The One I Was Waiting For.

Happy Birthday to me.

When the night will begin....
In the dark shadows and fears...
An angel will come...
And make you sleep till the dawn...

You'll open your eyes then...
And wipe all the dry tears...
The lights of hope will come...
You'll see the sunshine of dawn...

I hear the song in my mind. She is singing it to me. I am again a small, scared baby girl of eight. She is caressing my hair and humming the beautiful song to me.
She usually sings it in the mornings. When I don't want to get up, and her voice makes me believe that its a new light of hope...and my eyes will open to sunshine. All my fears and pains will vanish away. And I'll be a smiling Mishi.

Smile.

I have forgotten the word. I haven't smiled since the second I opened that diary...

I feel a light headache and back pain as a warm light touches my face. I open my eyes forcefully and sunshine reaches them. Its forcefully closed again now.
The light is too much.
I turn my body away from the light and then open them again. I stretch my arms and my sight falls on the clock.
It says seven thirty.
And then my sight falls on the calendar next to the clock.
I sit up immediately.

Today....its my birthday.

I hold my face in my hands and rub it till I really believe that it is my birthday.
How can I forget it?
And how come anyone did not wish me till now?
Did they forget?

Without bothering myself much for these questions, I walk to the bathroom and close the door behind me.
I stand in front of the mirror. My hair are messed up. I have the worst morning hair. My eyes are swollen, probably from all the crying. I am all red. I don't get why.

I step out of my clothes and step in the shower.
Hot water touches my body and I feel so good. I turn my face up, so that all the warm water can touch my face and make ne relax.

Mommy...

I even had a dream of her; singing that song to me. Tears form as my mind reminds me of her words in the diary.
She never wanted me to born.
She suffered so much.
She wanted to run away with her friend.
Dad must be so hurt reading all that.

I just don't know what to do anymore. How will I face him now?
After knowing that the blames I put on him all these years were only partly true. The mistake was not wholely his.

I don't know.

Maybe I will forget everything I read and be normal with him. I think that's what he wants. That is why he gave me to read it and did not recite me.
Maybe he wanted to save the awkwardness.

I now get it.

I will be normal and enjoy my birthday as much as I can.

But knowing that my mother hates my birth breaks my heart.
I don't even know who my biological father is?

Forget it.

When I come out of the bathroom, I decide to wear a pink dress with a jean jacket on it. It will save me from all the cold.
Let's see if I need more warm clothes.