Nevermind (Sara Bareilles and Javier Dunn)

Untitled Part 52

"I always thought love would be like a fairytale. I thought it would be all roses, fancy dates, heart eyes all the time. And that's exactly what it was at first. And that's still what it is later on, if you think about it hard enough. But love is also being torn apart, being betrayed, hurt, mad, and every other emotion you can think of. Love isn't like a fairytale, and I discovered that before this. But it didn't feel like this. It didn't feel like being burned to death and being brought back to life at the same time. It didn't feel like being scared the whole way through, but also not being able to resist anything. I wasn't as in love, so looking back, the bad parts weren't as bad and the good parts weren't as important. I don't completely understand how I even feel... but that's when you know it's real. Are you even supposed to understand it when you're in love? You can get the big picture, but can you understand the heartbreak, the cycle of back-and-forth 'I hate you, I love you?' And can you understand the little shit, like taking ugly pictures together and dancing in the rain because you just want to be with each other? You can't describe it....." 

Sara sat at her piano, thinking hard. She had been writing all day, and this wasn't how she normally wrote, but she had dumped every thought she had about love onto paper, and it felt so good. So many questions, feelings, words... and now it was all out there. Love made you do things you normally wouldn't.

She glanced at the song she had written that morning. It was rough, but it was something, and as she sang she felt it. Like she was bringing everything back but letting it go at the same time. 

"Hey." Sara jumped and turned around, trying to cover up the papers, which fell onto the floor. Just her luck. Javier was standing in the doorway. 

"Oh, hey. I was just working on some stuff..." About him. "How long have you been here?" 

"Long enough to hear your beautiful voice." 

Sara smiled. "Oh." 

Javier walked over to the bench where Sara was sitting, the sun coming in through the windows and illuminating his eyes and skin, making him look like he was made of it. Which he was. 

But Sara felt the fear creeping in again. She had pushed it down, told herself it was okay, they'd be okay, but she realized she still didn't fully believe it. Would she ever? He was sunshine... but wasn't the sun also a ball of fire? If you got too close, you'd be burned. But in the same way a little kid would want to touch the sun, Sara still couldn't resist. She was scared but weak for him at the same time, and she didn't know which one she was more of. 

He sat down beside her, their bodies touching closely on the small piano bench. He leaned in to kiss her, and Sara didn't pull away. She felt her heart flutter at his kiss like it had so many times. At least one thing was predictable. They pulled away and Sara looked at him silently, not knowing what to say. He put his arm around her. 

"I missed you," he said. 

Sara looked up at him and smiled. "Mmhmm." She was sure those were the best three words. Except for the other three. She thought about those three words, and how, right now, they were for only her. Hopefully. Probably. 

Javier looked at her, sensing she felt weird. "You okay? You mad at me? You're acting different."

"No. Why would I be?" Sara asked. 

"I don't know. What's wrong?" Sara wondered whether it was a good thing or not that he could read her so easily. 

She let out a little laugh. "I'm good." She kissed his cheek. "See? I'm not mad at you." 

"Okay..." He glanced down at the lyrics Sara had written. "Anything good?" 

"Uh, yeah, I think so." She grabbed the papers and quickly put them in a desk drawer. He couldn't see them. It would screw everything up.