Betrayal

Chapter 36

I've been in and out of sleep. In and out of dreams. Crying, holding myself, and getting out of bed only to use the bathroom. I haven't eaten. I can't stomach the thought of it. I'm too sick. My insides are twisted.

Last night doesn't feel real. It hurts every time I think about him and everything he said to me. It feels as though I've been in some sort of accident. I can't cope. I don't know how to cope with this.

I force myself to sit up. The sun is beginning to come up. I can barely keep my eyes open. They're swollen and tender to the touch. I'm so tired. My head is throbbing.

I slowly take off the lingerie I had put on for him. I throw it into the corner. My things are in boxes, piled next to the dresser, and I walk slowly to them. I find the one with my clothes and rifle through it until I find a pair of pajama pants and a t shirt.

I sit back down on the bed and cry without warning. He's broken me. He did it so easily. he cried, but I don't think that matters. He still did it. He had to have known how much this would hurt me.

I can't stay here. I can't. How can I?

But how can I leave? I can't afford it. I've missed the deadline to apply for a dorm room. I can't even do that now. I'm stuck. And school starts in less than a month. I could see about getting my apartment back, but I'm sure it's been rented out already. My landlord was pissed at me for breaking my lease. I doubt he'd rent it to me again even if it's available. What the fuck am I going to do?

Panic begins to set in. It hits me right in the gut. I rush to the bathroom and barely make it to the toilet before I'm throwing up. I lay in the floor and cry and wrap my arms around myself. My body is shaking and I feel weaker than before. There's sweat on my brow that I try to wipe away. My hands are drawn up and I can't move my fingers very well. I rest my face against the cool tiles and take slow, deep breaths.

I have no strength. I can't move. I want to die. I've never loved anyone the way I love him. It fucking hurts. I didn't think I could hurt this much. I've had so much fucking pain in my life and this tops it all. Having my heart broken and being tossed aside like I'm nothing. He made me feel like I was something and now I'm back to nothing.

I can't do this. I can't. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Just forget everything that happened with us and move on? How do you move on when you still love someone like this? I've never done this before. I learned how to live without people when I was just a child, to not know or feel love, but now that I've felt it in such a deep, unrelenting way...

I'm unsteady when I manage to stand up. I brush my teeth and avoid looking at myself in the mirror, then go straight to bed. My heart races when I think of checking my phone. I want him to have texted or called me, but I know he hasn't. He wouldn't after all the things he said. He meant them.

My hands are shaking as I grab it. Nothing from him, but a lot of missed calls and texts from Lola. I didn't tell her I was coming back to the city. She's probably so worried about me. But what can I say to her? I can't invite her over and tell her I've been fucking her father and he's broken my heart. I can't even invite her over at all. She'll ask me questions about this apartment and how I can afford it or how I got it in the first place.

The thought of simply ending our friendship and going dark stings. It's my fault. Doing what I did with him is effecting more aspects of my life than just me. But I knew that. I knew the risks and did it anyway. Started with just sex, then it turned into love. And now I'm a heartbroken, used mistress who's been dumped by the only man I've ever loved.

I can't hold my eyes open. I slip in and out of sleep, dreaming of him. It jolts me awake. There's a consistent thought to harm myself. Just to relieve some of this pressure and pain and feel something else. Distract myself. I tell myself no. I can't, especially not after what he said to me. He's expecting me to do it. It's been months since I've hurt myself. I can't go back now no matter how deep and scorching this pain is.