Invisible String

Death By a Thousand Cuts

Starscream didn't ask for much. Sure, he asked for freedom, and he wouldn't mind a little trust, but he would like to think that his requests weren't too terribly demanding. Still, every single time he saw his ex-leader with the small human, his processor would burst into flames, sending him into a "blood red rage" as the humans would put it, one he kept inside his mechanical brain. He couldn't wrap his head around it. Megatron was charming, he knew that well enough, but to Starscream's recollection he didn't have very many other redeeming qualities.

But now as he read through her small journal (one he saw fall out of her pocket a while ago) he could start to see what she saw in him. It was filled with pages upon pages of a kind of yearning he didn't know humans were capable of. He could feel what she felt in every single line she had wrote in all of her "Dear Diary" entries. It almost made him feel softer for the mech that had once made his life a living hell.

Almost.

Wasn't it just awful? He would ask himself that every time he felt compelled to open the book and read from the uniquely handwritten entries. What was worse was that everyone was supportive of them. Once he had tried to talk to Hashtag about it but instead of her agreeing with him, that it was weird or wrong, she gushed about how "cute" it was. He couldn't make a single way around it. Today was no different. Even he was getting annoyed with his own one-sided bickering. So, he would end the day like the last few cycles.

Starscream would enter his makeshift habsuit that Nightshade, in all their wisdom, had made for him. He would lay his back against the warm metal slab, try to power off and attempt to lull himself to sleep.

And then it would start. First as an itch, but it would grow bigger and bigger until he would finally take the journal, flip to the last entry he had left off on and read it. To his dismay, he had been closer to the end then he wanted to be. Sometimes he would read one or two entries but tonight he figured he would just finish it and then the next time he would see its owner, he would give it back to her, feigning innocence. Hoping to earn a few Good Samaritan points as well.

The first entry he read was a lot like the others, sickly sweet and dated almost a week after its previous one. But that's when he saw it. That dreadfully horrible word. The line to stop all thought. The spark crushing realization that he didn't have a chance. He never had one to begin with. Even if he didn't truly want her, the fact that she was just another thing he had lost to Megatron made his energon run warm. That wicked and wonderful, stupid and horrible word.

"Sparkmate."

The thing he could never beat. Never live up to. Never have. Starscream had given up any chance of love when he had first joined the Decepticons all those eons ago. His sparkmate had been lost to this planets harsh Arctic circle before humans were even a blip in the stratosphere and by the time he had made his way back to Earth, Skyfire had missed millions of years of war. Starscream was too different and Skyfire wasn't ready to see the new and worse seeker. Back then, Megatron was only out for power, and he didn't want or need any more scientific prowess. He had Shockwave and Soundwave; he didn't need some "peace and love" keeper of the human race on his team. That's when Starscream had lost him. It was hard for him to read the humans words because it just reminded him of his lost other half.

There's this thing the bots call "sparkmates"? I think it's like soulmates but I'm not for sure. What I am sure about is that I don't know how to feel about it. Belonging to someone in the simplest of ways? Having someone there always? It's a weird type of comfort that draws me in but what if it's not true? What do I do then?

It went on, but Starscream couldn't continue reading the passages. He'd lost. No. Not even that. He wasn't even in the running. No one was. No one but that stupid brute. He ex-vented, feeling a processor ache coming on and knowing he wasn't able to power down after this, he stood up off his berth and made his way to the bunkers exit. Careful not to wake any of the younglings.