Betrayal

Chapter 42

Ali

It's late. I take my Tylenol and ibuprofen and lay back down in bed. My cramps are low and aching. It's not as bad as I expected it to be. I could liken it to a rough period. It's mostly the emotional pain that's getting to me instead of the physical pain. I've cried off and on, but now I just feel exhausted.

He didn't show up. I didn't hear from him and I tried calling once, but couldn't get through to him. It didn't do much except make my stomach hurt and bring tears to my eyes. That feeling of disappointment. My hearts been too broken by him to break anymore. He's shattered it.

Katherine showed up instead, saying she had a feeling he wouldn't come. She stayed with me, talked me through it, and brought me back home after it was done. I wanted to be alone, so she left shortly after, but promised to check in on me.

The thought of him makes me feel sick. It feels as if my eyes have been opened somehow. Like I'm seeing him in a much different light. When he broke my heart and threw me aside, I held out hope. I love him, but love isn't enough. Love is killing me. He's going to kill me.

I've never felt so hurt by someone in my life. He said he would take me and be there with me. He didn't have to say that. He could've just agreed that Katherine should take me. I was given hope and he snatched it away. It's the first time he's lied to me, really. He always said he wouldn't leave his wife and I couldn't expect him to do that. He was open about still sleeping with her when we were fucking. Those weren't lies. This was.

I can't do it anymore. I'm going to let him go. Just thinking that makes me nauseous, but what choice do I have? I have to move on or this is certainly going to kill me. I've worked too hard to try to make something of myself, to set myself up to have a better life than what I was raised to have. He's not worth enough for me to give that up. No one is. I have so little self worth and self love, but I know he can't be worth that much.

He used me. It's sick and it's sad, but this... today... has made me accept it. He doesn't care about me. He's a married man who's working things out with his wife. I'm tired of destruction. I don't want to be that person anymore, holding out hope for a man who's married. I contributed to destroying a marriage and my friendships and myself. Too much destruction for one person to handle.

I expected too much. It's done now.

I'm going to move out of here and break this lease. He shouldn't be paying for me to live here. I don't know if he told Rebecca about this apartment, but it ties me to him. If they're fixing their marriage he shouldn't be doing that. The last thing I'll take from his is the money in that envelope. I'm going to move closer to school and see if I can afford something in Greenwich village, apply for housing, get a job, see what exactly I can do on my own.

He won't know where I am. I won't know how he's doing. That's the way it has to be. It's too hard for me any other way.

I don't want to think about it now. I don't want to think about him anymore. I never should've done this. I knew I was wrong. We were both wrong. I couldn't help myself. I got pulled in and I lost my head for pleasure and fell in too deep. It's my own fault. I was so stupid.

I roll over in bed and wrap my legs around my pillow. I hold onto it tightly. I can feel myself growing colder. Retreating back into myself, shutting off, turning back into who I was before him. I was a better person then even if I was extremely closed off. I hadn't hurt anyone except for myself. I never wanted to hurt anyone.

I lost myself in him. I'm tired. It's enough.

The ultrasound is sitting on the nightstand. I was given another one. I had to listen to the heartbeat and make my decision to go through with it. That about killed me and I nearly backed out.

I turned to reality. He didn't even show up to take me to the appointment. How would he have shown up if I for some reason decided to keep our child? He asked me if I wanted it, said he would help me. How? By sending money? Things? He would've been an absent father, I'm sure, because how could he be there for an illegitimate child? I didn't have a father and I won't raise my child without one. He made it easy for me to decide.

I put the ultrasound in the nightstand, then lie on my back and stare at the ceiling. I'm so tired of crying. I can't cry anymore. I'm tired of hurting. I trusted him and he's flat out broken me down into nothing.

I'm done being hurt and I'm done hurting people.

...

This is an extremely short chapter because I'm going to do a time jump after this.