Gray Skies

Facing the void

Chapter 16

Facing the void

People are often angry when they lose a loved one to God, it’s unfair that they didn’t get a chance to say good bye, why them, why not me? Sometimes they wish they had just one more day with them, they feel it’s unjust that they were given no prior warning.

But for what? Would it make such a difference if you knew? Would it really be fair then? Is it because you had so much more you wanted to experience? Things you might have wanted to ask, do or say can only be an imaginary rerun in your mind because the person six feet under can’t hear you anymore. Regret, guilt, responsibility, memories are all that’s left within you, like a wound, at first even the slightest breeze would make it sting and you can pick the scab and make it bleed, but over time it heals and left painless, left with only a scar reminding you of how you got it in the first place.

To “lose” someone in any sense of the word is always difficult, an indescribable feeling as if a part of your intangible soul is missing. It leaves a gap in your life and in your routine, an abyss, deeper and marvelously complicated then the Grand Canyon, a black hole sucking all signs of hope, rationality, comfort and sometimes faith from around you into it. It leaves a void.

You feel it, even though it’s an empty space, ironically its non existence is profoundly distinctive, like the darkness, even though it’s only the absence of light, it’s so clear yet you can’t see it. The logical step to take is to replenish it with memories, the closest thing you conjure up to reality and how it “use to be” because it gives you the sense of comfort and ease, a sense of familiarity. If the “reversal” has happened, what’s left of this wreckage is run down by the bulldozer of loath and detestation.

The void remains empty, taunting you of its presence, constantly, reminding you that it needs to be fulfilled again, that you need to be whole again, its when you start to accommodate its needs, its when you find yourself in denial that you have lost what was so close to you, you’re lost in the forest of uncertainty and in some way or another you find yourself struggling to keep up with the past.

What would you do if you knew what was going to happen in the future? If you knew you were going to lose someone, break up with someone? Would you try to save it and if it’s something you can’t help, would you try and fulfill every aspect in your heart to do with the person? Would you have questions? Would you take all that you can from that person, take what they can give you, and satisfy your own selfish need?

No matter what happens, you will always know half a story, your side of it. What your impression of the situation is. Never can it be possible for one to know the complete truth. There are always two sides to a story, your own side, and what really happened.

It’s what you need that matters, ambiguity pecking into the oak of your mind, one needs to get those resolved before they can move on, and only one person can give it to you. Honesty is your liberator, you want the cloak of lies and deceit to be taken off, you want the grey skies to clear up so finally the ball and chain drowning you in the bucket becomes buoyant.

One locked within the boundaries of question, the other holding the key to serenity, It’s why the “dumper” is rarely ever dejected about the state of affairs, without compunction... without a qualm.