Gray Skies

Cliché

Chapter 10

Cliché

Why do people say that?

“I know what you are going through”

They don’t, they just know their share of when something happened to them. I guess it’s because it’s cliché. A phrase or idea that is rendered trivial by constant usage

We all do it, at some point in our life, is it because it’s true, or because you have nothing else to say and feel helpless to them, or maybe because you are selfish and it’s just the right moment to exchange stories and life experiences? What better time to talk to someone about what you are going through then when they are at their lowest, when they can sympathies with you, give them the talk and the hug that you need.

You will not try so hard keeping away from those who have little or no idea about your state of mind or just have a blurry notion of your internal affairs. Those who haven’t really been a part of your circle of friends but are “friendly”

If you sense that the person you are talking to is slipping into “help mode” or is catching on, you immediately cut them off. Why add another person in the “I’ll feel pity for you queue?”

You respond to those who are unaware of their personal situation to get a feel of normality. Most of these people wouldn’t bother asking how you are, mainly because they don’t know you well enough to expect you to divulge such information. If those people can’t see it then you don’t have to talk about it and even though you aren’t good at pretending, delusional that by not attending to your worry it will simply go away, your plan seems to work.

“Hope you feel better” “I hope you find what you are looking for“though these are supportive gestures and your wishes to be left alone are being respected, it’s not what you want to read. Simply because, you’re “hiding”, not “looking” for a solution.

You’ve already realised that no one can actually “help” you with your problem, “talking” about it certainly wont help either. So what’s the point? Might as well carry on as you are.

Feeling miserable is what brings you peace, a sense of tranquility, people enjoy it and rationality is not a familiar word.

You find yourself never “rejecting” a call as it demonstrates anger. If the phone rings, you find yourself staring at the phone for a split second contemplating picking it up. The length of the callers concern can be a big factor in the recovery process. Persistence can be 2 sided. Depending on the approach, and how close you are to the caller. You get frustrated that one of your closest friends keeps calling you even though you’ve told them that you want to be left alone. It’s weird. You want them to call you and contact you, but when they do, you just feel angry.

“Which part of leave me alone don’t you understand? Why do you want to talk, you know yourself you cant help me but you still want to try? Why? What’s the point? thanks for calling though, I appreciate it”

You feel pressured, being pushed to speed things up, aggravated, you block out the genuine reasons that they might be calling you for, because they care.

I’m not a kid, I don’t need anyone to worry about me, and the more you call me the more I think you feel sad for me. Can’t you just ask me something else? Something normal?

No emotions reciprocate from those important 3 words which on any other instance would light up your day. “I miss you”  “love ya mate” rather you’re thoughtless, unable to decrypt the underlying message behind it, as if you don’t know what it means.

“Aawe that’s supportive isn’t it? “

“Er no, they mean, if you want them to be your shrink give em a call” replied Fomi

“No they don’t, they mean you know..? if you want to catch up on things…”

“Yeah your right, they don’t, why don’t you call em? You can talk about “things”...go ahead”

“Damn it!”

You’re constantly trying to run away from the problem, a fugitive. Owing to human nature, you’re being chased by your friends with the classic “I’m here if you want to talk” who in effect, limit themselves with only one reason to be contacted by you “to talk” or in other words… talk about your problems which is precisely what you’re trying to avoid.

“Silly really, it’s your fault anyway you’re like this”

“And why is that?” I ask, trying to conceal the anger in my face, my eyes fierce

“Well, why haven’t you replied to your mate? The one who keeps texting you, she’s nice, you’ve told me about her before”

“Because I don’t want to”. I reply like a child would with nothing better to say, folding his arms and pouting his lips staring at empty space.

“Oh yeah, that’s a good one, I don’t want to. What’s she done to you?. I went through your phone, she seems nice and she’s being very supportive”

“You went through my phone..... Nothing…she’s...”

“So what’s the problem?” He cuts me off, knowing full well he’s starting to annoy me.

“I don’t know, she’s stopped anyway, probably doesn’t care anymore”

“I don’t blame her”

“Nice to know you’re on my side mate, really appreciate it, why are you here again?”

“You’ll thank me one day like you always do, and you’re angry right now, so ill pretend you didn’t just ask me that”

“Look, I don’t know why I don’t want to talk to her or anyone for that matter. I want to talk to em, I’m sick of being like this, It’s a hundred things, I’ve forgotten how to be all chirpy and happy, I can’t remember it, I don’t know how to just switch back like nothing happened, my problems are still there so what have I recovered about? I’m scared, I don’t know! Ok? I thought we’ve been through this before. And you’re the one who told me anyway, remember? So far so good? You’ll be alright? Trust me? Selective memory I see. You know what? Right now I don’t feel like talking to you either. Good night” I storm of, my fists clenching onto my jacket I took off, stomping my feet as I climb the carpeted steps of my staircase.

After a while, the frequency of calls die anyway, those who tried getting through to you get the cold shoulder, probably taking it personally, maybe actually listening to your request of “leaving you alone”, maybe afraid of calling and fuelling your anger giving you that final push to lash out on them. Some don’t even bother, and even though your reply to them would have been the same, you feel let down. As anticipated, the world moves on leaving you behind. Why would they stop for you? Why would anyone stop for you? You also start to feel that it would be too hard to catch up with it. Besides, you have your own little way of life now. From daylight to sunset, you have your routine. Why bother?

I can’t remember the last time I was really happy, I can’t remember how to be happy, smile and talk normally. It’s strange how in such a short time I can forget something that’s been with me so long, something I have been for so long. How do I learn all of this again? Something inside me has turned off, I need to turn it back on, I’m not sure how.