Alone

Chapter 10

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course!" Jenna answered.

"...What was your first doctors visit like? When you were pregnant with Jeremy?"

She hesitated for a moment. "Well, they do a lot of tests and exams. They take your blood, probably give you some prenatal vitamins, tell you which foods to stay away from, you know. The usual."

"Oh...uhm, does it hurt?" I asked nervously.

"Well, they do some pretty uncomfortable tests, but nothing really hurts." She smiled. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason. I-I was just curious." I answered quickly. "...How old are you?"

"Twenty-one. You?"

"Nineteen. So, when you had Jeremy, you were..."

"Twenty." She finished my sentence.

"Are you married?"

She chuckled to herself. "No. I'm not."

"Boyfriend?" I asked.

"If you must know..." She began. "...my boyfriend of three years got me pregnant. I wanted the baby, he didn't." I watched her, listening intently. "He left me before Jeremy was born."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. We're better off without him. He chose not to be a part of my son's life. And it kills me that my little boy will grow up without a daddy. That man may be his father, but he will never be his dad."

I watched Jenna as she gently bounced Jeremy in her lap. His big, brown eyes gazed up at her, grabbing a fistful of her long, blonde hair. She held him lovingly, looking down at him with her beautiful blue eyes. How such a young woman could go through what she went through alone, I will never understand.

"Jenna..."

She looked up at me, smiling sweetly.

"When you're in labor..." I looked at my hands in my lap, twiddling my thumbs. "What does it feel like?"

"Like being run over by a truck, quite honestly." She laughed, lightening the mood. I wondered how she could do it. How she could deal with her boyfriend running off, being pregnant, going into labor...all of it on her own. I don't understand how she is so...strong.

"But honey..." Her eyes met mine, growing serious once more. "When it's all over, when first you see the little baby you've waited so long to see, when you hold them for the very first time.....it makes everything worth it. The first time I looked into Jeremy's eyes...all the pain, all the sacrifice, all the hardships, all that I'd went through....I still would have given the world for him."

Too bad I won't be feeling that. I won't be letting myself get attached to this thing inside of me. I won't look. When I have the baby. I won't look at it. I won't hold it, hug it, kiss it. Because I know it'll break my heart. No. I refuse to love it.

Love is dangerous.

***

"So you just fold the straps over, like this-" I watched carefully as Jenna taught me the difficult task of changing a diaper. "...And then you're done!" She chirped, scooping up the tiny baby and kissing both of her plump cheeks. "That's it?"

"That's it."

I cleared my throat. "Excuse me for a minute..." I stepped away from the changing table, hurrying to the bathroom. As the nausea took over, my head spun faster. I closed the bathroom door, not bothering to turn on the lights. My back was pressed against the wall, and I slid down until I was sitting on the smooth, cold floor.