Betrayal

Chapter 44

Ali

I'm rushing to get ready. Pulling my dress on, my shoes, brushing my teeth and drying my hair, and tripping over my cat while I do all of this. She keeps making figure eights through my legs and meowing at me.

"I'll get you some food," I mutter. "Just hold on."

When I've finished doing my makeup, I put food in her bowl and give her fresh water. I also water my plants and stare out the window. It's alive on the street. So much noise and traffic and people walking on the sidewalks. A stark difference to the other apartment.

I close my eyes as I think of him. There it is. Still holding a place in my mind. I wish he'd go away and leave my brain. It's been a year. I don't know why he's occupying space in my psyche.

Maybe because I used his money to rent this place. My little studio with a loft bed and good light during the day. Quiet neighbors for the most part. Down the hall, my neighbor has a baby that I can hear crying every so often. When I see her with him, I think of our baby. The ultrasound is tucked into one of my books, sitting on my shelves next to the fireplace. I should throw it away, but can't bring myself to.

That still hurts.

I check the time and hurry out the door. I'm supposed to meet Thomas at seven thirty in front of his building. It's seven now. He's a few blocks from me and I walk quickly.

We've only just started to really see each other. We exchanged numbers in February after class and have become fast friends. Shared a kiss or two when I've been tipsy on wine, but I'm not ready for anything else. I've told him that. He's been very understanding, though sometimes I know he wants more. It's easy to tell.

When I see him I smile. He's smoking a cigarette and tosses it aside.

"Hey."

"Hi."

As he reaches me he rests his hand to my face, leans in, and kisses me. I laugh, roll my eyes, then pull away.

"No love?"

I laugh again and shake my head.

"No love," I mutter. "Sorry."

He shrugs and rests his arm over my shoulders.

"Worth a shot. Let's go, let's go."

"Don't rush me. I was here on time."

"Eh, maybe."

"You live right above this pizza place and you were late."

He laughs sarcastically and pulls me gently. We begin to walk. A black car catches my eye and it's instantaneous. That sick, twisting, deep feeling as my stomach drops.

It's a Mercedes just like Warrens, sitting on the curb. I stop and stare at it, then quickly look around. My nerves stand on end. Is he here? Near me? The hair on the back of my neck stands up. It's as if I can feel him. He's close by. How can I still feel him? But I don't see him anywhere.

My mood immediately changes. I go from feeling happy to being anxious. It's been so long since I've seen his face. I think of him every day, at least once a day, but they're just passing thoughts. I'm waiting for that to stop like Katherine said it would. Hoping it will, at least. I'm tired of thinking of him. It usually makes me sick.

But to see him is different than having him in my head. I think it would fucking hurt me. It makes my stomach ache to think that he's somewhere close to me. I don't know what I would do. Probably cry. I've shut my emotions down pretty well, healed in some ways, but some things just can't seem to get better. I know I deserved better. I know I was to blame just as much as he was.