Gray Skies

Fomi's right you know...

Chapter 13

Fomi’s right you know…

It’s a short walk from the bus stop to my house, but long enough for the dark clouds to take their resentment for the bright sun out on me. This is the only country I can think of where it can be sunny, rainy and snowy on the same day. I snake through the old grannies struggling to get their cheap umbrellas open straight after wrapping their wrinkled heads in a plastic scarf.

She use to be so scared of thunder, I’d call her each time I knew there was storm brewing up in the north, and she’d expect it, one time she told me she needs a minute to catch her breath because she just finished doing the rain dance. I would have done anything for her, I mean it, I meant it when I said it to her and a part of me still would. I knew she would have. A thousand other boys could never reach her, how could I have been the one?

“Would you marry me?” she asked, with no fear of what the reply might be.

“Are you proposing?” I teased her with a giggle, knowing full well what she actually meant

“Sharap, you know I that you, just answer the question khota” (donkey)

That, a term we described as being higher then love, it use to make the pit of my stomach do something strange every time, like the feeling you get descending from a slope in the back of a car at a high speed. I guess that almost happened every time I use to even think about her. My favourite being the times we use to talk about the future. Everything was so perfect there. Strange thing that does to you, one minute your stomach’s doing summersaults from joy because you couldn’t have wished for anything more, next thing you know, you understand how a heart can be broken with a word or two, your jaw trembles, eyelids act as a dam, struggling to hold the rising water level.

A friend asked me one time

“Why do you love her?”

“Er, that’s a stupid question isn’t it?”

“Not if you try and answer it, go on, tell me…Why?”

And he was right, I was lost for words. He could see me searching, reaching out for the right words but I couldn’t say why I did love her but I knew I did, I knew how and when I fell into the hole in her life, I knew it was easy to. Every now and then when I shut my eyes, she’s there, infront of me, just like I see her everywhere I go, but I feel pain, in my mind the world I built around her starts to come tumbling down, the walls of my proverbial heart start to crumble, and I feel the physical effects as my heart drops an inch.

It’s so unfair, it’s not right, it shouldn’t happen to you, good people don’t deserve this. You spend all this time to discover the wonderful things about the other person, their likes, dislikes, you share secrets that only you two know about, no one can even come near to having what you two have, you know their favourite colour, food, habits, you end up falling in love and then its all gone. And you think to yourself, I can’t do this again, that was the last time, that was irreplaceable. How do I start all over again?

 Maybe that’s how the bucket starts to get empty, through my eyes and when my heart weeps.

“Dude, how long are you going to stay like this?” Fomi asked me, as if my state started to depress him

“Stay like what?”

“Like this, feeling sorry for yourself, miserable, day dreaming, alone, like your life’s come to a halt, look at you”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Well for a start, what have you done about it? Is there anything you can do about it? Or are you just going to sit here and wait for a miracle to happen? Nothings gonna happen unless you do it you know, and be honest with me man, don’t faff about”

“I can’t do anything about it, I don’t know where I stand, it’s like I’m living in hope… I’m…”

“…You’re scared of finding out. So you are trying to stay content by not knowing, ignorance is bliss, that sorta thing? That’s what the problem is. You just don’t want to face it, from everything you’ve told me, that’s what I gather, tell me if I’m wrong”

My face changes expressions, almost blank, ashamed inside, the taste of truth bitter, I start to stare into space contemplating the consequences if I was to act on anything that Fomi was saying.  I knew what he was saying, I could read between the lines, and then he said it in clear words.

“You know what you gotta do man, don’t just sit there and feel miserable, praying for something to happen by itself. Face the what if’s, and what then’s, have some self respect, don’t do this to yourself. So you find out its not as you wanted or planned, but you’ll know. Don’t try and hold on to something you don’t know you have. Living in ignorance, like a grey area, where things are blurry and that’s what you are settling for. You’re either with someone, or you’re not. Find out. There is no grey area, just settling for where you are is not good enough, its living a lie, face the truth, look for it! You can’t expect to sit here and wait for it to come and hit you. Let it be clear. I know you don’t want to face the consequence and feel bad right now, but trust me. Get on it bro”