2023.03.12
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The first time i saw you was a magical moment for me. I was with felix hyung when i bumped into you. You looked at me and gave me a small apologetic smile as you apologized to me. I had read many stories in which people claim that they fell in love at first sight with their partner and i always thought that "love at first sight" didn't exist. but at that moment, when our eyes met, i felt weird, i could not look away from you, it felt like the world had slowed down for a moment.
i only came back to my senses when felix hyung nudged me and just like that you were already gone. I looked for you, i didn't know why but when you were gone, i felt a pang in my heart, disappointment?
Life went on after that, the seasons changed and so did i. I was at the lowest point of my life, being a student, doing part time job that could rarely help me pay off my student debt, and not to mention the constant pressure i was receiving from my parents for money. I had a lot of self doubts about myself, and i didn't know what to do next in life. i was pathetic, helpless, but then you came, again.
The second time i saw you, you were talking with your friends when you entered the cafe where i was working on. When i saw you, i froze. I had forgotten about you, being so busy with other hurdles of life. But when i saw you again, my heart did a flip. You seemed to have recognised me too as you stopped talking to your friends. You had started the conversation and i was so nervous i couldn't talk properly. You had chuckled before you introduced yourself to me, "I'm hwang hyunjin"
after that day, you kept on coming back, ordering the same drink and chatting with me. We became friends, and soon, we started hanging out. I liked eveything about you, i think i liked you more after you talked about how passionate you were for your dance, and music. We told eachother eveything, but the one thing i hid from you was my feelings. I was scared, what if you didn't like me? what if you already had someone? there were a lot of questions in my head and i could not bring myself to confess. Now when i look back, i wish i could have confessed soon.
We became best friends really soon. I enjoyed every moment with you. I loved how you cared for me and how you would hug me when you were tired. I loved eveything about you, the way you would laugh, the way you would look so focused when painting. You were eveything i ever needed in my life. And because of you, i was able to navigate life with much ease.
When you told me that you had to move to japan to pursue your goal, i felt happy, yet there was sadness. But i think the happiness of you being able to pursue your goal was more than the sadness of you being gone, because i thought that your happiness mattered more. I didn’t want you to hold back, and i didn’t want to make you worry about me.
After you left, life became dull. It wasn’t hard in the beginning because i buried myself in school work and work, but the more the time passed, the more i started to miss you, i longed for you. There were nights when i could not fall asleep because i missed you so much. Whenever i would see two best friends laughing and talking with each other, i would get reminded of you.
I saw you in Tv making your debut. I was really happy to see you perform in the stage, to see you smile as you greeted your fans. Even though i couldn’t see you in person, i was happy to see you were doing great through the tv. From then on, i would always watch you in the Tv after my work was done. I hoped i could see you again some day.
The third time when i saw you again after a very long time, you were with seungmin hyung. I saw the way you smiled at him, the way you laughed with him, and the way you cared for him. It reminded me how i was the one you used to smile with, laugh with. At first, it was bittersweet. I felt weird, i felt...jealous. But i knew i could do nothing. So i did what i could. pretend.
You said you were so happy to see me again, and i too, was so happy to see you again, even though i didn't say it. Seungmin hyung....i have nothing bad to say about him. He's such a nice and sweet person, someone who deserves eveything, someone who deserves you. Sometimes i wondered, how can a person be so...pure? maybe that was the reason you fell for him. But i somewhat despised him. Maybe if i was like him, maybe you would've liked me too, loved me too.
When you had told me you liked seungmin hyung, i told you i would help, but honestly, i didn't know how. Because everytime i saw you with him, i felt....hurt. It hurt me so much to see someone i liked, someone i loved for so long, someone I've waited for so long, be with someone else. Despite eveything, i knew that you would be happy with him.
As time went on, i learned to love you from afar. Even though i couldn't be next to you, like seungmin hyung, i wanted to love you. But, even the strongest soldiers cannot handle pain for so long, right? i too, could not handle to pain of loving you. That is why, i moved to a new country, to Australia, without informing you. I know you might have felt confused, betrayed even, because i broke a lot of our promises, but if i hadn't made that choice, i would've been completely broken.
Starting a new life, in a new country, with new people was not easy. But the hope that, someday, i will completely heal made me survive. I made new friends, and met new people, but no one could ever replace you. You had and still have a sacred place in my heart.
I know reading this long ass letter, you'd feel a lot of emotions, but just know that i cherished each and every moment we spent together. I am so happy that i could meet someone like you, someone who taught me how to love.
Thank you for caring for me, for being my friend, and for being with me when i was at my lowest point of life. I would not be able to be where i am now if it was not for you. I appreciate eveything you did for me, and i hope that you and seungmin hyung spend a good time together. Please, do not give up on seungmin hyung because he's so pure and he loves you so much. I know you love him as much.
And please do not balme yourself for anything. If anyone were to blame, it would be me. If i had confessed sooner, maybe none of it would have happened. I wrote this letter because i wanted us to have a proper closure. So, please, have a good life and forget about me, but don't forget the memories we made.
I hope you achieve eveything you want in your life. I loved you before and i still love you, and i fear i won't stop loving you, but i can't be with you. I'm so sorry and again, i hope you live your life to the fullest.
with love ♡
yang jeongin.
