Oneshots, etc.

SCP Holiday chaos

A/N: Hello again, hope everyone's having/had a good Christmas, and/or Hanukkah, and/or New Year and/or whatever other cultural celebrations happen around this time of year(s?) that I either don't know the names of, or am just generally unaware of the existence of.
And if you haven't been having a good time lately, hopefully this nonsense will cheer you up at least a little bit.
:]
Also, side note: You can thank 50burningace/GCandIris for the fact that I'm actually writing and uploading stuff instead of vanishing yet again, since chatting about AU ideas with them has given me motivation to Do Stuff.
They've also got a lot of fun Origins stuff over on their AO3 (GCandIris), including several oneshots set in my Chaotic Pirates AU (they are the Pirate AU's official Angst Overlord, as declared by me), so if you want more of that AU and are suffering because of me and my terrible, inconsistent updates, I recommend you go read some of their stuff. And while you're at it, you should look at some of their other oneshots and AUs - they've got some cool things over there.
:}

The front door to the apartment flew open, slamming into the wall as Bryan entered the room with a dramatic flourish. The door's handle fit neatly into a crumbling dent in the plaster that had clearly been there for quite some time, indicating this must be a common occurrence.

Mario didn't look up from the dough he was kneading, continuing to beat it against the countertop so violently one might have thought it owed him money.

"Merry Christmas!" the scientist declared cheerfully, waltzing into the kitchen and wrapping an arm around Mario's shoulders. The immortal responded by elbowing him sharply in the gut, stubbornly refusing to turn away from the bread he was making.

"Merry Christianised version of an ancient Pagan celebration to you too," he deadpanned as Bryan doubled over in pain, clutching his stomach and wheezing. "If you vomit on my floor I'm going to personally sacrifice you to Jonathan."

"Oh, come on!" Bryan whined, standing upright and trying to regain what was left of his dignity; also known as none at all, ever. "Where's your Christmas spirit?"

"I'm pretty sure it got shot in the head and died that time Santa tried to kill us."

Bryan crossed his arms as he puffed his cheeks out and pouted, his ridiculous height making him look like a toddler who got put in the taffy-stretching machine from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. "You're no fun."

"And you still owe me twenty bucks from last New Year's. Get over it." Mario dropped the dough onto a tray lined with wax paper, made a halfhearted attempt to shape it into more of a circle than a blob, before giving up and promptly sliding the tray into the hot oven. Finally, after setting a timer, he turned and looked Bryan in the eye for the first time since the taller man had barged into his house a few minutes prior. "If you want someone to bother, Xylo and Kay are- the hell happened to you!?"

Bryan gave him a blank stare for a long moment before realising what Mario was referring to.

"Oh, right. That." A sheepish grin spread across his face, and he ran a hand through his dishevelled hair in an attempt to brush away the spiderwebs and dusty flakes of concrete that were tangled in his brown curls. He did not succeed. "Getting over here was a little difficult, you know?"

Mario shot him a dead-eyed glare, unimpressed. "No. No, I do not know. You look like you got run over by a hippo driving a steamroller."

Bryan shuffled his feet nervously, eyes darting from side to side. "Well, uh, you're not far off from what happened-"