Under her sleeves

Chapter 4//Someone So Beautiful

I peek over my book to look across the room. Lillian was laughing about something that a cheerleader said and a football player had his arm around her shoulders. I roll my eyes but a silent tear escapes.

"Hey, you okay?"

I look up to see Shawn sitting across from me. I pull down my sleeve and wipe away any stray tears. Slowly I nod my head and go back to my book. We say nothing the rest of lunch but I can feel Shawn's eyes on me every few seconds, watching me.

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My classes pass by quickly. The teachers have finally given up trying to get me to answer questions. And I've given up on trying. Trying to get Lillian back. Trying to keep my grades up. And trying to not cut.

Without L, so many things are triggering. She used to help me resist and feel better, but that part of her is gone now.

Shawn has tried to ask me if I am okay multiple times, but I've not responded. He seems worried. But I start to doubt it and tell myself that he is just faking it. Along with mine and Lillian's friendship.

The final bell rings and I'm out of the door before anyone has the chance to blink. If only my mother doesn't come home tonight.

I pull into the driveway and glare at my mother's Impala sitting in the driveway. Fabulous.

I attempt to sneak into the door, but someone is standing on the other side, waiting for me.

"Ella where have you been?! I can't believe you're my daughter. You're so ugly, it's no wonder you don't have a boyfriend! And that your father left us! It's-" I run up the stairs before she had a chance to continue. Mom yells after me to come back but I head to my room.

My mom hates me. Lillian has left me, and we barely talk anymore. If we do, it's was really awkward. I go to the dresser, and open one of the drawers. Pulling out the only thing that gives me relief, I go to the bathroom and lock the door. I look at the blade, a small smile appearing on my face.

"Hello old friend." I whisper, dragging the blade across my wrist. Relief. Finally. After all of this time, finally relief. The blood beads up and I let it drip onto the floor.

"Ella-"

I turn around to see Shawn standing in the doorway, staring at my wrist. He looks at me with sadness and anger. Great. Now he knows. And he's going to leave me. There went the goal of Shawn not finding out.

He angrily grabs my wrist and starts to clean the cuts under the sink water. I don't resist and sit on the counter. Shawn gently puts a bandage around my wrist and looks at me again before holding out his hand. I take it and follow him to his car.

We spend the car ride in silence. Like the silence between L and I when I caught her. No. Don't think about her. Think about something else.

Shawn pulls over and gets out, interrupting my thoughts. We sit on a park bench, surrounded by silence once again. Damn it silence. Why do you have to be so rude.

"Why? Why does someone so beautiful feel so awful about them selves where they self harm? It's not fair! No one should feel this way!"

I sit quietly and listen to Shawn scream profanities at the top of his lungs. Looking up at Shawn, a silent tear runs down my cheek. Shawn's face immediately falls and he wipes the tear away with his thumb gently.

"Why?" he whispers softly.

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