Final Approach (Aviación II) On-going

41

Drinks

It's hard to be so attached to things that's not yours to begin with. Ghosting is such an evil act to hurt someone. It may look so normal and casual but it's deeper than how people normally perceive it.

I did questioned myself because of it. I have a lot of questions.

Ang hirap maramdaman na hindi ka gusto ng taong gusto mo. It's hard to accept that i am giving more than what i had received.

Yung ikaw nalang palagi ang nagbibigay. You're the one always reaching out. Paano pag napagod na ako mawawala nalang lahat? Paano pag di ako kikilos dun nalang ba mapuputol ang lahat?

I dont know why i am suddenly trying to steady my breath as i walk towards my room. The hallway was quiet and dimmed mas lalo lang bumigat ang pakiramdam ko.

Everything is going to be okay— i will be okay. I should've been fine pero di ko inasahan na huminto sa paglalakad, a wave of an unfamiliar emotion i couldn't control began to rise in my chest. Pinikit ko ang aking mga mata at huminga ng malalim.

Pag hindi ako ang unang mangangamusta at magtetext dun nalang ba mapuputol lahat ng nasimulang ugnayan?

I am trying to hold it together, pero sa dami nang pumapasok sa aking isipan ay nadadala ako sa emosyon. All of these thoughts and feelings are unbearable.

My throat tightened, and before i could breathe and calm myself my tears started to fall—slow at first, then faster, like a river breaking free. I bit my lip trying to muffled my cries but my shoulders trembled with the weight of it all.

Bakit palagi nalang ganito?

Palaging ako ang nasasaktan?

In the midst of my emotional turmoil, i heard footsteps approaching pero napagod na ako at wala ng lakas para isipin pa iyon. Nakakahiya man na makita ako ng mga tao rito na ganito ang hitsura.

It seems like my body just needed the release, matagal kong pinilit na manahimik at hayaan nalang ang lahat but this brief moment my system finally let me feel everything, and yet, still feel empty inside.

"I didn't... I didn't think it would end like this. I never wanted to hurt you."

I suddenly feel so ashamed and vulnerable that i had to bury my face in my hands, can't stop crying to the point where my body shakes.

I feel so sorry for myself and this pain felt endless, a deep ache that i hadn't realized had been growing for so long. The more i try to be strong the more i've been digging deeper into more shame.

It is a shame to seek and beg someone to just pick me...choose me.

"What do you really want from me? Why are you still here?" bulong ko.

I wipe my tears with the back of my hand and sighed when i caught how he's looking down, avoiding my gaze, searching the ground as though he's seeking words and more excuses.

"I get it, Nicco. You only want me for fucking...and nothing more. You don't have to stand here and tell more lies—it's okay. You don't have to say it multiple times."

It's okay that he can't give me more. The silence stretches between us like an invisible wall. I waited for him to leave. I want him to leave for good.

Hindi okay na paglaruan mo ang isang tao pero mas lalong hindi okay na ipilit mo ang sarili sa taong pinaglalaruan ka lang. I guess men really think i am not good enough to love.

But who cares what men thinks anyway?

I looked down and took a deep breath. Thinking about what to do next after all of this. I can't stop working as a cabin crew no matter how my parents will cheer for it.

I can't leave my friends too. Hindi agad agad kasi paniguradong magtataka sila. What will happen after Nicco? I don't know. I wanna see what happens after all of this. Am i going to be free? I hope.

This will be the last time i'll chase a man. It will never happen again.

Saw how his hand clenches tighter, i had to look at him with more questions in my head. His face for some reason had a mix of regret and fear.

I will never let it happen again.

I smile at him for one last time no matter how drained i am. I smile at him as a friend. Ngumiti ako kahit nasasaktan. Ngumiti pa rin kahit na namumula ang mga mata kakaiyak.

I just think no matter how toxic we still deserve a proper good bye. A proper ending.

This will be the last time he'll ever see me smile.

The last time he'll see me cry.

I didn't say goodbye to him. He didn't deserve a piece of my pain. I just turned my back on him and went inside my room.

———

"Hi baby," Royce smirked as soon as he reached me. Niyakap ko siya at napangisi na lamang dahil sa kwento ni Dinara.

Medyo nagulat sila Dinara at Av dahil sa nasaksihan pero ngumisi na rin. Av faked a cough and pulled me closer to her.

"What?" I can't even hide my silly smiles while my friend here looked so worried. I heard this girl has an issue with Herve lately. Hindi na ako nakialam pa pero alam kong malungkot din to eh.

"Are you serious?"

"With what?"

"This!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Av."

"You're in a relationship?"

"Nope, he likes me but we are not in a relationship...yet?"

"So you're open?!"

"I don't know...seriously don't know." Natatawa kong sagot at sumimsim na sa hawak na cocktail.

"You're crazy..." nagaalala niyang bulong at umiling pa. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, i am okay, mom." I joked. Bumalik na ako sa bar counter at nakisama na sa biruan nila Dinara. Agad namang sumunod si Av at masama pa rin ang titig sa akin.

"You're really okay?" She whispered again.

"Yes, really okay." I smiled at her playfully. Parang di pa rin naniniwala ang kaibigan.

"And what about him...Nicco?" She whispered discreetly this time. Napatingin din tuloy ako sa lalakeng iyon na kasama sa table nila Nathan.

It seems like they're both civil now though. Sabagay ilang weeks din naman ako hindi na masyadong updated sa kanila.

"Yeah, we're all good. Don't worry,"

Wala namang magiging problema sa grupo kaya di kailangan na mamroblema sila Av tungkol sa amin ni Nicco.

"All good, Av." Ulit ko.

She looked at me with doubts in her eyes. "Really?"

"Yeah," I winked at her and even made a request with the bartender. "One vodka for Nicco." I turned to my friend and encircled her arm with mine.

"You bought him a drink?"

"Yeah?" I answered back confidently. "See? You don't have to worry about us."

I really did asked the waiter to give the glass to Nicco. Hindi ko na tinignan kung anong reaksyon niya at bumalik na sa tabi ni Royce.

———

I spent most of my time with Royce's circle of friends. We frequently travel together now too. In fact i am a professional in backpacking.