To Live Again: In her Hands {Lord of the Rings / Thranduil fanfic}

1. Because it was Real

A/N Set the night Thranduil returns from the healing halls with a gift for Clara. A little taster for you Raider-k - i'll follow up with your request next chapter. This is just a little sample to see if it works.
**********************************

"I would suggest you take it slowly my lord, your muscles are wasted...it will take some time to build up your stamina...gentle runs, minor resistance...NO combat, healers orders!"

I nod, I smile, I look completely interested in his conversation. If Calanon believes for one second I am even remotely paying attention, he would be even more inept than I had initially imagined. I am a parent - falling asleep whilst standing up is an art you develop rather quickly. Especially when your precious little bundle refuses to sleep...or even just be still for a moment.

Ai! A moment...Eru knows how much I would give for just a moments peace. Not from my son of course, oh Valar no! I'd rather spend my days with him than be bothered listening to this...what was the word she used...ee-jit? Huh...what a bizarre dialect? Bizarre, but fascinating...she is a riddle.

A beautiful riddle. A distractingly beautiful riddle!

I flinch slightly as my mind conjures her up, almost tauntingly. I loathe, and yet love, that I cannot erase her from my thoughts. I shouldn't care, I shouldn't entertain her...this is wrong! It is not right, I was joined before, I can't feel this way. Oh, why must she enter my life now? A century ago and I would never have gave it a second thought...but then again, I never cared much before. In my pride I probably would have overlooked her; too caught up in my own self importance to notice truly beautiful things. It is ironic how physical beauty becomes fleeting when you no longer have it to flaunt.

No, I am afraid there would never have been a right time to meet her. I am not blessed with fortunate luck in love, and I suppose this is just another stark reminder of such misfortune.

Ah, but she is sweet. And alone! She shouldn't be alone. But she mistrusts me, and I suppose I would be suspicious of the over kindness of a stranger too. But she doesn't realise what she has done, she couldn't know how she has helped me. To have my son back, to fix what I thought was impossible to achieve on my own...I cannot ever repay her.

Just to see my boy smile in her presence cripples my heart. She gives him what I took away from him - what I wasn't strong or good enough to provide him with. The most important right and greatest need he could have - a maternal love - and I failed to ensure he had even that. Yet, she provides it, and I do not ever want to take that from him. If I loved her, I would only jeopardise his happiness...and I have done that enough!

"My lord?

"Hmm?"

I snap my head up to meet the healer's questioning gaze, and silently berate myself for daydreaming. Calanon graces me with a bashful look, as he pushes a parcel wrapped in brown paper towards me. I tentatively take it, turning it over in my hand, before frowning - honestly I cannot stand dithering idiots.

"It is paint...for Clara...the elleth you hired." He reminds me, and I scowl.

"I know who she is, what is this to do with me?"

"Well, it is a gift and I was wondering, if it wasn't too much trouble...could you leave it for her?" He asks me cautiously, before bowing his head; "It is just I care for her wellbeing, I believe it will be good for her to do what she loves...and I am so busy I-"

"No it is fine!" I cut in a little too enthusiastically, and I cringe at my voice. "I mean...I understand...its hardly a trouble. I shall leave it with Raffyn when I return."

With that said I limp out of the healer's office, with barely an audible farewell. I hate healing halls.

Admittedly I have no intention of giving this parcel to Raffyn. I intend on hand delivering it myself. It is the perfect excuse for me to mend this ridiculous notion she has - that I some how mean her ill will. I also just want - no I need - to see her again.