yeah, I think it's called a brain freeze.
The Reds are seen approaching Blue Base.
Church: Hey, Caboose? Yeah. Shut up.
Caboose: (seeing the Reds) Uhhhh... Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are-
Church: Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!
Simmons: Hey, Blues, we're here to- (sees Tucker kneeling in front of Church) What the hell are you guys doing!?
YOU ARE READING
Agent Nebraska (RVB Blood Gulch Chronicles)
FanficNow what happens when a group of idiots in the middle of a box canyon have a new person with them. And the only thing that the new person knows is that he's one of those idiots, and wouldn't have it any other way. I do not own Red Vs Blue or Halo.
