Behind Brown Eyes (Phan)

Chapter 1

It's been days, weeks, maybe months since I've been social with friends or strangers. I wouldn't say I'm antisocial but that's what people label me as, of course I don't say anything about it because I don't talk to anyone, really.

Online, that's a different story. I can be myself online and I won't get judged for it because they don't know me, I don't know them and I guess that's how you can make friends. A no judgement relationship is a good relationship, a good friendship. And you can say I have quite a bit of friends here and there, but most are just temporary.

I wanted to start youtube, but I don't know where to start. How do I make a video? What do I say? What if people don't like me? What if people don't watch me? What if's pile into my brain and form a barrier, which leads me procrastinating to not post a first video.

There is someone I look up to though, and there are quite a bit. Most celebrities but there is a normal guy. Well maybe normal was the wrong word to describe a boy who sits on the internet, makes animal noises and listens to my kind of music. Like I said, I won't consider myself normal compared to the popular kids at my school and what they label me as 'emo', 'gay', 'faggot', and other names.

This boy though, is amazing, like his username I would say. He's funny, he's adorable, and he's my best friend, he may not know that but he's helped me a lot. More than anyone else in my entire life. Well, Gerard Way as well but, we won't go on about that.

I've commented on his videos but I doubt he'll ever see them. I've tweeted and messaged him tons of times but like I said, I doubt he'll ever see them. I want to meet him, but what if he doesn't like me? What if he thinks I'm weird? What if he calls me names like everyone else?

I can tolerate the kids at my school but if he would have said those things it would hurt the most.

-

I walked to school and seen the guys standing near the front, I know I should go a different entrance but I know what they'll do if I even try. I walk toward them knowing what to expect, the casual pushed around between all of them, my headphones thrown on the ground and then them throwing me down with them while they call me names and run off.

After I pick up my headphones and school bag I walk inside to my locker, which has the words 'emo' 'gay' and 'faggot' written on it with a sharpie. What a surprise. I open it and throw my bag in and take out my books. I walk to class and the day has begun like any other day would have.

-

I finally get into my room, close the door and throw my bag across the room as I climb in bed opening my laptop. I go straight to youtube and refresh, knowing today is the day for another video. I check his twitter and he hasn't wrote anything, maybe he's editing, maybe he's uploading it now, maybe he's busy, maybe it'll be for tomorrow. But I can't wait until tomorrow, the week has just started and I need some motivation to last me for five horrible days of school.

I decide to tweet him,

putting up a new video for today? :)

and sit and wait for a reply, even though I for sure know he will not reply, or even see it.

-

I fell asleep with my laptop sitting on my chest and I went to refresh all my tabs and I noticed my twitter connections was underlined with blue. I was confused to think who would even want to talk to me but I almost dropped my laptop when I seen who it was from.

it's up now! :D

I almost screamed but remembered my parents were both home and I'd rather ignore them for the rest of my existance.

I opened youtube again and found the video, I watch it... A few hundred times and still smiled every time. I left another comment on his video and went back to tumblr to reblog some weird stuff, then listened to music and went back to bed.

-

Another day of hard work and studying, being pushed into lockers and bullied about my music taste, and of course the casual "you're gay and emo no wonder your parents hate you" quotes. Just makes me think why I'm still here in the first place.

I've just gotten out of the shower and dressed myself in a hoodie and black skinny jeans and grabbed my bookbag as I remembered my savings. I have almost three thousand pounds saved up, and that's all since my tenth birthday. I'm horrible at saving money but I've been trying to remind myself that this is for getting away but saving up is what's keeping me here.

I work at a DIY shop, it's not much but I'll take what I can get, and what I can get is good enough as long as I still have it. I've been working here a little less than a year and it's okay so far, I don't know anything about DIY so I just hide so people don't come to ask me questions I don't know to the answer too. Other than that I like it. I get to be away from my parents, thoughts, and the annoying people from school for a while.

I grabbed my laptop and flipped it open going straight to twitter and tumblr. My twitter connections had a blue underline so I clicked it and seen that Phil had tweeted me and I lost all my breath before key spamming replies back, which did not make any sense at all. After they were all sent I felt self pity and was thinking about deleting them when i got another reply and it was from him,

He wanted to talk to me more and I wasn't sure why he picked me out of all people, I was just some bullied kid with music taste that no one will ever understand. Oh and my life is dedicated to the internet. He followed my twitter next and I stared in shock at my laptop.

THIS ISN'T REAL LIFE.

I closed my laptop and slid it under the bed and ran out the door.