Illicit [Harry Styles]

Chapter 36

I didn't even watch Harry leave, I just stared at the floor and tried to stop my chest from heaving.

How dare he? How dare he do that and then expect me to sit back and let him call me 'baby' like it's all okay. Abusive was what he was. Treating someone like that and then expecting them to forgive and forget in a matter of seconds just by the use of a stupid pet name was abusive. I believed he would never physically hurt me, but he made up for that in all the emotional hurt he would cause.

The front door slamming — indicating Harry was gone — was what pulled me back into the harsh reality. I didn't want to look up at Liam in front of me in fear of what I might see — how he'd taken it. My cheeks were still covered in tears, and a few were caught in my eyelashes making my vision blurry.

"Jess?" his weak voice spoke out, and ultimately I straightened up to look at him. He looked upset but he wasn't crying, he didn't seem to be angry, I could tell by his body language that he was just as exhausted as I was — his shoulders were slumped and he just stood before me looking... disappointed.

"I'm so sorry," I breathed, holding a certain emptiness in every way possible.

"Tell me what happened, Jess. I need to hear this from you."

"I ca— I can't... I don't want to say it out loud, because then it becomes real," I admitted shakily.

"How long? How long have you been sleeping with him?" he asked exasperatedly.

"I haven't!" I was quick to defend myself. "I haven't— he... I never let him touch me. I know that doesn't make it better but I wouldn't let him do anything like that while I was still with you. But... two months."

He nodded slightly and we just stood in silence, neither of us knowing what to say.

"I'm sorry, Liam," I blurted out in a cry, "I'm a selfish bítch and what I did to you was unforgivable. I know I can never expect you to forgive me but I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"It's okay?" I repeated, slightly shocked at how collected he was being.

"It's okay, Jess. Well... it's not... but what's done is done."

"You're not gonna cry or yell or something? You're just gonna come out with 'it's okay'?"

"Of course I'm upset — I'm absolutely heartbroken, but what's the point in getting angry and acting out? It's done, there's nothing either of us can do now. You can't help who you fall in love with," he shrugged sadly.

"I don't love him," I shook my head firmly. "I know you won't believe me but I don't. I love you, just not in the way I should."

"Okay, Jess," he forced a smile to comfort me, and I knew he didn't believe me that I don't love Harry. To him it would make no sense that I'd go behind his back with someone else if I didn't really feel passionately about them, but it's just not like that. I don't love Harry.

"I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry you had to hear it like that. You deserve so much better, Liam, you deserve someone who's going to love you with everything they've got and never stop loving you until they day they die, and I'm sorry that person isn't me."

He offered me a meek smile and I had to bite back the rest of the tears. I hated myself for what I'd done, and I hated even more that it was Liam I'd hurt, because he really didn't deserve it and definitely would've never expected it to happen because he tries to see the best in everyone, and sometimes that positive outlook blinds him.

"Don't let him give you any shít, Jess. You hear me? I know what guys like him are capable of, and I think you do too, so don't let him hurt you. You stand up for yourself, okay?" His hand reached out to caress my cheek and I squeezed my eyes shut as I nodded and held his wrist, the tears that fell over the edge were ice cold against my hot cheek having been sat in my eyelashes for a while. "I'll always be here for you want to talk about anything, even if it's him, okay?"