"Rumia, please turn the lights back on. ...Otherwise, I'll have to start meth lean cocaining, you stupid bitch...!" Daiyousei threatened threateningly like a Trojan soldier virus breaking through a firewall by coughing really hard with a sneezing horse.
"Try me, you big ol' fairy! Your bright ass green hair hurts my eyes enough already, even in all this darkness!" Rumia rebuked.
"Well, I'm very sorry about that. I suggest getting better eyes to fix your skill issue." Daiyousei replied in an extremely passive-aggressive tone.
"Wait, stop it, guys! We're supposed to be team!" Cirno interrupted her friends' bickering.
"Hey, could we open the curtains?" Mystia suggested. "And maybe the window, too. Rumia stinks really bad in here..."
"Oh, good idea!" Cirno raised her index finger like a little nerd and went to open the window. "And now that you mention it, I smell it, too. ...Dang it, Mystia!"
"Ok, I will admit that I'm not the biggest shower or bath enthusiast, but you better not let any of the sunlight out there in here! If you do that, I will be even less likely to forgive you than I already am now!" Rumia said while pointing at Cirno, as if to use her Dark Flame Master ahh powers in order to prevent her from opening the curtain or window, but it did absolutely nothing.
Cirno laughed like a damn brat that should be sued and opened the curtain and window anyway. "How you like them apples, Rumier!"
Turns out they were all passed out for so long it had already turned dark outside. Rumia heaved a sigh of relief. "Wait, apples? Cirno, I'm not vegan!" She then went back to pouting for another dumb reason.
"Phew, now we can finally..." Daiyousei spoke before coughing 10 times and then speaking again. "...play UNO! Except we should probably also let Wriggle join, but uh...she looks kinda dead. How'd that happen?"
Everyone (except Daiyousei) stared (at Daiyousei) awkwardly without blinking a single time and it went on for 2 whole minutes.
"What? Why are you guys looking at me like I just consumed 10 human babies all at once? Shouldn't you be looking at Rumia instead?" Daiyousei asked in the Great Fairy Confusion.
"Well...when you said 'sick hospital fever now bicycle is headache😖' or something like that, Wriggle really felt that. In other words, you killed her!" Mystia informed.
"I DID?!1?!?!1?!?1" Daiyousei was unable to comprehend the Great Fairy Plot Twist that was just unveiled.
"Daiyousei, how could you?! I thought we were friends....I thought we were the best fairy buds!" Cirno, despite being the strongest, shed a few frozen tears (which was WAYYYYYY too out of character for her wtf).
Just as a moment of silence was about to be kept for the one and only Wriggle Nightbug, who had now unfortunately passed, a holy being descended upon Team ⑨.
The being looked exactly like Cirno, save for the fact that she was clad in a giant Finnish flag because the author is a nationalist and maybe a racist, too ((AN: CURSE YOUR TWITTER MINDSET, NARRATOR!!!!!! THAT LATTER PART IS COMPLETE BOGUS!!!!!!!!!!)).
"*gasp* FINNISH CIRNO?!?!??!1!!!=!1?!" Everybody, even Wriggle, was shocked like Marisa had just Master Sparked them all.
"Moi mortals. It is me, Sirkku." Finnish Cirno spoke, her voice sounding like qzeq, the famous Finnish man on YouTube.
"Wait, what's my Finnish cousin doing here?" Cirno asked.
"Reviving your friend with the magic of Pohjola." Finnish Cirno responded, accidentally summoning Louhi from F/GO in the process.
"What's this talk about Pohjola? Do you need Louhi to lend you her magic? Or salmiakki? Or kalakeitto because the author keeps accidentally spelling Louhi's name as Lohi?" Louhi asked Finnish Cirno while speaking in third person like we here in Finland definitely do (no cap).
"NO, GET OUT HAG. JUMALAUTA." Finnish Cirno shouted calmly.
"Haista paska!" Louhi raised her fist in anger and disappeared into spirit particles or some shit.
"Anygays, revival time. I'ma bout to morb." Finnish Cirno pulled out a bag of pure white Sirkku sugar and poured it all over Wriggle. This is further proof that the author is racist.
((AN: Ai emu nottu reisisto! Ai emu akshuari gei!))
"Holy shit, the author is double racist!" Mystia yelped in fear. "She's on her way to snipe all youkai in Gensokyo! Rumia, we should run! Oh, right, and Wriggle, you run too now that you're alive."
"Wait, what the fuck did I just get revived to?" Wriggle questioned, scratching her head.
"Ok, I'm tired of all this pointless filler episode ahh yapping going on in here! Let's just start UNO already." Cirno demanded.
"I agree." Daiyousei agrid like Hagrid when Harry is wizard.
"Guys, I play UNO the same amount as I shower. Please go easy on me...!" Rumia begged, still glaring at Cirno because Rumia now had vegan allegations all over Twitter thanks to her.
"Yeah, like I did on your mom last night!" Cirno grinned while gremlin laughing.
"Wait, can you please let yours Finnish truly join the game?" Finnish Cirno requested.
"Nah, get your own game, Sirkku. I still haven't forgotten that time you smacked my ice sculpture down with a sauna stove!" Cirno fired an ice blast at Finnish Cirno, which caused that Finnish asshole to start moomin' before disintegrating.
"PERKELE!!!11!!!1 THAT WAS LITERALLY 50 YEARS AGO!!!!1!1!!!!1!!" Finnish Cirno cried and then died.
"Finally, I got my sweat revenge on that bitch, too!" Cirno celebrated.
"Are you just going to keep doing funky dance moves instead of playing UNO with us?" Daiyousei asked.
"Oh, shit." Cirno stopped dancing even though she was still a little funky and then began the UNO game.
YOU ARE READING
Dan make you (Touhou crackfic)
FanfictionBadly written fanfiction where Touhou characters do funni stuff (not really). Follow Cirno and friends as they commit several crimes! Except that's just what they already do in the games. BUT THIS TIME IT'S AT SCHOOL! Warning for excessive swearing...
