WITHOUT YOU ||Vmin ff

CHAPTER 19

After new year's we spent the next week and a half together, doing the things that young couples did back then, though from time to time he seemed tired and listless. We spent time down by the river, tossing stones in the water, watching the ripples while we talked, or we went to the beach. Even though it was winter, the ocean the colour of iron, it was something that both of us enjoyed doing. After an hour or so jimin would ask me to take him home, and we'd hold hands in car. Sometimes, it seemed, he would almost nod off before we even got home, while other times he would keep up a stream of chatter all the way back so that I could barely get a word in edgewise.

Of course spending time with jimin also mean doing the thing he enjoyed as well so I wouldn't go to his study class I didn't want to look like an idiot in front of him we did visit the orphanage twice or more, and each time we went there I felt more at home once, though, we'd had to leave early, because he was running a slight fever even toy untrained eyes, it was clear that his face was flushed.

We kissed again, too though not every time we were together, and I did not even think of trying to make it to second base. There wasn't any need to. There was something nice when I kissed him , something gentle and right, and that was enough for me. The more i did it l, the more i relized that jimin had been misunderstood his entire life, not only by me, but by everyone.

Jimin wasn't someone who read books and did his best to help others. Jimin was also a seventeen years old boy with the same hopes and doubts that I had. At least, that's what I assumed, until she finally told me.

I was walking him home on the Saturday before school started up again, a day blustery with a fierce, biting wind, a nor'easter had been blowing in since the previous morning, and while we walked we'd had to stand close to eachother to stay warm. Jimin had his arm looped though mine, and we were walking slowly, even more slowly than usual, and i could tell he wasn't feeling well again.

He was quite as we walked, I knew that he was thinking of a way to tell me something. I didn't expect him to start a conversation as he did.

"People think i'm strange, don't that," he finally said, breaking the silence.
"Who do you mean?" I asked, even though I knew the answer.
"People at school."
"No, that don't," i lied.

I kissed his cheek as i squeezed his arm a little tighter to me. He winced, i could tell that i'd hurt him somehow.

"Are you okay?" I asked, concerned.
"I'm fine," he said, regaining his composure and keeping the subject on track. "Will you do me a favour, though?"
"Anything," i said.
" Will you promise to tell me tha truth from now on? I mean always?"
" Sure," I said.

He stopped me suddenly and looked right at me.
" Are you lying to me right now?"
"No," I said defensively, wondering where this was going. "I promise that from the now on, I'll always tell you the truth."

Somehow, when I said it, I knew that I'd come to regret it.

We started walking again. As we moved down the street , i glanced at his hand , which was looped through mine, and I saw a large bruise just below his ring finger. i had no idea where it had come from, since it hadn't been there the day before. For a second i thought it might have been caused by me, but then I realized that hadn't even touched him there.

"People think I'm strange, don't they?" He asked again.
My breath was coming out in little puff.
"Yes," i finally answered. It hurt me to say it.
"Why,? He looked almost despondent.
I thought about it. "People have different reasons,"
I said vaguely, doing my best not to go any further.
"But why exactly? Is it because I don't match with them?or is it because I try to be nice to people?"
I didn't want anything to do with this.
"I suppose," was all I could say. I felt a little queasy.
Jimin seemed disheartened, and we walked a little further in silence.

"Do you think I'm strange, too?" He asked me.
The way he said it it made me ache me more than i thought it would. We were almost at his house before i stopped him and held him close to me. I kissed him, and when we pulled apart, he looked down at ground.

I put my finger beneath his chin, lifting his head up and making him look at me again. " You're a wonderful person, jimin. You're beautiful, you're kind, you're gentle. . . . You're everything that I'd like to be. If people don't like yo, or they think you're strange, then that's their problem."

In the greyish glow of a cold winter day, i could see his lips begin to tremble. Mine was doing the same thing, and i suddenly realized that my heart was speeding up as well. I looked in his eyes, smiling with all the feelings i could muster, knowing that i couldn't keep the words inside any longer.

"I love you, jimin," i said to him. " You're the best thing that ever happened to me."
It was the first time I'd said the words to another person beside member of me immediate family. When I'd imagined saying it to someone else, I'd somehow thought it would be hard, but it wasn't I'd never been more sure of anything.

As soon as I said the words, though, jimin bowed his head and stared to cry, leaning his body into mine. I wrapped my arm around him, wondering what was wrong. He was thin, i relized for the first time that my arm went all the way around him. He'd lost weight, even in the last week and a half, and i remembered that he'd barely touched his food earlier. He kept crying into my chest for what seemed like a long time. I wasn't sure what to think or even if he felt the same way I did. Even so, i didn't regret the words. The truth is always the truth, and i promised him that i would never lie again.

"Please don't say that," he said to me. "Please. . ."
"But I do," I said, thinking he didn't believe me.
He began to cry even harder. "I'm sorry," he whispered to me through his ragged sobs. "I'm so, so sorry. . . ."
My throat suddenly went dry.
"Why're you sorry?" I asked suddenly desperate to understand what was bothering him. "Is it because of my friend and what they'll say? I don't care anymore i really don't." I was reaching for anything, confused and, yes scared.

It took another long moment for him to stop crying, and in time he looked up at me. He kissed me gently, almost like a breath of a passerby on a city street, then his finger over my cheek.

"You can't be in love with me, Taehyung," he said through red and swollen eyes. "We can be friends, we can see eachother. . . But you can't love me."
"Why not?" I shouted hoarsely, not understanding any of this.
" Because," he finally said softly, " I'm very sick, Taehyung."

The concept was so absolutely foreign that i couldn't comprehend what he was trying to say.
" So what? You'll take a few days. . ."
A sad smile crossed his face, and I knew right then what he was trying to tell me. His eyes never left mine as he finally said the words that numbed
my soul.

"I'm dying, Taehyung."