Gray Skies

The Decryption machine

Chapter 8

The Decryption machine

Last thing you want is more people finding out and calling you and you having to reject their calls for the preceding reason. It makes you feel worse. Some of those who call you are such nice and decent people that you actually feel bad not picking up or replying. But you are just not in the right frame of mind. Fabrication of an imminent conversation starts to come to you as a second nature.

“What do I say to this person, where have I been, what have I been doing, I can’t be bothered with the 5 w’s man.  Not only that, I’m embarrassed”

“Embarrassed about what?” asks Fomi

“Just man…” Fomi can sense the annoyance in my tone

“Oh right, that you can’t just go to being completely normal after something like this? Just yesterday you were rationing your words and today you just snap out of it? Yeah?”

“Yeah” I agree “I guess it wont be that bad, people have mood swings right?” I ask, dreading that once again he might talk me out of a wishful view.

“Er yeah, Good plan, why don’t you make it out like you were just attention seeking and now that you’ve got it, you’re alright? Brilliant!” he laughs, almost sadistically, but I don’t mind, I know I’d probably be the same if we traded places.

“Forget it man, besides, so far so good eh? You’re alright, it’s been this long, why not a bit longer? You’ll be alright man, give it some time, we made it through the bullying years right? I was right then wasn’t I? Trust me. Get some sleep. You look tired”

You are left alone, no one cares, and it’s not that no one cares, it’s that no one realises because it’s not written on your forehead. You don’t tell anyone. If someone does see it and ask if you are alright, naturally you say “yeah fine”, or be hesitant to repeat yourself; because you’re starting to realise that you keep playing the same old broken record and they might just say “Oh for Gods sakes” in their mind.

Naturally, responding to your reply, they would just go their own way and not ask again, because like you said…“You’re fine”

People have their own lives, you’re just another brick in the wall, another grain of sand which makes a whole beach, why do you think you are so important?

Those you expect to call don’t and leave you worse off. Even though you have no intention of picking up, knowing that someone is thinking about you does make you feel better. I guess that explains the paradox.

Yeah but, you have to remember, you are on the fast track, you cant expect your friends to know the moment you’re depression strikes you., that you need a helping hand, a lending ear, a sympathetic shoulder.  It’s not their fault is it? You can’t really blame them. They’re not psychic you know. It’s unfair on them. Fomi’s right though, it does look like I’m attention seeking, but I’m not, I’m just really messed up. I don’t want anyone to get involved. I don’t want anyone worrying about me. Someone told me today how everyone is talking about my whereabouts. How do I just turn up? It’s been hyped up so much I feel stupid, a little victimised actually. I know it was sweet of her to mention me, but what do I do now?

Swallowed by guilt and failure, you imagine a dead conversation with someone asking how things are and if it helped. Obvious answer is no, how do you face telling someone, who you might have been rude to, or made to wait, that no…nothings changed. What are your friends waiting for? When you say leave me alone, surely it doesn’t mean forever, though it feels like you can do it for that long initially.

So it’s been so and so weeks and nothings changed. Are you actually going to get better?

You’ve run out of excuses to use for not picking up and the number of calls you receive diminish, not to mention “leave me alone” isn’t potent enough anymore, it won’t cut the mustard.

Is the only way to go around it just try and block it? Maybe they’ll slowly forget, and you won’t have to deal with anymore unwanted emotional surges.

But they don’t forget, they remember, and recite it day in and day out like post it reminders on your computer at work, in forms of texts and other means of communication the 21st century has blessed us with.

”hey you alright, I miss you, please get back to me” Translated to

“You still fu ked up? I want know why you blanking me! How bl00dy long do you want me to wait. Another couple of tries and I’m giving up on you, loser!”

The translation machine that you use is capricious, faulty and misinterpretation comes natural to it, as if that’s what it’s made for. The embarrassment of not achieving anything in the time where everyone’s expected you to sort things out is a good enough reason to stay how you are.