Burn the light

Chapter 12

So grateful for all of you.

Please like and comment if you like the book so far. It is always motivating for a writer to know that their book is read and appreciated. 

Love,

Also... Happy Birthday to me.

☆☆☆

I have never wanted to appear more than I am in front of people. I have not wished for more intellectuality or beauty. But one thing I have always wished for was for someone to see me as I am and still want to stay by my side. Because the ones who saw me as my truest self, my parents, never did. And when the people that are supposed to love you and care for you decide to turn their back on you, you start to realize you might be the problem.

Eiran seems to read me. His gaze makes you feel like you are bare in front of him. Everything you hide, everything you wish to go away, he seems to see it. And if he still cares for me, for our friendship, after seeing me as I am, unable to find a job, not smart enough, not good enough, then maybe a part of me deserves to know what affection feels like.

I have friends. I have Samuel and Matthew and I love them more than anything. And even if they know in some way what I am going through, there are parts of me that they don't see and will probably never see. Things that leave me vulnerable. Things that break me inside. Things so deep I try to avoid because if I venture too much into myself and acknowledge the memories they will drown me.

I take a step outside. Bribes of conversation can be heard in Spanish but as soon as he sees me, he hangs up the phone.

I take careful steps towards him. He takes in my appearance, looking a little bit longer at my face. When I am a meter away from him, I stop and turn to face the land.

The leaves have still not returned to the trees. Rain hits the ground forcefully.

"How are you feeling?" Eiran asks me.

Horrible.

I am tempted to reply that I am fine, but today I can't lie about this. The lie won't leave my mouth. And even if I do, he will see through it.

"Has Hayes told you anything?" I ask, hesitant.

Should I tell him everything from the beginning? Would he even care about that much?

"Not much." I can still feel his gaze on me.

I am relieved that Hayes has not said anything. I knew I could trust him but there was still a small part inside me that was afraid he would talk.

Would he find me worthless after this conversation? After I tell him that I am homeless.

But Eiran has always been able to figure me out. To his eyes, I am an open book, with its whole story written on paper. It could have been as if my thoughts were written all over my face.

How cruel it was that I was so expressive to his eyes but he was impossible to read.

"You figured it out?" I ask.

I guess my suitcases were an easy clue to understand the whole story. Even Alessio understood that I might need to crash for more than one night. But how did he figure it out? Hayes' first thought was that I was going on a trip.

"I would still like for you to explain."

I owned him that much.

"I am homeless."

I am exhausted trying to justify myself as if it would change a thing. I have done well in school and I have applied to many jobs but the result at the end is the same. I am jobless and homeless and no justification will make this sound less lamentable than it is.

Moreover, I do not have the strength to go into details. I have hidden my complicated situation to everyone including my best friends for months and in less than twenty four hours I have talked way too much about it.

Eiran steps in front of me. I put my head down to not look at him. He might know my situation but I do not want him to know the extent of how I feel. But he puts the tips of his fingers under my chin and lifts it slightly so I have no other choice than to look at him.

And for a moment I do not think about our conversation but the fact that he is touching me. It feels like time stops for a while. It feels like my whole world stopped to concentrate on him, on this moment. He is touching me. It is such a simple, tender gesture, but this touch alone could be my salvation.

And I wish so deeply in that instant that he can't read me like an open book because I don't want him to see in my eyes feelings I have yet to comprehend.

His gaze does not move. He looks at me intensely.

And if it was not for the wall behind me, I would have taken a step back to escape the intensity of it all.

"Aether?"

I have been so immersed in his eyes and his touch that I forgot to use my other senses.

"Why haven't you told me sooner?" He repeats his question, his voice calm.

I look away, to the grey clouds and the relentless rain.

"Don't you trust me?" he asks and for a moment his mask falls. He looks... perturbed.

"I do trust you."

"Then why haven't you told me?" he inquires. "Do you..." he sighs. "Do you not consider me as more than a stranger?"

For weeks, I have thought about this moment. The moment where he will know what is happening to me. And those thoughts frightened me because I do not want our friendship to end. I don't want my escape to reality to disappear.

"It's not like that." I reply.

"Then why didn't you confide in me?"

"Because I was ashamed." I say a little bit louder than I intended to. I get out of his hold and walk a bit, facing away from him. "I was ashamed of my situation and I was scared."

"Of what?"

"Of you seeing me for who I really am." I glance at him from the side of my eyes as I can feel him getting closer to me.

"Meaning?"

A failure. Someone who is not worthy of attention. Someone who is not worthy of his attention. I do not want to say those words out loud. Eiran sighs and our eyes catch. I do not look away.

"Don't be too hard on yourself." he says. Does this mean that he does not judge me and that he thinks that I should not judge myself either? "The way you feel and the way you act is what defines you. Not your career or what you own. And I am not ashamed of knowing you. Not knowing you would be the greatest disgrace."

For once, it is not tears of sadness or anxiety or desperation that are brought to my eyes. They are tears of relief.

Relief that he does not see me as I thought he would. Relief that our friendship does not come to an end.

Relief to know him because what a privilege it is to be acquainted with him.

What a relief to not close this book. Because he is the story I want to lose myself in the most.

"I was so afraid you would not want to be my friend anymore." I admit, my voice shaking.

He lifts a hand toward my face and gently takes away the tears before applying a kiss at the top of my head.

"If you want an end to this, you will have to be the one ending it." he says.