Betrayal

Chapter 18

Warren

I'm restless.

Rebecca is asleep beside of me. We made love not even a half hour ago. Make up sex for this afternoon with her parents... but I thought of Ali the entire time. It threatened to make me lose my hard on, but I managed to clear my mind just enough to fuck my wife and finish.

The guilt I feel runs deep. I stare at Rebecca's beautiful face. It's illuminated slightly by the soft light from the moon. This face I've been in love with for twenty years. The mother of my children. My wife. The person I've betrayed in the worst way. And with the worst possible person. I have to close my eyes at myself, as if I'm shielding me from me.

There's no diving underneath it, no way around it, nothing I can do to justify my actions. I've fucked someone else, kissed her, been inside of her. Even knowing how wrong it is, and feeling this guilt, I can't keep her off of my mind. Laying beside of Rebecca doesn't dim it. She's heavy on my mind, clawing at me, my desires begging to be satiated. Some sort of fire has started in my belly.

I haven't felt so alive and so anxious in years.

I roll away from Rebecca and grab my phone from the nightstand. I've been texted by no one and especially not by the person I had hoped would text me. She won't make any first moves. It's easy to tell. She's so shy and quiet, a timid girl, that I know I'll be the one to initiate all of our liaisons. She wants to be controlled. That's what she told me. And that's what I can do.

I've deleted all of our messages, I have to go to my contacts. She's under the letter A and nothing more. Not that Rebecca would ever go through my phone. I've never done anything to make her question me. I've never cheated.

I send her a single sentence:

Are you asleep?

The text bubbles appear quickly and I lie on my back and wait for her response.

A: No. I can't sleep.

Of course she can't. I haven't been able to either. Even after the sex I've just had, which usually wears me out and puts me right to sleep, I feel wide awake. I know it's because of her.

I try to come up with a plan. A late night ride on my bike. We can find a secluded stretch of beach, be alone, and I can fuck her. A sick feeling tries to take me over, but it only lasts for a moment.

I'm going to take a shower. Get dressed and meet me downstairs in twenty minutes.

I don't wait for her response because I'm already sure of what it'll be. I get out of bed. After I take a piss I get in the shower. I take a quick one, brush my teeth after, and dry my hair with the towel. Even though I run a brush through it and make an attempt to tame it, it doesn't do much.

I take a long look at myself in the mirror before I have to turn away. There it is again. That feeling of wanting to run away from myself. I've had it since the moment we kissed the first time. It doesn't seem to go away.

But I can't stop myself.

After I've pulled on a pair of jeans, a t shirt, and tennis shoes, I sit on the bed next to Rebecca. Ali has texted me back saying okay, then asking why she needs to get dressed. I don't respond.

I hesitate to wake Rebecca, but do it by shaking her gently. She stirs and looks up at me with sleepy eyes.

"What is it?"

I touch her face and sigh.

"I'm going to take my bike out for a drive."

She nods and tries to keep her eyes open.