I HAVE TO PUT ON A FACADE—
louder than my grief,
sharper than my tenderness—
and pretend I am ANGRIER with the creator
than I am with her.
But God,
I am upset with her.
In more ways than I can even say.
More than I have the courage to admit.
More than I can let slip through
shaking hands or clenched teeth.
But how can I be upset with someone
I still love?
How can I curse the very name
that I still whisper
into my pillow when I think no one hears?
How can I curse the very face that I still see every single day?
Who now shows up in music that I once loved.
Screw me.
How?
It makes no sense.
NONE AT ALL.
I tell myself,
I understand her.
I do.
Better than I've understood anyone.
Better than I've understood myself.
She did what she had to.
She left in ways I didn't expect,
or maybe I did
but buried the knowing
under hope I shouldn't have had.
And yet—
The ache does not care for logic.
The wound does not heal
just because I've mapped her reasons.
Pain doesn't bow to understanding.
I want to scream at her,
but I want to hold her too.
I want to forget,
but my mind replays every moment
like it's trying to undo the ending.
I AM UPSET
but I cannot scream.
I cannot show it.
I must make it seem like it's not her fault.
Like it's the creator.
Like it's fate.
Like it's some other name I can safely hate
without breaking.
But inside—
inside I am breaking anyway.
I love her.
And I am upset.
And I do not know
what to do
with this impossible, endless
both.
12/27/2025
why am I so unstable/mercurial?
