Ungullible

Chapter 14: Confusion

Confusion refers to a state of being uncertain or unclear about something. It can occur when you don't understand something, or when things seem mixed up, unclear, or difficult to make sense of. It can also describe a mental state where a person feels disoriented or unable to think clearly due to a lack of understanding or conflicting information. For example: Emotional confusion: Feeling uncertain about your feelings toward someone or something. Mental confusion: Being unsure of the facts or unable to make a decision because of too many conflicting ideas. It can also describe a situation where things are chaotic, mixed-up, or unclear.

"Why didn't you tell me?" His voice cracked with frustration. "I could've helped. Why didn't you tell me?"

I swallowed hard, the question hanging in the air between us. What could he have done? What could anyone have done to take away the weight of the memories, to stop the memories from surfacing every time I was near the ocean? Stop the memories from haunting me. The longing in my heart felt endless. What could anyone say or do to make it go away? To stop me from aching for her? What could anyone do to fill the hole she left behind? I didn't have the words.

"I don't know, okay? I just don't know," I muttered my voice breaking, feeling the weight of my confusion press against my chest.

"Don't you trust me, Novia?" Jason's voice trembled with hurt, as if my hesitation had cut him deeper than I realized and the question hung in the air, heavy and raw

"I do... I just... I don't know," I stammered trying to explain the mess in my mind, but the words wouldn't come out right. I understood why I didn't want to tell him, but my mouth was too tight to say it, it felt impossible to speak out loud

"We're friends," he said softly, but firmly. "We're supposed to stick together. I want you to feel like you can tell me anything, Novia...We help each other. I want to be here for you. I really want you to feel like you can tell me stuff without hiding away"

I fell silent, turning my back to him, unsure why I couldn't face him. His words hurt in a way I wasn't ready to admit. I didn't want him to see the way his words were getting to me, the way they cut through the walls I'd built around myself. I could feel it sinking in, stirring something deep inside me. Why couldn't I find the courage to speak up and just tell him?, Why didn't I want him to see the pain I was holding inside?, Why was it so hard to just speak the truth?, Why couldn't I let him in?, Why couldn't I explain what I was feeling?

"Is this how it's going to be?" His voice held a mixture of sadness and frustration, and it only made the weight in my chest feel heavier. I felt like I was being crushed under the weight of his words.

I wanted to explain. I wanted to tell him everything, but my thoughts felt jumbled, and I couldn't get the words out. I was facing the other way, but inside, I was struggling, banging and clawing at the walls, desperately wanting to break free from the pain I'd been holding and was building around myself.

"I'm not giving up on you, Novie," he said determination in his voice. Then, before I could protest his hands reached for me, gently pulling me into his arms.

I lost control then. The tears I hadn't even realized I was holding back poured out, and I cried, shaking in his embrace. His warmth surrounded me, offering a safety I hadn't known I needed. For the first time in so long, I felt like I could let go of everything I'd been holding inside. The walls that had kept me locked inside crumbled, and I cried until I didn't know if I was crying for the past or for the release of it all. He held me close, comforting me without a word. Slowly, the walls I'd built up around my heart began to shatter, piece by piece. 

At that moment, everything shifted. A feeling I hadn't wanted to acknowledge settled inside me; something Jason had given, though I wasn't sure how to name it. When I finally pulled away from his comforting embrace, I found myself sitting next to him on the ground, a quiet sense of peace washing over me that I hadn't felt in ages. I inhaled deeply, my chest tightening for a moment before I spoke.