Illicit [Harry Styles]

Chapter 81

My heart thudded beneath my ribcage and I could feel my blood rushing around my body carrying my heartbeat to my ears and deafening me. 

This was the first time I was to see Harry since the trial. It had been a week - I wasn't allowed to see him any sooner and my entire being ached terribly for him. It hurt me so much to think of him in prison for even a day, let alone three whole years. What would happen to him in there? He had worked so hard on himself for the entire time I'd known him and he was finally accepting of who he was, he had turned his life around and fought for happiness for so long, but would this be destroyed now? How could he be expected to be positive and love himself when this was his future? 

For over one thousand days he will wake up in a cold, dingy cell all alone, he'll endure a long and painful day of nothingness - left alone with his thoughts. He'll have to defend himself and stick up for himself in ways he never has, despite his rough past. There's always the potential that he'll mix with the wrong crowd and not only go back to where he started but worse - prison can be a violent, lonely place that much I knew. 

I was so aware of my own body - I was sweating, my stomach churning to the point I was fidgeting in my seat on the cold wooden bench. I pursed my lips to suppress the tears that were welling in my eyes the more my thoughts taunted me and making them hot and cloudy as I waited in cruel anticipation. The subtle echo of coughs and mutters was interrupted by the piercingly loud siren and the metal barred doors opened with a clang and the inmates flooded in.

The second I saw him I was overwhelmed with floods of emotions and tears spilled down my cheeks. I couldn't stop myself from leaping up and throwing my arms around him, sobbing into his chest and squeezing him tight. He gripped my small body against him as the prison guards strode towards us with outstretched arms and stern faces.

"Styles!"

"Okay, okay..." Harry replied with such sadness in his voice, raising his hands in surrender.

He almost shook me off him and guided me back to my seat with no contact whatsoever just a stare, sitting down opposite me with understanding dark eyes as he rubbed his hands over his face and through his curls.

"How am I meant to do this?" I cried, feeling the most helpless I ever have, tugging at my hair in desperation.

"You'll be okay, Jess. We'll be okay." He looked so exhausted, both mentally and physically, but he remained strong and composed for me.

"It's not fair, Harry."

"I know it's not, but it's out of our hands."

I gazed intently at his hands as he twiddled his bare fingers anxiously. It was so strange to see him without his chunky rings. I wanted to reach out for him more than anything. How could I go without his touch?

I hadn't slept properly for weeks and it was taking its toll on me - my eyes felt heavy and droopy and I just felt so tired and lifeless. It was clearly evident in the messy topknot hanging off my head and my pale skin; all I could muster up the energy to do with my appearance was to tie up my hair up and throw on some jeans and a sweatshirt. My heart was broken and I had no idea how it would ever mend, it didn't feel like there was a way out.

"Baby, you can't let this tear you down," he pleaded, "You're stronger than that."

"But I'm not! Our lives have been totally turned upside down and I don't know what to do," I confessed, my lip quivering but my eyes and face dry like I was dehydrated and all out of tears.

"I know, but like I said there's nothing we can now do but survive it." His voice was encouraging and hopeful which did comfort me slightly. It was something that was still keeping an optimistic outlook, I just hoped it would last.

"You were going to come with me to Cardiff... I- I can't..."

"Don't you dare say it! Jessica Walsh you are bright and you are determined and you were born for this so don't you dare say you're not going."

"How can I go to university and study for years to get into the field that's locked you up!?"

"Don't you want to fight? Don't you want to help people?" he interrogated me loudly, "You don't want to be a judge or a lawyer, you want to stop real criminals from getting away with the shít they do and research those bástards so you know how to stop them."

"I guess..." I sniffled. 

"Make something of your life, don't end up like me."

"Don't say that," I scolded him with a frown.

"It's true," he shrugged carelessly. "You're intelligent, but if you don't put your all into something you'll do nothing, I know you."

He was right. I am lazy and I procrastinate, but if something means a lot to me and I put my all into it I can succeed - I just don't believe in myself as much as I should do. 

"I won't leave you. Ever." 

"You don't have to. You can visit, but I'm not letting you waste your life because of me."

I felt a prick of pain and misery at his words, all I had been warned since the day I met Harry was not to let him lead me astray - not to be like him. He was a nasty piece of work and if I got involved with him things were bound to go wrong and someone would end up hurt. I guess they were right, but now look: he was the one supporting me and telling me not to throw away my future and work hard to get somewhere in life. Where would I be without him? 

Harry had changed my life for better and for worse, but I wouldn't change that for the world. If I had the opportunity to go back in time and not go to that court case where I saw him for the first time, I would do it all again exactly the same. Harry had improved my confidence so much and brought out a side in me that I didn't know I had - he had taught me to be me and to live my life to the fullest. We'd helped each other in so many ways I couldn't even put it into words and we'd be completely different people if we'd never met each other. I'd experienced so many firsts with him and he was truly my first love, and hopefully my only love. It would be almost impossible to live without him and three years is such a long time compared to the amount of time we'd spent together, but maybe he was right and maybe we could make it through this.

"I love you. I always will," I assured him.

"I love you so much, Jess. I will think about you every day. You are the light at the end of the tunnel."