Fluff & smut oneshots (Frerard, Pikey/Petekey, MCR comfort)

Alive to say the most..

⚠️TW MENTION OF SUICIDE AND ATTEMPTED SUICIDE (KNIFE), DISSOCIATION AND RELAPSE (CUTTING; BLADE)⚠️
(I don't know what is a trigger and what isn't for people so I am just putting some just incase.)

Hi everyone, I figured should atleast let you all know I am alive. Not great, but alive to say the most. What happened back there was a lot. Week's been rough despite not even having the pressure of not posting (if you don't know I have a schedule to atleast post once a week). That night I really thought I was gonna end myself and was most definitely planning to. The thought of knowing that I was gonna go to bed that night before sneaking out knowing I'll never come back didn't even sound bad anymore, almost like it was right. I texted my online friends saying I was probably going to commit suicide which none of them responded but I don't blame them also because we all have different time zones. I scrolled through all my contacts, knowing none of these people would know what to say or do and just make me feel worse and/or more alone. It was so bad I texted someone I barely ever meet with/see or talk to because I felt they were the most mature person I've met but they are also super busy and stuff with their own life, yet (luckily?) they responded. I told them about how I needed help/advice and life stuff and we planned to meet the next day.

I won't go into detail, but after that day, I took a lot of time to process it. And I did. I thought I got better, which I did for a day, then I fucked up the next. This entire week has just been filled with spiralling, crying, stressing, paranoia/and dissociating, relapsing, attempting to reach out/begging but instead just getting worse or pushing people away, triggers and/or random mental breakdowns and so much more and just a blur in general. Basically at first I was like okay there's a lot to take in and think about but very deep conversations (which was good), but now I don't know why I'm getting bad again. Maybe cause I hate that I have to make a choice, and none of them are good. Or maybe it's cause deep down I still feel like a kid and therefore feel I shouldn't try to help cause I'll just make it worse. It's who I am unfortunately, cause I really do fuck everything up. For myself and the people around me. Or maybe cause I feel I'm probably just overreacting again or that it's just nothing more than some small thing that happens in life, and that really I am fine (denial).

I won't type some shitty long ass vent cause I'm not here to gain pity, but basically I just felt I shouldn't worry you all so much. I am trying to push myself to write again even though it's already hard enough to distract myself and I can't tell the difference between my mental health being rock bottom and being in writers block at this point. I've never gotten this bad. I picked up the blade again, and I couldn't help but start cutting. I swore the last time I said "okay just this once and I'm never doing it again" was a day after my birthday (which was this month aka march) and that day was the day I picked up a blade after 1-2 years of being clean. It was just suppose to be some small thing at first, then it got worse, and I can't help but feel the need to make it a daily thing now (I promise I'm trying not to). I also almost killed myself like a day or two ago. If ur wondering how close I was to doing it, I will just say the knife was already travelling up my chest to exactly where the heart is located and I just started pressing/pushing it more and more while gripping the knife tightly, but don't worry I eventually got annoyed that I just couldn't think and put it back.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I am sorry to anyone who looks forward to my weekly posts and that this is some stupid depressing shit instead of a frerard or petekey oneshot. And I don't know if I did, but just incase, I am sorry if I worried anybody. I will try to get myself back up and start writing again soon. Sorry again.

Also replying to @_B0YD1VISI0N

⚠️TW THIS HAS MENTIONS OF PEDOPHILES, SUICIDE, RELAPSE, BEING RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL(I have no idea if that's a trigger. Sorry.) ⚠️

Thank you for your concern, I am alive. I am aware suicide isn't the right thing to do, but it just felt and still does feel like the only way out. I can't keep living like this. And as much as l'd like to thank you for trying I know full well there really aren't people who love or support me. I am surrounded by guilt trippers, pedophiles, and friends who didn't care the amount of times I sent my suicide letter or said I was gonna do it or that I relapsed (I spam called and texted them and nobody answered or cared to ask what happened). I also got scolded by everyone and my friends didn't care for shit when I was rushed to A&E (emergencies and accidents; in the hospital) and forced to go to school the next day with wires and a monitor attached to me like nothing happened. My friends also didn't care when I went for surgery. I have gotten therapy before and it just drained me even more and people around me are aware/do notice l'm doing horrible, they just don't care enough to do anything or just brush it off cause think I'm fine/handling it well or that I really won't kill myself. That's just a small list of it, so I'll try to keep it short.

Ps: my friends aren't particularly "bad", they just aren't good at serious topics like mental health and feelings etc. and mostly also just think I won't actually do anything anyways.