Gray Skies

Molten rock

Chapter 15

Molten rock

I remind myself of the conversation I had with Fomi one night before we set apart for a nights sleep or what ever it was I could salvage from the darkness which surrounded me.

“It’s about time as well”

“Get lost man, you know what? Since you have been around you haven’t said one thing sympathetic” my cavalier words come out quicker then my mind can process them.

“Thanks mate, you think I like hanging out with a complete loser? Look at you”

“I rest my case”

“Admit it”

“Admit what?”

“Admit that this whole thing is you trying to run away from the problem. That you are starting to like this so called attention you are giving yourself. Then you can think about what you want from it, it took you long enough to work it out! She has something you want, no prizes for guessing that you’re not going to feel any better till you get it, or let it go”

“You don’t know what you are talking about”

“She’s messed you about and it’s not fair on you. Fair enough she was a good girl friend it’s not the case now. You need to weigh it up for what it is now. To dislike someone you actually have to put some effort in and do some thinking, which means it’s conscious and never the less, it’s still a feeling. Steer clear of that”

“Oh ok, ill go do that now yeah? All this is just talk, easier said then done”

“Your void can be filled with answers. There is something you still want from her...there is something that is still holding your feelings in your head for her, might be anger, and might be intimacy or love. What do you want from her?”

The skin between my eyebrows crease, like a frown, my jaws clinch, the tip of my nose being pushed up by the knuckle which cradles it, I stare at the wooden floor and it becomes blurry, like a car wind screen on a stormy night.

“I don’t know, she wouldn’t do this, something’s driving her to be like this, she’d never hurt me, I know why she’s doing it, I know what she’s doing, why can’t she just be honest and just tell me? We can deal with it properly. I’ll understand, I promise. I don’t care what her way of dealing with things is, why am I getting the collateral damage? Why the lies and just everything seems different, I don’t want this after taste, I just want to know the truth, that’s all I want, just honesty. All the lies aside”

He empties his lungs and sighs, and even though it’s just the noise of warm moist carbon dioxide being exhaled, it says everything he’s feeling, the fact that he knows me better then he knows himself, a loquacious persona whose words bear no resemblance to his face, sodden with sympathy. 

Fomi’s expression reminded me once in conversation I was told that the human brain works in 3 stages or that to every action there is always a thought and a feeling process which precedes it. You see something and a thought is provoked, then a feeling and then physically or mentally your body takes the appropriate action: Cognition-affect-behavior, You could think of it as a guard dog chasing you, your thought process would be to asses the situation and realise that you could have yours knees gnawed on, the feeling would be being scared and the action would be a rush of adrenaline and to ultimately to climb a tree. There are numerous times in people’s lives when this cycle is left incomplete, and during your sleep the mind tries to complete this cycle by creating scenarios and mentally carrying them out, subconsciously leading to a stage of completion , Maybe that’s why people dream. It’s why sleeping for a set number of hours is so important. Sleeping itself has its effects and stages and if a person wakes up in the middle of a stage or has many incomplete cycles to conclude then they feel tired, uneasy and fatigued.

That’s when it dawned on me. The only way I can get closure is by getting peace of mind. My mind floods with unanswered questions, in a disorganised queue waiting to be unraveled. There is something I want from her, something that is missing, something to cork the flow of these ravenous thoughts.

Maybe I want to tell her how wrong she is, tell her off, swear my head off, tell her I still love her, maybe just know that she’s feeling the same as me. Maybe I don’t want any bitterness anymore. She owes me, for the time and thought, effort I’ve invested in her I deserve that much, I need to know, I want to know. Nothing to do with this makes sense. Maybe I want her to be just honest with me, ask the unanswerable, ask her “why”, just get a reaction maybe just let out all this pressure I have built inside me, erupt with questions and singe her heart as well with the flow of my molten thoughts.