Poetry and Prose By Jake Dorian

Epiphany

I fought against the lonliness so many times,

the fear of standing alone penetrating my darkened mind

demons screaming out to me

you can't make it on your own, not anymore.

I used to explore this world alone

missadventures on my own terms

to find my piece of mind,

to find who I was

who I still should be.

but all of that changed.

I became relient on you,

and you fed from my insecurities,

made me believe I needed you there

by my side at all times

to hold my hand and guide me

I was afraid to be alone,

afraid to stand on my own two feet

you controlled me ruthlessly and I gave in to dependancy.

I became so scared of the world around me

the whole wide world that was no longer one big adventure

it was a nightmare, a torture chamber I was scared to explore

not without you there.

now you're gone

and I'm stepping out alone.

I cannot depend on you anymore

I have to be my own person

I have to make my eternal escape from you

at first I panicked, I cried,

I kicked, I screamed,

i shook and shivered.

how could I be in this world

without you to guide me every step of the way?

I wanted to cling to you,

I wanted to fight to keep you by my side

I wanted to be your responsibility

to be under your spell

just like I had for so long.

I felt something I hadn't felt for six long years,

loneliness.

I shed so many tears at first,

anxiety struck me bad

as I thought of a world alone.

I considered finding someone new

anyone new

just so I could feel that belonging again

so I could feel safe and warm and loved once more

but I knew deep down I never belonged to you and

I was never safe by your side

you were never warm and loving as I had led myself to believe

you were the poison running through my veins

killing everything I used to be

leaving me fragile and cold.

so I decided to be brave,

and stepped out into the world alone once again.

I felt the barrier ahead of me,

I felt the cold glass walls that held me back

I wanted to turn around, I wanted to run back to my safe place,

but instead, with fisted hands I smashed the transparent wall that held me in.

the shards shattered and fell to the floor as I glanced onwards,

blinded by the shining light I longed to see.

I stepped forward and breathed in the air.

free.

free from dependancy, free from fear

free from your perversions and lies

nothing but my own thoughts to keep me company.

I felt alive again.

I spent so long fighting against the loneliness,

fearing the world outside

but as I walk down the path,

alone for the first time in years

I realise that all this time,

the only person I truly needed to depend on

was myself.