Behind Brown Eyes (Phan)

Chapter 5

It's been about 3 weeks and I haven't gotten much of a reply back from Phil, he probably didn't want to talk to me anymore. He probably realized how boring I am. He probably seen that I try to hard to get people to like me, he probably thinks I'm annoying. He probably found someone else, someone else better than me, someone else who can make him happy, someone else who can make him feel loved. I don't know what I've done to make him stop talking to me but it really hurts.

Other than that, my family have toned it down. They've stopped yelling and beating me completely, and I have no idea why but I'm grateful. One of my teachers said she talked to my parents about my sleeping habits, being late for class, and skipping classes. What if she told them I was being bullied? Would they stop hurting me because they found out about what actually goes on at school? I'm not sure.

Also, Adam doesn't seem to leave my side, it's like he wants to be my personal body guard. He's not that much taller than me, maybe by an inch but he's well built. He has dark brown hair, cut as if it's suppose to be styled into a quiff but instead just falls in his eyes. He also has brown eyes, they're sharp and cold but they can be warm and soft when he wants to be. I've seen both sides of him by now, and he has helped the bullying go down by a lot.

He doesn't let me eat outside for lunch anymore, he pulls me into the enormous cafeteria and sits with me at a table to ourselves. I mean yeah it's nice to be inside instead of the brisk weather but I can't handle the whispering around us. I'm pretty sure Adam is doing this out of pity and not because he actually wants to be my friend but he proved otherwise when he followed me into my room and said he liked my band posters, which was a surprise. Some people even think we're dating, but to be honest... I wouldn't date him. I mean I may be gay but only for one boy, black hair and blue eyes. But I don't see anything else for guys, just that one lad.

But that doesn't stop the people around us from whispering "why would Adam even go for something like him?", "Everyone knows it's for a show", "Man, I'm just waiting for the day he throws a good punch!" I was also waiting for that day but again, Adam proves them wrong. He walks with me to my locker and helps me put my books in my bag and drives me to work and sings to me in the car. He is a good singer but that's beside the point. I'm starting to think that maybe Adam might actually like me. He hasn't full out said it but he said he liked talking to me and being "my friend." But then again I'm not sure what it would feel like to even have someone like you like you. I've seen it in movies but this was real and I was completely clueless. 

When I got home from school my mother and father were sitting at the dining table reading through some letters, they look up to me and my mother starts crying. I was never close to my family, obviously. I wasn't sure what to do so I just stood there dumbfounded. Adam had given me a ride home saying he had a lot of stuff to do, and I'm really glad he didn't follow me home today because I don't know what wouldn't have happened if they seen him with me, a real friend.

"Dan?" My father says.

I hum in response not trusting my voice or thoughts that could slip out.

"Why didn't you tell us you were getting bullied?" My father spoke again.

How am I suppose to tell them that I'm getting bullied at school, and then coming home to get bullied by my own damn parents? Why would they ever expect me to tell them that? It's not like they would help really because they're doing the same things to me.

I just shrug not trusting my words again or my anger that suddenly made its way to my face.

"Dan, I'm so sorry." My mother said out between sobs.

At this point I wasn't sure what to do, do I leave the room? Do I just blow it off and tell them it's okay? Do I say I have to work to get myself out of it? Or do I just talk to them?

My dad waved some letters at me. "Did you read these?" He looked back down at them, "They were thrown all over the floor in your room."

The letters I found in my locker. I hadn't actually read them so I took some from the table and sat in front of them reading over each one as my parents watched my face.

Some were from Adam, signed, saying he has very strong feelings for me. I kept reading the in detail letters he left me, scribbled pen with little words but much meaning. The first letter was dated from five months ago, and then the rest slowly followed after day by week by day in no particular order. He written them so beautifully I found myself trying not to cry at his words. He actually loved me all this time, watching me walk through hallways with bruises on my face and cuts on my cheeks, he loved me all this time I'm sleeping in class, hiding in classrooms and crying in the toilets. He loved me all this time and wrote each feeling in detail he's ever felt for me, and had the courage and confidence to put them all in my locker the day before he actually started talking to me.

The worst thing is, I don't even love him back.



I took the rest of the letters up to my room and read through each one again. Some were anonymously written, with hateful words, some were anonymously confessing their love for me which was just as weird as Adam's letters. I had 23 letters, 16 from Adam, 4 from the same confessing anonymous, and the other 3 were just pieces of paper with "Fag", written on them really big. I just crumpled those up and shot them in the bin, keeping the other ones safe in a box under my bed.

I don't know how I'm suppose to feel towards Adam now but it still feels the same, not mutual feelings but I just see him as a friend, because, I don't like boys. Okay, one boy, but that isn't Adam. The other four letters were from a girl, I wouldn't mind dating a girl because it's normal and I fancy girls, but they were anonymous so I couldn't really find any emotions inside me to feel the same, maybe maybe if I found out who it was. Although, neither Adam or the anonymous girl have put any new letters in so I doubt I'll find out who she is.

Neither the anonymous girl or Adam could compare to Phil, I know it seems selfish and both of them could probably make me happy but no one could put a smile on my face in a matter of seconds just because they tweeted, or just because I see them smile, or just seeing them happy. No one could compare to him because he's just, Phil. 

I'm sure Adam or the girl could make me happy too and I may be selfish for not taking the chance but Phil is the one who makes me happiest. We're not even together or talking at the moment and he puts a smile on my face just by thinking about him. 

I'm sure I would be happy with anyone really but the person I want the most is Phil.

Maybe I'm just confused over my feelings.

Maybe I'm just confused to say that the person I like doesn't like me back, but two other people do. They love me, and by reading the letters I mean love and not like and anyone could tell the difference by the letters. Adam and the girl loved me and I was falling for someone who didn't even want to talk to me and who barely knows I exist.

I was becoming exhausted over my dreadful thoughts so I thought I'd take a fast shower and go to bed early. Drifting off thinking of the letters.





a/n: okay before you start hating on Adam or "girl" and say "this is suppose to be phan" let me just say something, this is a PHAN fic, not a dan/Adam or a Dan/"girl" fic okay? okay, glad I cleared that up. there WILL be phan.

Also thanks for reading c: ((this is written on my ipod sorry for any mistakes))