Burn the light

Chapter 21

For a few days now, I have found refuge in their library. Alessio would come from time to time, sitting on one of the couches and working for a few hours. Eiran would come too, to retrieve a book before exiting. But they never see me, or if they do, they never make it seem like it.

It is late in the afternoon, I am sitting on the ground, behind shelves, against the far end wall. I could have sat in one of the couches but... I want to disappear. A book is open, on a random page I don't even remember reading. I have trouble reading lately. I have trouble doing anything other than over thinking. And unfortunately, there are no happy thoughts.

I have once again received rejection emails from jobs I have applied to; Alessio is apparently thinking I might play a game; Hayes is still on a business trip and it has been more than two weeks we haven't talked. I sent him a text two days after he left, asking him if he was doing okay. He replied positively and since then... nothing; And Eiran... whatever silence lingers between us is entirely my fault. If I had not told him I might be falling in love with him, he wouldn't have become distant.

It seems like whatever I do, it turns to misery.

Happy exclamations echo and I lift my head in the direction of the door, even if I can't see it and am far away from it. I wonder why they are joyous, the happiness is a stark contrast to the silence that has filled the house lately. And then I hear it... Hayes' voice.

I stand up abruptly, instinctively a smile forms on my face. I take a step forward, ready to exit the library, and hug him, happy to see him after days of not seeing or hearing from him. Before I remember I indeed haven't heard from him for days and I don't know what is the status of our relationship at the moment. And so, I sit back on the ground, next to my open book and try not to focus on the chatter outside, which is now quieter.

I hate how I am feeling right now. How empty and lost I can be. I hate not being able to control my thoughts and how they always spiral in cycles of happiness, hope, fear and then misery. That is perhaps what is making it worse. Feeling miserable after having a few moments of peace and happiness.

The door to the library opens before closing. I don't move as I can hear footsteps entering. It is probably Eiran who comes to take another book or Alessio who is going to sit on the couch and fill the silence with the sounds of his laptop's keyboards.

But the footsteps approach, closer to where I am. I look up, waiting. And then Hayes' figure stops in front of me. I don't look away, even if my neck starts to ache because of my sitting position and his height. I just look at his face, re-familiarizing with the features I haven't seen for days.

We stay in silence, just looking at each other until he squats down and sits next to me.

"Hayes... I—" I don't know what to say right now. I don't even know why it seems like distance has increased between us since our last conversation. But I just need my friend right now. "Did I do something wrong?" I finally settle on, because if I did something wrong, I would apologize right away, I want our friendship back. I need our friendship back.

I am in the process of saying that to him but the words are lost when he turns toward me, puts his hands on my back and gets me towards his chest, hugging me.

And for a moment, I forget about everything else. For a moment, I feel peaceful as if my problems have just disappeared. That is until he stops the hug. Then all feelings come back and I wish I could have stayed in his arms a little more.

"How was your trip?" I ask when he lets his back rest on the wall behind us.

"Long. Too long."

I only nod. I do not know what to say. I feel like our friendship went on break three weeks ago, before his trip. And now I am unsure if it can go back to where it was, I am unsure if he even wants to.